I have had cararact surgery before. It’s just that over the years a film has formed on my lenses. They’ll laser them off, and I will be fine.
Poor Prof. Pepperwinkle can’t eat fish! It’s seafood.
Oh, look at the time; gotta run…
Heck, they’ll just dialate them, then PEW, PEW, PEW and the membrane is toast. You get some floaters for a few weeks but you should be seeing fine the next day. Of course if this is a vacation, take the time off. 
When our fish tank starts to develop a film, we go to the pet store and pick up a couple of snails. Have you tried that?
Prof. P could try rubbing ketchup in his eyes. I’ve heard that Heinz sight is 20/20.
Keeping within the vision theme:
A guy shows a photo of his wife to the guy sitting on the next bar stool. “Isn’t she stunning?”
Second guy says, “If you think she’s stunning, you should see my wife.”
“Why, she’s beautiful, too?”
“No, she’s an optometrist.”
A gang of crooks decide to pull off a bank robbery by breaking into the building in the middle of the night. So they scout out a bank, scope out the floor plans and security systems and employee schedules, and whatnot. Everything you could possibly think of to prepare for a bank heist. Takes them weeks of painstaking work and meticulous attention to the smallest details to get it all figured out.
The big night comes. They climb up on top of the building and drill a person-size hole through the roof and drop down. There are three vaults. They’re able to open the first one, but lo and behold, there’s no money. Just a gallon jar of olives sitting on a pedestal. The robbers look around at one another, confused, shrugging and going WTF? Finally, they decide to take the jar because, after all, they don’t want to go home empty handed.
Then they break into the second vault. Same thing. Third vault, same thing again.
They take the jars home to the leader’s apartment and sit around eating the olives and drinking Jack Daniels, because what else are they going to do?
The next morning, they wake up, bring the newspaper in, and see a big headline on page 1: “Eye Bank Robbed.”
The other day I said to my wife, “You know honey, when I look in the mirror, I just see a tired, defeated old man with thinning hair, bad teeth, flabby muscles and a fat belly. Can you tell me something to make me feel better about myself?”
She replied “Well your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
A guy is seeing his doctor for a routine checkup.
“Doc, I’m worried about my vision. I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
“Have you seen an ophthalmologist yet?”
“No, so far it’s just been the spots.”
That’s the problem!
He’s probably heard about it, though.
mmm
Two police officers ring the bell at a suburban house. A woman answers.
They ask, “Ma’am, is your husband John Ferguson?”
“Yes, he is.”
(Officers remove hats.) “We’re sorry. Looks like he was hit by a bus.”
“Yes, I know, but he’s always been a good provider.”
The psychologist was asked why he used lawyers in his experiments. He replied, “Because there are some things even rats won’t do.”
Why is this funny?
The wife is replying to a statement by the police that she interprets as meaning they think her husband is ugly. “Yes, I know he’s ugly, but he’s a good earner and provider for the family.”
And why would the police come to her house to tell her that her husband is ugly? I’m gonna have to file this one under “trying too hard”.
I liked it.
Therapist: “Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness?”
Me: “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
Me:" I’m unstoppable!"
Therapist: “No, I said you were unstable.”
Me: “Meh, potato, tomato.”
There are 119 members of the US Congress 70 years old or older.
24 of them are over 80 years old.
The US Capitol Building is the world’s most expensive nursing home.
We’re experiencing this heat wave because the Gates of Hell have opened for Mitch McConnell.
And a recipe from the past. Not my cup of tea but here goes:
OK…cops are a problem?
Some guy is standing near the site of the accident and HE runs to the Ferguson house to give her the news.
It’s fine if someone doesn’t like it (I didn’t make it up myself…heard it recently), but I think it’s amusing that, out of all the jokes so far, THIS one is “trying too hard.”