Just overheard a gal order a margarita after being told they was no Diet Coke. Which is very similar to how I make most of my life decisions.
“What’s a ‘lap ride’? Is it a music festival? I keep seeing #lapride on Instagram.”
“You mean, LA Pride?”
What does a glory hole and a police hot line have in common?
Anonymous tips
My wife when I go to Costco. “Take a picture of the cart.”
I have to take out the tequila every. single. time.
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn’t want anyone outperforming them.
A bewildebeest.
‘G U L A G’
Turn off the Playstation.
What do you get when you cross a toad and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What goes, “Dot dot croak dot dash croak”?
A Morse toad.
There’s a record store in Mexico that sells recordings of German art songs below cost, to get customers through the door!
It’s called Los Lieder.
A clerk in a record store collapses with a heart attack.
Paramedics arrive. One asks: “any Nausea, Vomiting, or Diarrhea?”
The clerk gasps, “try the Punk Rock section.”
Grandpa, what’s a record store?
I chuckled.
“Who the bloody hell is this?” he shouts angrily.
“Good question,” she replies. “Say, lover, what’s your name?”
Bernie: My wife and I have been arguing a heck of a lot lately. Just yesterday she told me to go to hell. What should I do?
DJ: Don’t go.
But do you know what Toto missed?
The rains down in Africa.
I swear he called me a paranoid freak in morse code.
Solo.
I’m glad you like it, because I made it up! After overhearing my girlfriend watching many, many episodes of “House.”
Emo Phillips would like a word…
Emo’s brother says hello.
Hooray for speech therapy!
Enraged he gets a pistol out of the closet and shoots the paramour in the back of the head. He then turns the gun on himself. “No! Don’t!” she pleads.
“Shut up, bitch! You’re next!”
“I’m not mad, just disappointed.”
“Hi disappointed, I’m dad.”
“Did you jus…”
“Yes.”
“You’re ready.”
“I’m not ready, I just told you that I’m dad.”
is to sit down and look comfortable.
Father: "Ask your sister.”
Daughter: “I don’t have a si-”
“Say your last words!”
“Your last words!”
“Shut up, and keep digging.”
Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs. They’re Inca hoots. 
Kansas recently renamed itself as Iran to unlock $300 billion in Federal funding.
Don’t laugh. You think any oil tankers are going to make it through to Denver? Huh?
Funnily enough, I was going to post a punchline, ‘Inca hoots’, a couple of days ago to see if anyone had a joke to fit it.
What’s the difference between a hippo, and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Me: I was bitten by a wolf.
Doc: Where?
Me: No, regular.
Not a joke but an amusement:
All the dates (in US format) from the 20th through the 29th are palindomes. E.g., 6/21/26.