I went to the movies the other day and a giraffe plopped down right in front of me.
Me: C’mon, I can’t see the screen!
Giraffe: What do you want from me, I’m a giraffe!
Me: At least you can take off your hat!
What do you mean, you want me to have your back?
Won’t you miss it?
The Strait of Hormuz has been renamed the Schrödinger Strait.
Let there be no more Strait of Hormuz jokes.
That ship has sailed.
What did the space alien say to the cat?
Take me to your litter.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered, “Sure, why not.” So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home.
I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
For Sale: Parachute.
Used once, never opened, small stain.
all the parts of the body were arguing over who should be boss; the brain said 'I do the thinking so I should be boss"; the arms said " I do the work, so I should be boss"; the legs said ‘I take you places, so I should be boss’; the heart said “I pump the blood so things work Them , so I should be boss”; finally the asshole piped up and said he should be boss, but all of them laughed at him, so he got mad and quit working. So the eyes got bleary, the heart got sluggish, the arms and legs started shaking, finally they all agreed the asshole could be boss. Moral of story: you don’t have to be good to be boss, just an asshole
When they were giving out brains, you thought they said “trains”, and you missed yours.
When they were giving out chins, you thought they said 'gin", and you ordered a double.
When they were passing out looks, you thought they said books, and said give me a funny one.
(me, in the 4th grade)
mmm
When they were passing out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said ‘A big red one.’
“I urge you all today,
especially today during these times of chaos and war, to love yourself without reservations and to love each other without restraint. Unless you’re into leather.”
― Margaret Cho
“My mom is always bragging about the dumbest shit.
The other day she was telling me and my sister, ‘You know, I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ We were like, ‘Oh my god, who cares?’ I mean, it’s weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.”
– Amy Schumer
###" I would give birth– I would give birth if we could give birth like giraffes.
First of all, there’s a lady giraffe, she doesn’t even look pregnant, she looks great. She has, like, a summer body. Spots are in, she looks amazing. And then, all of a sudden, out of what I can only assume is her gaping vagina, a baby giraffe just falls six feet to the ground. The bitch doesn’t even bend her knees! She’s just like, “Life’s hard, learn it now!” There’s a crumpled, gooey giraffe at her feet. She doesn’t make a face, she doesn’t make a sound, she just walks away, and she’s like, “Are you coming? We’re late.” “Fix your wobbly legs or you’re gonna die.” Seems like a good mom."
–Michelle Wolf
"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:
Eat out."
– Phyllis Diller
“The weekend represents the 48 hours
that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.”
–Iliza Schlesinger
It’s a little-known fact, since it was kept out of the Gospels, that Jesus liked to puff a little cannabis before performing miracles. He didn’t need it, necessarily, but a nice mellow buzz relaxed him and helped facilitate the flow of the miracles.
So one day when Jesus was teaching a crowd of 5,000, his disciples came up to Him and said “we’re all out of loaves and fishes to feed people”. Jesus said “not a problem, let me just spark up this spliff, get a few healthy tokes going, and I will get right on the task of recreating a whole mess of loaves and fishes out of thin air”.
But a Roman soldier who was acting as local law enforcement came up and said “I’m sorry, but I can’t allow you to light that up-- it’s against the law”. Jesus said “but you were right there when I toked up before raising Lazarus from the dead, and you didn’t say a thing that day. What changed?”
The soldier said “Cannabis is legal for medical purposes here, but not for recreational use”.
I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser
Using Firefox helps take the Edge off.
Have you heard about that new app, “Cinder?”
It’s great for carbon dating!
Peter Pan would make a great comedian -
His jokes would never get old.
What is Sherlock Holmes’ favorite type of rock?
Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I got a new pen that can write under water.
It can write other words too.
How do you think the unthinkable?
An Itheberg.
Mrs. Holmes: “Sherlock - what school did you attend?”
Sherlock: “Watson Elementary, my dear.”
What kind of camera did proctologists use in the '50s for holiday snaps?
A Kodak Brown Eye.
My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation to show why we should take them to the water park.
It has many slides.
My wife growled at me and said, “Act your age!”
I replied, “I don’t know how; I’ve never been this old before.”
I say, I say, what do you call an angry nation?
Cross Country! (It’s a running joke.)
Did you know the Queen of Pop had once sung opera?
She was a Pre-Madonna.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
A man is sitting in a theater watching a movie, and his dog is sitting on the seat beside him, watching with great interest and obviously completely engrossed in the movie, jumping up and down with excitement and trying to clap with his paws.
The theater manager sees this and goes over to the man. “That’s incredible”, he says, “is your dog really watching and enjoying the movie?”
“I’m surprised, too”, the man says, “he hated the book!”
Polymarket (betting site) is taking wagers on if Karoline Leavitt will give birth to the Antichrist.
Satan has replied, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Scientists discovered a link between not understanding percentages and driving a casino into bankruptcy.
