Do you ever look at someone and think, “Your mom’s eggs must’ve been expired, and your dad’s swimmers were running Windows 95, because there’s no other explanation for you.”
I-95 leads to Wells (Maine).
They are stormtroopers after all.
I missed the joke at first too, because Brits would normally say “Take the M4”, not “Take M4”.
If we’re ever in a situation where we’re both doing math in our heads; I’m just pretending, it’s all on you
Teenage daughter," Mom, I’ve been dating our neighbor."
Mom, " What? He could be your father."
Teen," Age isn’t an issue, mom."
Mom, “No… I don’t think you understand me.”
I need this knife block
“1812 or 1964” surely? They didn’t invade in 1776, they’d been there for 170 years by then!
These are not genius level jokes. I just go with the flow.
How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?
You Pokemon.
Got a horse. Named it “Mayo.”
Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
(Both work much better spoken out loud.)
Nice !
Can you get a trump version ?
‘Come on, baby! I’ll show you my Pokemon! But first you have to let me have a Pikachu.’
(I don’t remember the stand-up comedian who told that one.)
“And another thing. Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?”
“Do we now?”
How’s y’all’s summer bods looking?
Mine is looking like I have a great personality.
Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf. “Oh,” sobs the old lady. “I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”
“No problem,” says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. “I’ll take you.”
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady’s husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
“I’d really like to thank you,” says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, “but I don’t even know who you are!”
Olaf just waves and walks off.
“I was really worried about you,” comments the old lady’s husband. “What have you been doing?”
" I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
Reminds me of this one…
We are going to Boston in a week for a short vacation. I asked my wife for suggestions as to what to do while we are there. She said, how about the marathon?
Now, I’m no expert but a week seems like a short amount of time to learn how to …
… make a pressure cooker bomb.
Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
— So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
How can you tell if an elephant is colorblind?
— You can see its feet sticking out of the custard.
A five dollar bill walked into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! This is a singles bar!”
Mickey Mouse hanged himself.
He didn’t die though. It was just a case of suspended animation.
I typed “ninjas” into thesaurus .com. It said “ninjas cannot be found.”
Well played ninjas, well played.
I really loved those old elephant jokes. It’s too bad that I don’t remember most of them.
One I do remember:
How do you know if an elephant is hiding in the refrigerator?
From the footprints in the butter.
Heckler: Why are you such a c*nt?
Jimmy Carr: I think it’s because I have depth and the ability to give pleasure.