I ended up in an ER after smashing and splitting open the tip of one of my fingers a few years ago, and I used that joke on the ER doc (in my case I asked if I’d be able to play guitar when my finger healed, which I was actually a little worried about). Being an ER doctor, I had figured he would have heard it before, but he cracked up.
A man wakes up in the ICU after the surgery. He manages to get a nurses’s attention (did better than I did) and asks “Are my testicles black?”
The nurse is rather surprised and says “What did you say?”
He repeats, “Are my testicles black?”
She decides to humor him so she lifts up the sheet and the gown and looks and takes a look. She responses, “They look fine to me.”
He grimaces and says much slower, “Are … My … Test … Results … Back?”
Doctor: Well, it looks like you’re pregnant.
Woman: I’m pregnant???
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
I think it works better as presented, with the ‘Smallpox’ punchline. It makes the listener make the connection, which makes it funnier.
At the height of deer season a couple stops at a sportsman’s bar and grill for a bit to eat. They order and about fifteen minutes later when the server is delivering their plates the wife asks, “Those men over at that table. Why are they wearing orange?”
“Why, it’s the law, ma’am.”
“That’s a good law,” she nods. “Drunks everywhere ought to wear orange.”
A farmer is buying a lottery ticket. The clerk asks him what he’ll do with his millions if he wins.
“I reckon I’ll just keep farming 'til the money’s gone.”
I went shopping the other day for cherries and a new microphone.
Bought a BING, bought a BOOM.
President Trump has been taking Xanax daily.
He heard it helps with Hispanic attacks.
Several children found a dead robin.
Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased.
The minister’s 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, “Glory be to the Father…and unto the Son…and into the hole he goes.”
Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshiped parrots.
They were pollytheistic.
"I did a sponsored walk once.
In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi."
– Jimmy Carr
BTW, ala Wiki:
World Laughter Day was established in 1998 and the first celebration was on 10 May 1998, in Mumbai, India, arranged by Dr. Madan Kataria, founder of the worldwide Laughter Yoga movement.[1]
The day is now celebrated on the first Sunday of May worldwide.[1][2]
You expect me to laugh at that one?
Pretend I used a silly voice.
A woman who works in the office of a nursing home regularly brings her young son to work with her.
After a while, he starts visiting and befriending the elderly residents.
One day, dad says to mom, we have to get him into a daycare.
“Why?” mom asks.
“Because when I took him to the store, the cashier asked him how old he is. He answered, “I’m six. I’ll turn seven next year if the lord sees fit.”
How did Darth Vader know Luke was his son?
He had a dad feeling about it.
How long has Anakin Skywalker been evil?
Since the Sith Grade.
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok.
It’s a Wookiee mistake.
What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo?
“Use the horse Luke!”
I like my coffee like I like my Death Stars…
Massive, on the dark side, and strong enough to destroy a planet.
[shifting to silly voice]
Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you!
I still remember my Grandpa’s last words to me before he died: “You got a good grip on that ladder, right?”
^^^^^^^
I still remember my Grandpa’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket: “Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
A short poem for Star Wars day:
Her name was Yoda
A showgirl she was.
(©Brian Bilston)
This is my favorite joke in this thread for a good long while.
Cinco de Mayo’s the best holiday ever!
Really, it’s 5/5.
What do you call a homeless monkey in the woodwind part of an orchestra?
The oboe bonobo hobo.
Did you hear about the two slices of bread that went out on a date?
It was loaf at first sight.
I went to a silent auction.
I ended up with a dog whistle and two mimes.
I was raised as an only child.
It drove my sister nuts.
For you then…
I gave up vaping. It was just not as satisfying. Have you ever tried putting one of those out on your kids arm?
… women - tied up in a sack and slung over the back of a burro in Colombia.
I think it works best as a stand alone, as the expectation is that the answer is going to be Pilgrims, given that this joke is so old. And then you get hit with ‘smallpox’.
I heard it the other way around, I think from @Rico.
Tied up in a burro and slung over a sack?
‘I like my women like I like my coffee…’