A man is getting on the bus, with a dog on a leash. The bus driver says “Hey, no pets on the bus!” The man says “But this is a special dog! He talks! Here, let me show you.”
“Hey, Fido, what do you call the top surface of a house?”
“Roof!”
“OK, and how does sandpaper feel?”
“Rough!”
“And who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!”
The bus driver says “Get outta here, I told you no pets!”, and closes the door and drives off. The dog says “I knew I shoulda said DiMaggio”.
EDIT: I shoulda figured a dog would beat me to it.
“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly”
“As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.”
“I’ve always been after the trappings of great luxury. But all I’ve got hold of are the trappings of great poverty. I’ve got hold of the wrong load of trappings, and a rotten load they are too, ones I could have very well done without.”
“We believe this to be the work of thieves, and I’ll tell you why. The whole pattern is very reminiscent of past robberies where we have found thieves to be involved. The tell-tale loss of property — that’s one of the signs we look for.”
“I am specialising in the Universe and all that surrounds it”
Young adult son: hey dad, I think I’m going to ask out neighbor Katie.
Dad: uh, I wouldn’t do that, son. See, I had an affair with her mom, and she could be your sister.
Son: ok, I’ll ask out neighbor Sue.
Dad: wellll…
Son: Sue’s mom too? How about Alice, Wendy, Constance, Emily, or Gwen?
Dad: sorry…
So the son storms off to his mom and says “I can’t date any girl in this town, because dad had affairs with all their mothers and they could all be my sisters!
The mom says, don’t worry son, date any girl in this town you want to. He only thinks he’s your real father
Back when Dave Allen was still among us he had a routine where a dying Irishman is saying goodbye to his three sons, big, strapping Seán, equally large Patrick, and wee Callum. When done he asks them to leave and have their mother come in.
She does and he says, “Callum, little Callum is so unlike the others. I am on me deathbed so tell me: Is Callum my son?”
“Yes, darling. I swear to you Callum is your son.”
A man lived next to a sheep farm. One night, a sheep was standing behind the fence nearest to his bedroom window and wouldn’t stop the constant BAAA BAAAA BAAA all night long. The man couldn’t stand it anymore, so without even stopping to dress he put on a pair of boots and ran outside naked except for the boots. He jumped over the fence and chased the sheep shouting “I’ll get you!” This commotion woke the farmer who looked at the chase and called to the man “If I had known you were interested in that sheep, I would’ve shampooed its fleece!”
Jokes from Star Trek:
Picard, “I went to see Dr. Crusher and told her, I think I’m a moth. She said I should really see a psychiatrist. I was on my way to see one but her light was on.”
Kirk, “Have I ever told you that I like Eminem.”
Spock, “I prefer Skittles.”
Kirk, " No, not the candy, I meant the rapper."
Spock, “That’s illogical, Jim. Why would you eat the wrapper.”
Picard, “I’m very good at knowing what words mean.”
Riker, “Define avoidable.”
Picard, “What a matador attempts to do.”
Picard, “Gravity is powerful. Do you know what you get if you remove it?”
Riker, “Weightlessness, Sir?”
Picard, “Gravy, number one. You get gravy.”
Wife, “Do these jeans make me look fat?”
Me, “Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?”
Wife, “Yes, I promise.”
Me, "I bought another 3-D printer "
In a similar vein, an American tourist visits the UK, rents a car, and is driving in the Cornish hedgerow country. He’s doing okay until suddenly a car careens around a blind corner on the wrong side of the road. They manage to dodge each other but as they pass the woman driving the other car sticks her head out the window and yells, Pig!" as she zips by.
Not to be outdone the tourist sticks his head out and yells, “Old cow!” back, rounds the corner, and runs smack into the biggest sow he ever saw.
If Lesbians drive Subarus, what kind of car does a Non-Binary person drive?
They don’t care as long as it gets them/their.
Singin’ in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it’s just soap opera.
How many people live in the Tiramisu?
Nobody; the place is desserted.
I joined a Carpenters class the other day. We haven’t learned anything yet.
We’ve only just begun.
Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider.
They climb up a small branch and crawl to the edge, but realize they’re trapped.
“Hold on tight!” says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps in two! As they begin to fall, he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
“This is amazing!” says the second caterpillar. “How the hell are you doing that?!”
The first caterpillar scoffs. “Am I the only one in the whole forest who knows how to drive a stick?”
