Took me a minute. Ha!
Amy Poehler!
I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day.
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.
I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.
Telling me to relax or smile when I’m angry is like bringing a birthday cake into an ape sanctuary. You’re just asking to get your nose and genitals bitten off.
People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.
When God created ducks, he said…
‘Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo!’
Really, have we all forgotten Bert and Ernie?
How about Spike Jones, as long as we’re doing old gags?
[RING]
Hello? … You don’t say… You don’t say! … You don’t say. [click]
Who was it?
He didn’t say!
I don’t regret burning my bridges. I regret that certain people weren’t on those bridges when I burnt them.
Sign at an Octoberfest: Alcohol may not solve your problems; but neither will water or milk.
I’m bored so I just put a pregnancy test in the bin at work to cause some drama.
note to self: don’t google landing strip with safe search off.
I love seeing people walking with a little smile on their face.
Something good must have happened, maybe they got a cute text, flowers, or they just threw their annoying coworker off a cliff. You never know.
I might be bad at sit-ups, push-ups but my f@#k-ups are exquisite.
Police arrested a university bookstore employee who stole $20,000.00 worth of textbooks.
The spokesperson said both books were recovered.
I can attest that it’s older than that.
That reminds me of the old one:
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
The Holocaust.
What?
This was my Grandpa’s favorite joke. Thanks for the memory!
Remember, if you do that in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
Wow, my world has been shaken. I didn’t know that one didn’t originate with Sesame Street
where did it originate?
I thought I’d look it up, and the search results mostly point to Sesame Street. However one person said ‘This joke was old when my grandfather was young; it probably predates TV (not to mention Sesame Street).’
What sound do vinegar and water make when they collide?
Douche
The Rapture didn’t happen.
Does that mean it ruptured?
Why do leaves change color in Autumn?
Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
looks at group
Oh, this guy is good.
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
Well, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and the worm adds a bit of protein. There are worse ways to break fast.
Vaudeville, I’d guess?
That’s my feeling about it - one of those jokes from the mists of time that are new to each generation. I have a vague memory of someone like Henny Youngman or Georgie Jessel using that joke, although it was the (more common?) doctor’s office version rather than a bar.
A few Summers ago I smashed the end of my finger-- split it like a grape and broke my distal phalanx. The ER doc who treated it looked like a baby. I said “will I be able to play the guitar when it heals?” And he said “yes, absolutely”. I said “great, I couldn’t play the guitar before!”
It’s an adaption of an old Vaudeville joke (the original mentioned a piano), and I thought I’d get a groan, but he laughed out loud.
A man walks into a pub and the landlord’s astonished. Half of the man’s head is half of a huge orange.
‘So sorry to be nosy,’ the landlord says, ‘but why is half of your head half of a huge orange?’
‘Well, I was cleaning up the loft,’ the man says. ‘And I found an old lamp. I polished it up, and a genie came swooping out of it, saying, “May I grant you any three wishes, master?”’
‘So I said, “I’d like to have a million dollars – and every time I take the million dollars out of my pocket, another million appears there.”’
The genie said, ‘Your wish is granted. And your second wish?’
The man says, ‘I’d like a big house with 100 beautiful ladies in it.’
‘Your wish is granted,’ says the genie. ‘And your third wish?’
‘I’d like half my head to be half of a huge orange.’
Is there a pun in there?