I thought I would be able to ID any Shakespeare references in this thread, but then I discovered monsters in the ID.
It’s actually a good thing that we feel free to exchange these puns with each other.
This has become a comedy of sharers.
mmm
I thought I would be able to tame this screw - y thread, but I can’t, and that’s one of the 10 things I hate about it.
Why did the three southern wise men show up at the manger carrying hoses and axes?
Because they came from afar.
I hear that joke in the voice of Roy Blount Jr., from Prairie Home Companion (compilation CDs of their annual joke shows). He specified Georgian firefighters.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backward.
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
What frequently falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Where do you find reindeer?
Depends on where you left them.
I say, I say, What do you call an elf wearing sound-canceling earmuffs?
Anything you want: he can’t hear you.
Is your name Jingle Bells?
'Cause you look like you go all the way.
Why does Mrs. Claus call her lap her chimney?
So Santa will go down.
What do you call an Angel of Death who only strikes on Christmas Eve?
The Grim Wreather.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets.
Why does Santa have no children?
He only comes once a year.
Patient: No one ever listens to me.
Psychiatrist: Next!
(I found this in an issue of Highlights. Really!)
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carol’s.’
'Twas the Night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Really should have bought that carbon monoxide detector.
What did the Nightmare Before Christmas Tree say before it fell?
TIMBURTON!
An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.
I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.
A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.
I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.
Her cousin said that she was lying that the money she was needing was to bail her boyfriend out of jail where they’d be under the same roof for the holidays.
Frustrated I hung up and thought for a minute and thinking about the holidays I called barb back and told her to come get the money.
A couple hours after she left she called from the jail and asked wtf I was thinking giving her counterfeit money.
I told her she wanted to be with her boyfriend for Christmas I was just helping her out.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents’ house the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!”
the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
“No, but Grandma is!” the little brother replied.
Headache Treatment -1895 (pre-Tylenol).
I dunno… If there are 200 zeroes after a decimal point, then someone is really confident in their precision.
What’s the original context for that?
Approximately 79 Mitsubishi A6M ‘Zeros’ attacked Pearl Harbor. (A total of 363 Japanese aircraft were involved in the attack.) I assume 200 was chosen because it is a large (if inaccurate) number of aircraft.
I meant, who were the people in the image, and why was the woman asking about 200 zeroes.
It looks like the 12th Doctor (Peter Capaldi) and Clara Oswald (Jenna Coleman).
