He had an apartment in front….
….and she had a flat behind.
tasteless joke hidden by Puzzlegal
Why did the Liberty Bell decide not to make a New Year’s resolution for 2026?
Because it realized that after 250 years, it’s already cracked the secret to staying famous—and it didn’t want to change its tone right before the big party!
Remember to poop before midnight of December 31st.
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into next year.
Yesterday I fell of a 50’ ladder.
Fortunately, I was only on the second rung.
Why did the serial killer only kill in freezing weather?
He was a first degree murderer.
I say, I say, I always visit my tire shop on New Year’s Day.
Because then I always know it’ll be a Goodyear.
Moderating:
Please, no rape jokes, torture jokes, etc.
Waiter - what’s this fly doing in my soup?
The backstroke, I think, sir.
Waiter - your coffee tastes like mud.
Well - it was just ground yesterday.
Waiter - there’s a fly in my soup.
Quite possible sir - the chef used to be a tailor.
“Waiter, my soup is cold!”
“It’s gazpacho.”
“Gazpacho, my soup is cold!”
Some say being a waiter is a tough job, but hey, it puts food on the table.
“Waiter, my wife spilled my drink!”
“No problem, sir, I will get you another one.”
“Make sure she can cook.”
[I once hosted a church variety show. A friend of mine wanted badly to be in the show but had no perceivable talent. I put him in a chair at a table at the front of the stage. In front of him was a glass of water and a soup bowl and a spoon. Also on the table was a bowl full of slips of paper. Everytime an act finished, as they left the stage, he would tell them “Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup.” And the performer would then pick a slip from the bowl and read the comic rejoinder. A number of people afterwards told him they like him the best.]
Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions
…tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.
As much as I love fireworks there is a problem.
I just blow through them.
Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”.
Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.
Is it solipsistic in here…
…or is it just me?
People keep telling me I’m going straight to Hell for drinking all the time.
Fortunately the ground stops me every time .
I have the same problem with tubas.
Don’t forget to check out this thread: Amusing Signs
Social media would be very different if the US Presidential Election of 2000 went differently
Our feeds would be shaped by the Al Gore Rhythm
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman.
So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Japan starting a new life.
My best friend went on a trip to Helsinki and was never seen again.
He just vanished into Finnair.
What do you get when you cross a skunk with a judge?
Odor in the court.
Which Disney Princess most likes this thread?
RaPUNzel.
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
What type of bagels do they sell at the airport?
Plane
I was threatened when buying my airline ticket today.
The clerk said, “window or aisle?”
I said, “…or you’ll what??”
I just changed my baby’s diaper at the airport.
Now he’s duty free.
I’ve tried to think of a joke a few times in the past using the pun ‘Al Gore Rhythm’ with no luck. I’m glad someone took the initiative in creating that joke 
There was one going around back in early 1993, about the way Gore was seen dancing oddly at an inaugural ball. He must have had a computer algorithm design his Al Gore Rhythm.
What did the people of Venezuela use to light their homes before candles?
Electricity.
I’ve just made a new year’s resolution.
I’m going to start doing things on time.
I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn’t believe me…
Until I rode pasta.
What’s the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?
You can’t spell.
An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.
The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;
“I’m here to enlist!”
“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”
The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he passes out.
The arm writes, “How about now?”
The sergeant reluctantly agrees and the arm goes off to basic training.
The drill sergeant at basic training doesn’t believe his eyes, but the arm is amazing at every drill and task set before it. The arm passes basic training with flying colors.
Shipped off to war, the arm serves admirably. Able to infiltrate nearly impossible enemy positions, the arm is given numerous medals and commendations for bravery and duty.
The arm eventually tries out for and succeeds in joining the elite Delta force. On a particularly dangerous mission the rest of the squad is captured and is taken to a remote location to be tortured and killed.
Before they can begin, the arm assaults the enemy’s position. Using his training he’s able to kill all the enemies freeing the squad, but accidently trips a mine and loses everything below the elbow.
Thereafter, the arm began what would be his final and most rewarding career.
That of a shoulder of fortune.
Maybe it would have been better off in Deltoid Force.
This joke was a bit of a stretch, but ultimately it’s pretty humerus.
A woman approaches the hard-of-hearing clerk at the dry cleaners.
“I’d like you to get a stain out of this dress.”
“Come again?”
“No, this time it’s wine.”
If Cruella de Ville had been a doctor, would she have made herself a lab coat?
Cruella de Vil
I just bought a Dalmatian puppy…
And I’ve found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen…
It doesn’t wash off…
What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
I watched Beauty and the Beast with Mr. T.
It was a normal movie night, until the part in the Gaston song where he punches Le Fou, and Mr T. yelled out " Pause the movie!“. I asked him “Why, what’s wrong?” Mr T. cried out " I pity LeFou!”
I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.
I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.
Snow isn’t a problem in the Middle East
…but ISIS.
You win the thread.