Where in the bible is baseball mentioned?
In Genesis - “In the beginning”.
How do you know Coleridge’s Ancient Mariner was a a bad cricketer?
He stoppeth one of three
I don’t get this. I thought the phrase used in baseball was ‘Play ball!’ Wait… Is it something to do with innings? Like, ‘big inning’?
Yes. In the big inning.
mmm
Human (smirking): “Hey elf, you look like a girl.”
Elf: “To a human, everything must look like a girl.”
Human: “What?”
Elf: “Half-orcs, half-ogres…”
Human: “… shut up.”
Dwarf: “Half-dragons, half-kobolds.”
Human: "I said shut up!"
Elf: …
Dwarf: …
Human: …
Elf: “Centaurs.”
When I was a mere youth I saw a cartoon in Playboy. Two centaurs are peering through bushes at a maiden bathing in a pond alongside a mare getting a drink. One is saying to the other, “C’mon! Make up your mind!”
Q: Where is baseball mentioned in the bible?
A:- In the big inning (Genesis 1:1)
Genesis 3:6- Eve stole first and Adam stole second
Rebekah went to the well with a “pitcher”
Exodus 4:4 “And he put out his hand, and caught it”
Numbers 11:32 “Ten homers”
Proverbs 18:10 "The righteous run into it, and is safe
Ezekiel 36:12 “Yea, I will cause men to walk”
- Zev Steinhart
Watching the NCAA Football Championship Game with Dad
Me: “Who’s the favorite?”
Dad: “Your brother.”
Two men are playing golf when one realises he’s left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
“What’s up?” asks his mate.
“Well, you see those two women at the tee. One’s my wife, and she’s playing with my mistress.”
His mate laughs and says, “No worries, I’ll go get it for you.”
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says “Small world.”
It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…
If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.
Pickleball players advice.
Dink responsibly. Don’t get smashed.
Human: “You elves all look like girls, it’s just absurd.”
Stalks off
Dwarf: “So…when do you think he’s gonna figure out why elves all look like women, and dwarves all look like men?”
Elf: “Probably never. He hasn’t even figured out we’re married, yet.”
Reminds me of another cartoon with centaurs I saw a few years back with the title Ass Man.
Two centaurs are trotting past a donkey. One of them is leering at the donkey, and the other is saying "You’re sick, man. Sick!"
In a D&D game I was DMing once, an NPC told the party that the bad guys had captured two human men, an elf man, a tiefling woman, a dwarf, and a dragonborn (the same composition as the party themselves, which was significant). When they asked her what gender the dwarf and the dragonborn were, she said “Well, the dwarf had a beard and the dragonborn didn’t have tits. So Hell if I know.”.
Semen hole? (That’s how I pronounce it, anyway.)
Even simpler: “semenal”. That’s the adjectival form of “semen”.
Did you know that Geordi La Forge in Star Trek: The Next Generation was just faking blindness?
That wasn’t a real VISOR, just a LaForgery.
A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting “Murderer!” “Killer!” The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman: “Tell me what happened.”
The suspect: " Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into a single person?"
Policeman: “No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people?"
Suspect :" Well that selfish bastard ran towards the other 12.”
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were attending a conference. That night, they’re sleeping on different floors of the same hotel.
The engineer wakes up to see that his room is on fire. He quickly activates all the emergency fire hydrant systems in his room, completely putting out the fire but drenching his room in the process. He gets back to bed and uncomfortably goes to sleep.
The physicist wakes up to see that her room is on fire. She takes a pitcher, walks to the bathroom, and carefully estimates how much water is needed to put out the fire. She puts out the fire with precisely the right amount of water, gets back to bed and goes to sleep.
The mathematician wakes up to see that his room is on fire. He takes out a pencil and notepad, walks to his desk, and starts madly scribbling. The fire gets bigger and bigger and he scribbles faster and faster. Finally, he writes QED down, and slams his notepad on his desk. “A ha! I have proven that it’s possible to solve the fire problem!” He gets back to bed and goes to sleep.
Did you know? The moon landing was staged. It was faked by Stanley Kubrick.
But Kubrick was a perfectionist, so he insisted that they shoot on location.
Q: How do you tell if a mathematician is extroverted[?
A: When he’s talking to you, he stares at your shoes!
In xenosociology class we learned about a planet full of people who believe in anti-induction: if the sun has risen every day in the past, then they think it’s very unlikely that it’d rise again.
As a result, these people are all starving and living in poverty. An Earth xenosociologist visits the planet and studies them assiduously for 6 months. At the end of her stay, she asked to be brought to their greatest scientists and philosophers, and poses the question: “So why are you still using this anti-induction philosophy? You’re living in horrible poverty!” The lead philosopher of science looks at her in pity as if she’s a child, and replies:
“Well, it never worked before…”
At the next conference, the mathematician and the engineer are roommates. Both are awoken by the fire alarm, and the engineer quickly notes an empty bucket next to the sink, fills it with water, and uses it to put out the fire while the mathematician watches. After the fire’s out, he re-fills the bucket just in case, and goes back to bed. But then there’s ANOTHER fire. This time, the mathematician springs into action: He empties out the bucket, thereby reducing the problem to one previously solved, and goes back to bed.
“Inside me are two wolves.”
“It’s like that Alien movie, but furrier.”
In the 1970s, I heard a similar joke. My recollection is that it went something like this: an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were stranded and had a single can of beans but no opener.
The engineer said, "Let’s find a rock. We can just hammer on the can to break it open.
The physicist said, "Let’s build a fire. We can put the beans on it and the can will break open from increased pressure.
The mathematician said, “Assume we have a can opener.”
I’ve usually heard this one in reference to Finnish people. Often told by Finnish people.
Another joke in a similar vein:
An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.
The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.
The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.
The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”
Two other engineering jokes:
Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
"The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
Three engineers were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?
They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.
Schroedinger’s cat walks into a bar…
…and doesn’t.
I made a graph of all my past relationships.
It has an “Ex” axis and a “Why?” axis.
I’m starting up a new restaurant where the featured dish will be curry poured over french fries.
It’ll be called, “Curry On My Wayward Spud”.
And, yes, there will be peas when you are done.
Mechanical engineers design military weapons systems. Civil engineers design military targets.
(Or is that too soon, now?)