I think it’s just that snails are slow.
The only time snails are fast are when they are cooked and served in a French restaurant: then just watch that escargot!
If that’s it it’s not much of a joke.
It’s Halloween and the doorbell rings. On opening it the lady of the house sees a small boy in a pirate costume.
“Ooooh! A pirate. And where are your buccaneers?”
“Right here, lady, under my buccanhat.”
The first time I heard it, I thought it was very funny. Something about it being an unexpected, off-the-wall response, and the snail being pissed off. I’ve haven’t thought it was particularly funny since the first time, though.
Depending on the telling, it might be the snail or it might be the man, I’ve heard it both ways. Regardless the snail being pissed isn’t the same thing as being slow.
Obstruction of Justice & Tampering with Evidence:
Remember that when you see a cat cleaning their murder mittens, they’re removing the DNA evidence.
Ah, but it’s funny because the snail has been working to respond in the heat of the moment for a long time, while the guy and the audience are on real time. So the snail’s slow speed creates an unexpected situation, thus the not-very-funny humour.
“9-1-1, What is your emergency?”
Caller “There’s someone in the house and he’s trying to kill me!”
“Okay, what I want you to do is get to your ballroom.”
“I don’t have a ballroom.”
“…then may God have mercy on your soul.”
Ok, that I’ll buy. And taken from that perspective, it is funny. I think the thing that messed it up for me all along (if that’s what makes it funny) is that they told it wrong in Training Day. They had the man saying ‘what’s your problem? ‘ - I just went back and watched it.
He is both. That is the joke.
We get it, you don’t like it.
mmm
I lol-ed!
Oh, that explains why it didn’t seem funny.
Me: Can you teach me how to do the splits?
Personal Trainer: How flexible are you?
Me: I can’t do Thursdays.
I’ve heard the response to be “Pilgrims”.
Who brought smallpox with them.
A man comes home from a doctor appointment with a big smile on his face. His wife says “what are you smiling about- checkup went well, I take it?”
“It sure did!” The man says. “In fact, the doc wrote me a note to show you— it says I have to have daily sex!”
“What? Let me see that…” the wife says, and takes the note from him.
“It says you have dyslexia”.
It works really well if you tell it as a side-by-side joke.
Tell it initially with the “Pilgrims” punchline, then re-tell it in the same tone of voice:
“… what ELSE do May flowers bring?”
Then hit 'em with the smallpox ending, deadpan face.
(I love dark jokes even more than I love dumb jokes, and this is a quality combo.)
A man is in ER getting a bad cut in the palm of his hand stitched up. "Doc, will I be able to play the violin when this heals?
“Mmm, it’s deep but didn’t reach any tendons or important muscles. I don’t see why not.”
“Good! I never could before!”
Related: A six-year-old boy walks into a drugstore and tells the cashier “I’d like to buy a box of Tampax”. The clerk asks him “Why?”. The boy says “The ads say that with Tampax, I can swim, ride a bike, or climb a tree, and I can’t do any of those things.”