I’m really irritated with my wife, she keeps leaving coffee dregs in the bottom of the carafe.
I think that’s grounds for divorce.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You do need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Son: Dad, did you get the DNA test results back?
Dad: Call me George.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She screamed at me: “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
I made a website for orphans.
It doesn’t have a home page.
What do you call it when you stab a Snickers at Midnight
A Snackrifice.
I said to my young son “of course this separation isn’t your fault! Sometimes, even when two people love each other very much, it still doesn’t work out, and we have to go our separate ways. It’s nobody’s fault. You’ll understand when you’re older”.
As I drove away, looking at his sad, tear-stained face in my rear view mirror while he stood on the front porch of the orphanage, I hoped what I said made him feel a little better.
A teenage weasel walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“You look very young”, says the bartender, “I can’t serve you beer.”
“Fine. Well what else do you have?”
“I have bottled water, coffee, and pop. Which would you like?”
“Pop” Goes the weasel.
You mean, a teenage Midwestern-except-within-200-miles of-Milwaukee-or-St-Louis weasel walks into a bar and orders a beer. 
Could be a Canadian weasel.
(Also, wouldn’t a teenaged weasel be geriatric? How long do weasels live?)
What kind of weasel? Human or Animal?
“Soda goes the weasel” doesn’t quite work.
mmm
A teenaged weasel is partying hard. Harder than is probably good for him, but you only get one life, right? He and his sleazy friends are planning the evening. “I got some contacts at the club. What you want to do tonight, Weaz? Heroin, ketamine, ecstasy?”
“Coke,” goes the weasel, remembering that time he’d done PCP at the abandoned shoe store, and all around the cobbler’s bench the monkey dust chased the weasel.*
.
.
.
*This would work better if I had any idea how any of these things worked. I looked up “monkey” in drug slang, but maybe I should have left it at “Coke” goes the weasel.
How do you tell one member of the Mustelidae family from another?
Some are weaselly distinguishable, whereas others are stoatally different.
You’re really ermine my respect with that Mustelidae pun.
Others may disagree, but I think you otter continue with the pun creation.
You both deserve a badger of honour! 
Could not. No Canadian weasel would order “a beer”. It would order a “Molson Ex” or a Caesar!
Speaking of Molson Export and smallish mammals, I miss the old Molson Export logo-- turn the bottle on its side and it’s an armadillo!
I tried to ferret out more, but I mustelid your request I’m afraid.
Badgers? We don’t need no steenking badgers!
I called the local animal control when I found two badgers on the side of the road next to a suitcase.
The worker asked, “are they moving?”
“I think so”, I said, “that would explain the suitcase.”
Those short squat beer bottles were an ill-conceived abomination that I think only briefly existed in Canada, and survived only a few years. The idea was supposed to be that they fit more easily in a fridge, but everybody hated them.
Incidentally, that triangle-shaped notch at the bottom of the label is not a defect – it’s a Super Sekret code indicating the date of manufacture. IIRC, the notches go around the label like a clock face.
Why? Why? (Duplicate for Discord sake, not because I care that badly.)
I’m probably over-generalizing, but I can think of two reasons that the squat bottles were short-lived. One is that those who liked to guzzle beer directly out of the bottle (that was never me – I loved me my beer mugs with a nice head of foam) found it unfamiliar and harder to drink out of than the slim bottles. The other reason is that if you had enough clearance on one of your fridge shelves for the regular bottles (as dedicated beer drinkers always did) the wider squat ones took up more space.