I remember that one from the early Mad Magazine issues,.
Looks like we have a Horse Congress:
They say “neigh” to everything.
Since I’m going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said “OK, Dan, you’re going off to college. You’re going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”
I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”
He’s said “No - anti-depressants.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive
but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Can vegans eat pudding?
No, if you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding!
Why is hot friendlier than cold?
Because heat waves but cold snaps.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
What do you call a group of friends eating together?
Taste buds.
Who is the sexiest fictional woman?
Medusa. She makes men rock hard.
What do you call a Halloween-themed fleshlight?
A Jack-off lantern.
It’s finally October,
which means that all of the cobwebs in my house are now Halloween decorations.
I can tell you, factually, that the Earth is flat.
You see, the Earth is around 71% water, right?
And it’s uncarbonated water, right?
Well there you go, the Earth is flat.
“Minimalism is a scam invented by Big Small to sell more less.”
That is hilarious !!!
This is a gag from an old UK TV series I’ve re-discovered (a skit on a lot of TV dramas at the time). In this scene, the socialist firebrand “Red Agnes” is resisting an attempt to bribe her not to stand for election to Parliament, with a rant drawing on Blake’s Jerusalem (the bit with the bow of burning gold and arrows of desire) for which she’s asked “Why bring toxophily into it?”.
“Because that’s the secret of success in politics: toxophily - and carry a big stick”
What do you call it when someone offers something of equal value in exchange for a cephalopod with a camera attached to its head?
A quid pro quo squid Go Pro.
Try saying that ten times fast.
No problem: “That that that that that that that that that that!”
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.
Donald Trump said,…
“I’d KILL for a Nobel Peace Prize!”
Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum..
And that means that autism causes vaccines.
My wife just nudged me and said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?”.
I thought, ‘that’s a strange way to start a conversation’.
Murphy’s Laws of Computing
- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
- When the going gets tough, upgrade.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
- To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
- If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
- The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
Well played, sir.
Sorry, Prof. You receive no credit. That wasn’t italicized.
Of course not! I’m not Italician.
I used my discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield.
I only got about 20% off, though.
Pres. Trump was visiting the Boston Zoo and passed by the big cats exhibit.
“I wonder what those tigers would say if they could talk,” he wondered aloud.
His Secret Service handler replied, “I’m pretty sure they’d say they were leopards.”
Beethoven hyping up the crowd:
“ARE YOU READY FOR A SYMPHONY?”
The crowd roars its approval.
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
Did you know that US law protects dolphins from indefinite imprisonment?
Also know as the writ of habeas porpoise.
Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.
“Pop,” he says, “You’re really old.”
The old man chuckles. “I certainly am, son.”
“How old are you Pop?”
“Why, I’m eighty-nine.”
“Wow.” the boy is impressed. “How did you get that old, Pop?”
“Well son, I’ll tell you.” The old man’s faces grows serious, and glances to each side conspiratorially. He leans in and fixes his great grandson with a steely look. “Here’s the secret. Every morning, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my oatmeal. I don’t know how, but it’s kept me fit and healthy all my life.”
The boy takes his great grandfather’s advice, and indeed it works remarkably. The boy grew up and left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 22 great-grandchildren, and a 16 foot hole in the crematorium wall.