Me, " My father invented the cold air balloon."
Friend," What?"
Me, “It never took off.”
Instructor. “Welcome to salsa class. Who’s ready to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips; “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I won first place in the muscle losing contest!
But all I got was atrophy.
I say, I say, Henry, why on earth did you decide to become a proctologist?
Let’s just say I saw an opening.
Why did the condom fly through the air?
Because it was pissed off.
CLASSICS CORNER
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
My son just turned 13 so I thought it was a good time to tell him about the birds and the bees.
He thought it was a good time to tell my about my wife and the FedEx driver.
Bill Engvall said when he tried to give The Talk to his twelve-year old son he wound up taking notes.
“Uh, huh. Uh, huh. They’ll let you do that?”
That career gives the concept of ‘starting at the bottom, and working your way up’ a whole new meaning.
My favorite GI doctor (“proctologist” is an outdated term) had a favorite expression:
“It may be shit to you, but it’s bread and butter to me”.
mmm
This week Trump committed blasphememe.
Why does that make it better/funnier?
Okay, you just won the thread!
This is also the motto of sewage treatment plant operators. It is sometimes translated to Latin for humorous coats of arms.
Quarks, the subatomic particles, were actually named after the sound that seagulls make, as inspired by the writings of James Joyce.
Murray Gell-Mann was a very odd individual.
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s cat.
She said it rang a bell, but she didn’t know if it was there or not.
But he was this close < holds forefinger and thumb an inch apart > to becoming a gynecologist.
T’aint that big a difference.
Q. Why is quantum mechanics the original “original hipster”?
A. It described the universe before it was cool.
There’s a new theory out about inertia…
…but it doesn’t seem to be gaining in monumentum.
Two kittens are on a roof, which one falls off first?
The one with the smallest μ.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.
I was recently accused of committing tax fraud, but I can’t think why!
I don’t even pay taxes.
Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.
Have you heard the latest joke about statisticians?
Probably.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed; I didn’t know they actually worked.
Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor.
His lectures are ribbiting.
What’s the worst part about being a solipsist?
Being the only person who gets your jokes.
He absolutely totally seriously has an honorary doctorate (in Amphibian Letters), awarded when he delivered the commencement speech at Southampton College.
And, when I just looked that up, apparently he did it again, at the University of Maryland, just last year.
Got caught behind a garbage truck this morning. . .
Made me wonder. Do you have to have any special training to be a garbage man, or do you just pick it up along the way?
What did the kidney say to the kidney stone?
Urine my way.
I say, I say, what has five toes but isn’t your foot?
My foot.
Why don’t football players wear glasses?
It’s a contact sport.
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says "Okay, let’s get started.
Kermit tried to get a PhD in Ecological Science and Environmental Studies, but he found out it’s not easy being green.
♫ Well I’m in love with a big blue frog,
A big blue frog loves me.
He’s not as bad as he appears,
He’s got rhythm and a PhD. ♫