People are losing the spirit of The Ides of March. It’s not about just stabbing. It’s about coming together to stab in groups.
It’s about community.
How do you make holy water?
You take some water & boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “what’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan”.
Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday…
but couldn’t find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind?
A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today?
I don’t know and don’t really care.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant…
but then I changed my mind.
There was a safety meeting at work today …
They asked me , " what steps would you take in case of a Fire ?
“Really BIG steps !!” evidently was NOT the answer…
Why was the Norse seer shunned at the longhouse gathering?
He failed to read the rune.
A farmer knew her calf was hiding in the tall grass.
It mooooved.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
There’s no way that’s just a coincidence.
Why does Capt. Kirk hate St. Patrick’s Day?
Lepre-KHAAAAN!
That’s the last time I get Darkgodosin for my rash.
What’s the difference between Vietnam and Iran?
Trump had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
Good one.
I remember it being equally appropriate for GWB, circa 2005. Plus ça change. 
I’m expecting a horse at my front door Friday
I heard that’s when the equine knocks.
How do trees feel in the springtime?
Re-leaved.
There was this group of “couple friends” who met regularly and over the years they turned into old people.
For years and years they would get together regularly. It was the standard old people get together. The women would gather in the kitchen and talk and the men would sit around in the living room and talk.
One of the elder gentleman started talking about some new restaurant he and his wife had gone to. “Oh, the food was excellent. The service was great and the prices were reasonable. Son of a bitch you guys should try it out.” When asked the name he became a bit confused. . .
“umm, shit. . .a flower” he says.
“Daffodil” somebody guesses. “Carnation” says another.
“No, umm, long and thorns” he says.
“Rose?” guesses one of his pals.
“Yes, Rose! HEY ROSE” he shouts into the kitchen. “What was the name of that restaurant we ate at last week?”
Actor Hugh Laurie was so fond of the works of Robert Burns that he once devoured an entire anthology of his poetry.
Hugh felt that he deserved to be a poet Laurie ate.
What do you call a blind chimpanzee?
a Chimpcantsee.
What does winter fat become?
Spring rolls.
A young boy bumblebee saw a beautiful butterfly winging above him and fell in love.
He asked her to marry him, but she said no. “My father is a monarch, and you are only a son of a bee.”
How many TV reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
…more at 11!
What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?
The first one wrote Ulysses, and the second wrote Faust.
Why did the baby cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Eskimo Christians.
Eskimo Christians who?
Eskimo Christians, I’ll tell you no lies.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see his friend Gregory Peck.
**
One More Time, In Memoriam:
-
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
-
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
-
Chuck Norris breathes air…five times a day.
-
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
-
In the Beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
-
When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck Norris said, “Say please.”
-
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
-
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
-
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
-
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
-
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
-
Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
-
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
-
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
-
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
-
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
-
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
**
Only Chuck Norris could land on runway 37.
That’s subtle.
There are no bridges named for Chuck Norris because people are too afraid to cross him.
St. Peter’s checking out IDs at the gates to Heaven.
“Hello, sir, what was your occupation on earth?”
“I was a doctor.”
“Very good. Ok, go right through those pearly gates and enter. Welcome to Heaven!” “Next.”
“Hello, ma’am, what was your occupation on earth?”
“I was a schoolteacher.”
“Right! Ok, go right on up through the pearly gates. Welcome to Heaven!” “Next.”
“What was your occupation on earth?”
“I was a musician.”
“Yeah? Okay, take the side door, up the freight elevator, and round through the kitchen…”
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
A philosopher is a person who doesn’t have a job…
…but at least understands why.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
What did the guitar say to the ukulele?
Uke, I am your father.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
For every action…
…there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Incontinence Hotline.
Can you hold?
Just when I was getting used to yesterday…
…along comes today.
I happy two wonderful children.
Two out of five’s not bad.
Save the Whales!
Trade them for valuable prizes.
Did you know:
By replacing your potato chips with grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have left in your life!
Soup is witchcraft. We put plants, dead animal parts, and spices in a large cauldron following instructions in a book written by old people.