Reasons to be cheerful #1:
we didn’t happen to evolve to feed our babies like birds do, by throwing up in their mouths.
ME: IT, there’s something wrong with my keyboard
IT: what’s wrong with it?
ME: I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still here
On some monitors there’s a setting for ‘bright’. Adjusting it doesn’t seem to do any good – speaking for myself.
ME: I am sorry sir, but after hours of effort I cannot solve your problems with your new PC. Please pack it back up and take it back to the store.
USER: Wow, so the problem is that serious?
ME: Yes. You are simply too stupid to use a computer.
Thibodeaux was placing some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started to leave when he noticed Boudreaux kneeling at another grave. Boudreaux seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die? Why did you die?”
Thibodeaux approached Boudreaux and said, “Boudreaux, I don’t wants to disturb your grief, but I ain’t never seen you in pain like dis before. Who it is you in mourning for like dis? One of you kids, you parents?”
Boudreaux took a moment to collect himself, then replied . . . “My wife’s first husband.”
…
A guy keeps crossing the border every morning, pedalling along on a bike with a bulging bag strapped to the back.
The guard stops him the first day.
“Anything to declare?”
“Nope.”
“What’s in the bag?”
“Just sand.”
They check it - sure enough, nothing but sand.
Next day, same thing. And the day after that. Every single morning: same man, same bike, same bag of sand. Each time, the guards search it - always just sand.
After about a week, one of the officers starts to get suspicious. He double-checks the bag, even runs the sand through a sieve. Still nothing.
The routine goes on. Eventually they send samples off for testing, convinced something’s hidden in it. The results come back: just sand.
Weeks pass, and the officer is losing his mind over it. One day he pulls the man aside and says, “Alright, I give up. I won’t report you, I just need to know - what are you smuggling?”
The man smiles and says, “Bicycles…”
Have you ever gone to oreo.com and clicked on “accept all cookies”?
I bet that they didn’t send you any cookies.
Ancient English legal joke:
Clerk: Have you anything to say why sentence of death should not be passed upon you?
Convict: Bugger all!
Judge: What? What did your client just say, Mr [..]?
Defending counsel: He said “Bugger all”, My Lord
Judge: Strange, I could have sworn I saw his lips move.
Shouldn’t British websites use biscuits?
I take alcoholism seriously. I was hit by a drunk driver when I was 7 years old. Me and my dad were setting at a red light, the light turned green and then out of nowhere - blam - he reached over and hit me.
Oof, that’s dark, man. Funny though.
We recently opened a shelter for the poor, needy, and the impotent.
The poor and needy showed up but the impotent couldn’t come.
92 antiprotons walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
Boom!
I may be 72, but I can still make myself breakfast.
They call that scrambulatory.
In a veterinarian’s office the receptionist is handed some paperwork. She glances at it, looks up and says, “Dr. Schrodinger?”
Dr. Schrodinger comes up to the reception desk and says, “Yes?”
And the receptionist says, “About your cat … I have good news and bad news.”
The creator of OnlyFans has died.
Premium mourners get early access to the eulogy.
Trump: I will send an escort to the Strait of Hormuz to help our Navy.
Melania: All by myself? That’s a lot of sailors, but I’ll do my best!
Wrong thread.
I’m having a lot of difficulty with knitting
Oops, wrong thread.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist?
An Acidic Jew.
Dad walks into strip club.
Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?”
Dad, how many times have I told you not to visit me at work?
I don’t care for people who take drugs.
Like, for instance, airport security.
Really pleased to get a full tank of gas for $50 today.
it was for the lawnmower but I’m trying to stay positive.
She said, “When I put it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
I said, “Miss, just blow into the breathalyzer, please.”
What’s the definition of endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
My new book about poltergeists is a big success!
The books are flying off the shelves.
Mother Superior: “We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent.”
Nun: “Well I hope it’s better than that bloody awful Chardonnay we had last week.”
The first time I sang in a church choir,…
…two hundred people changed their religion.
Today is Palm Sunday!
As far as Easter foreshadowing goes, I think they nailed it.
For a limited time, buy one potato…
you get one potato. Now go away, we’re out of potatoes.
Thor, Iron Man and Captain America walk into IKEA…
Avengers… Assemble!
Two men are stranded in a desert, dying of dehydration.
Finding no salvation anywhere, they kept walking, and eventually saw something on the horizon.
Initially, they thought it to be a mirage, a hallucination brought on by their dehydration. But as they got closer, it became apparent that it was not a mirage, but instead a marketplace. They decided to stop at the first stall, and ask for some water.
They arrive at the first stall, and say to the manager,
“Listen, we’re going to die of dehydration if we don’t get water soon. We really need some, but we have no money. However, we could pay for it in other ways. Can you give us some water, please?”
The manager replies, “No, sorry, I don’t have any water. However, what I do have is this sponge cake, topped with jelly and fruit.” The men decline this desert, and go to the next stall.
At the next stall, the men again ask, “Can you give us some water? We desperately need it, but can’t pay for it with money. However, we can work the debt off. What do you say?”
The owner says, “Sorry, I can’t do that for you, as this stall has no water to sell. However, I can offer you this sponge cake, topped with fruit and jelly.” Again, the men decline the cake, and head to the next stall.
Here, they are becoming a bit frustrated, and simply sat, “Look mate, we’re dying of thirst. Do you have any water for us?”
“No,” says the owner. “But what I do have is this sponge cake, covered with not only fruit and jelly, but also whipped cream!”
The men go to every stall in the market, but none of them have any water for them. Yet, they are all stocked with sponge cakes, topped with jelly and fruit.
Eventually, the men make it out, and continue walking. One of them looks back, and says,
“That was a bit odd, wasn’t it? A marketplace, in the middle of the desert, and yet they only had sponge cake deserts!”
“Yeah,” the other said. “It’s a trifle bazaar.”
Sometimes the HOA does have a reason for all the rules:
You may have to go to the link to have it run