Star Trek characters make the worst sports fans…
They always root for the away team.
A Star Trek fan meets William Shatner.
“Wow. I can’t believe I’m meeting you at Comic Corn.”
“Actually, it’s called Comic Con”
“Com?”
“Con.”
“Cold?”
"Com!
“Cookie?”
“CONNNNNNNN!”
Superman walks into a room with a pancake on his head…
Not all heroes wear crepes.
How many Egyptians can you fit in a pyramid?
A pharaoh mount.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Two prostitutes were standing together next to a lamppost. One says “I think it’s going to be a busy night. You can just smell the dick in the air!” The other says, “No, that was me. I just burped”.”
Microplastics are everywhere:
Wait until someone starts using this line with condoms. Wait? Microplastics? Micro…
Doctor: Let’s not dwell on the negative. Several parts of the surgery were done correctly.
Why is an old dog like a sheet of notebook paper?
An old dog is a slow pup.
A slope up is an inclined plane.
An ink-lined plane is a sheet of notebook paper.
An old prison inmate asks a new arrival “whaddaya in for?”
“Hunting.”
“Hunting? What hunting law did you break that was so bad you ended up here?”
“I don’t know. I tried to follow all the hunting laws-- during deer season I only hunted deer. During rabbit season I only hunted rabbits. During duck season I only hunted ducks.”
“So you have no idea what law you broke?”
“All I know is, it happened during tourist season.”
ETA: dammit, I have to remember to do a thread search before I post 
I didn’t see where anyone else posted the explanation so I will contribute to the thread.
It really isn’t a joke except that it is a very in-group quote. Bilbo, the main hobbit in the first book, is fond of telling his friends that it is dangerous to get out of bed in the morning because one might walk out the front door and on to an adventure. The phrase is repeated several times in various ways and is a foundational part of the story. It shows that how special the main characters in the books are. And is a comment on the general idea of being out of the ordinary and finding reward by being so. Like I said, not really funny, but a small phrase that only the dedicated readers will understand.
Where did Frodo find evidence that the elves were Scientologists?
In Elrond’s Cupboard.
What’s Frodo short for?
He’s a hobbit.
Why did Bilbo have a boner at his own funeral?
Because old Hobbits die hard.
Last Halloween I went as a ‘former gifted student.’
I just wore normal clothes, and when people asked me what I was supposed to be, I sighed and said “I was supposed to be a lot of things.”
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There’s only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
I’m investing heavily in stocks.
Which ones?
Beef, Chicken, Vegetable;
One day, I hope to become a boulionaire.
My son is looking for a job. Any ideas?
He should apply for the Search and Rescue Team.
They’re always looking for someone.
I’m going to take up coin collecting.
The change will do me good.
I never really liked the taste of comets. I prefer the taste of asteroids.
I didn’t know either had a taste.
Oh yes. Asteroids are a little meteor.
I’m taking steps to overcome my hiking addiction.
How’s it going?
I’m not out of the woods yet.
I want to get circumcised.
Don’t you think you’re too old?
I don’t know. What’s the cut off date?
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwartznegger dolls are.
He replied, “Asile B, Back.”
An alien got onboard and is running through the ship yelling, “Hello” at everyone it sees.
That’s odd?
I put the crew on “Hi” alert.
Why was Robin Hood in the hospital?
He had menintightus!
Once I was having dinner with a chess champion. There was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him 2 hours to pass the salt.
So you were having dinner with your check mate?
Sorry to pawn off such a bad joke on you
Wife: Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: Okay, but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high.
Feeling depressed? Alone? Need an inspirational thought? Remember, YOU MATTER!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light (squared),
then, YOU ENERGY!
What do you call a poem about batteries?
Anode
Did you hear about the corrupt border patrol agent?
He takes VISA.
Two potatoes are hitchhiking along a highway. Which one is a prostitute?
The one marked “Idaho”.
The Louvre has been robbed.
Security said that the thieves left so quickly; they barely saw the Van Gogh!
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe.