Turn your home into a ten-bedroom house by putting a bed in every room.
A man gets on a plane with 6 kids.
The flight attendant asks, “Are these your kids?” The man replies, “No, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!”
I can’t seem to find my dumbbells.
I guess I’ve succeeded at weight loss.
If the Devil wears Prada, then who, pray tell, is God wearing?
ARMANI. “In my father’s house there, Armani rooms.” John 14:2
Scurvy has the weirdest symptom/cure ratio ever.
If you’re a pirate stranded months on end at sea, you get afflicted with this terrible plague that revives every injury you ever had, and your body becomes home to every parasite on Earth, unless you eat an orange.
Why do ducks have flat feet? So they can put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
So they can stamp out flaming ducks.
Young couple on a blind date. Girl says “kiss me where it smells”, so he drove her to New Jersey.
One thing Trump will never have to worry about -
is having his speeches plagiarized by future presidents.
Me: Hi, I need a wake up call!
Reception: You’re an alcoholic and a piece of shit.
Me. Thanks, I needed that.
“I put the sexy into dyslexic!”
Why did the police let Van Gogh?
He had an eartight alibi.
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio
The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I get so nervous in an earthquake.
I start shaking uncontrollably.
If comedy = tragedy + time, what’s comedy + time?
A repost.
I have a friend whose two great interests are Van Gogh and Taco Bell.
He’s an artsy-fartsy kinda guy.
Last time I went into the lab they put me into a glass dish. I was Petrified!
How do you fleece a sheep?
Release iPhone 17.
I saw a man who had jelly in one ear and custard in another. I asked him why he had those.
He replied, “You’ll have to speak up. I’m a trifle deaf.”
In the movie ‘The Hunt for Red October’ …
the entire story is the sub-plot.
October 10th is such a great day…
10/10!
I say, I say, did you know that when leaves fall from their trees it is do to nostalgia?
They’re trying to get back to their roots.
And they didn’t think the hearing before the judge would go well.
Most deaf.
mmm
Cheesy Novels: (credit John Atkinson - wrong hands)
The Old Man and the Brie - Hemingway
The Gouda Earth - Buck
East of Edam - Steinbeck
Emmental of Two Cities - Dickens
Colby Dick - Melville
The Count of Asiago - Dumas
[I love Wrong Hands.}
My teacher covered both Nietzsche and Schrodinger in class on the same day.
All I remember from it is that God is dead… and alive.
Karen went to Bethlehem.
She demanded to see the manger.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics.
What is psycho-ceramics?
It’s the study of crackpots.
Friend: Don’t look now but that girl is checking you out!
Me (turning around): Who?
Medusa: Hi there!
Friend: I told you not to look, Mr. Statue.
Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
(Looks back at my trailer full of donkeys.)
Me: “Because I’m…”
Lowers shades…
Me: “haulin’ ass?”
Deploys TASER
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.
Oh wait, never mind, she’s back… she just went to the store.
I say, I say, what kind of snake wears a hard hat?
A boa constructor.
I use a copy of the New York Times as a doormat.
These are the Times that dry men’s soles.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
It turned out it was just the refrigerator.
Why did the cookie cry?
His mother was a wafer so long.
Told this one to my granddaughter last night, but I think she’s just a little too young to have gotten it.
What 2 things do your nose and feet do alike?
Smell and run.
Apologies if this was already posted - I wasn’t about to go thru all the posts.
I’ve usually heard it as “If your nose runs and your feet smell, you’re built upside-down”.
And @Prof.Pepperwinkle , there’s also the one about the guys with the stopwatches at the Olympics: “These are the souls who time mens’ tries”.
Q: “Why has America only had one Civil War?”
A: “It’s very hard to get Americans to ask ‘May I?’ before they shoot someone.”