My messages and texts are really boring compared to this:
Do you get tired of people who answer their own questions? I do.
The Institute of Unfinished Business has concluded that six out of ten
The way Republicans are going after Fauci, you’d think he was making a vaccine for pedophilia.
If you can’t sleep at night, it’s probably because you’re awake. Hope this insight helps.
When people tell me that they’ve had enough of my nonsense; I give them even more nonsense, in case they were just being polite.
I am so stealing this
Me too.
I believe I may have just made this one up, and would like to workshop/test it out here:
If a very religious Jew uses vinegar to brine a turkey, could they be said to be employing “Hassidic Acid”?
No less obvious than those drug ads: “Don’t take Tazaquil* if you’re allergic to Tazaquil.”
(*Not a real drug, but a tiny indigenous village in the Huasteca Potosina region of Mexico with a name that should be an anti-depressant.)
Give it time.
A side trip
Doubling down on the buy Canadian .
When I die, I want everyone to act super concerned about the depth of my grave and the strength of my coffin just to freak out the funeral and burial people.
“Are you sure that’s deep enough?”
“So are you guys gonna pour cement over it or just dirt? We can pay extra if it costs more.”
“Does this casket come in carbon fiber?”
I told my local preacher that when I die, I don’t want them to fill the hole above my casket with dirt. I want rocks with plenty of space between them to allow the rattlesnakes to use my grave as a den to survive the winter.
After thorough analysis of the phrase, “I reckon it can’t hurt,” I’ve concluded that it can.
I needed to move a sofa.
I mentioned this to an American. He said, “You know anybody with a truck?”
I did not know anybody with a truck.
He looked at me with real concern. Not pity. Concern. The way you look at a man who has told you he does not have a name.
“You gotta know somebody with a truck.”
I asked how one acquires such a person?
He said, “You just do.” This is the third time I have received that answer in this country. It is the answer to everything here. You just do. There is no process. There is only the eventual fact of having.
He said, “Ask Kevin.”
I do not know a Kevin.
He said Kevin like I should. He said it the way you say a shared uncle.
I met Kevin four days later. Kevin owns a truck. Kevin does not own a truck for himself. Nobody owns a truck for themselves. Kevin owns a truck for a fifteen mile radius.
Inside I said: THIS MAN HAS TAKEN A VOW. HE DID NOT ANNOUNCE IT. HE SIMPLY PURCHASED A BED AND ACCEPTED THE CONSEQUENCES.
Kevin arrived on Saturday. He brought the truck. He also brought a second man.
I had not asked for a second man.
he second man’s name is Tony. Tony came because Kevin came. Tony did not know me. Tony did not ask what we were moving. Tony brought gloves.
They moved the sofa in eleven minutes.
I offered them money. Both of them laughed at the same time, which felt rehearsed and was not.
I asked what I owed them.
Kevin said, “Buy the pizza.”
That is the price. That is the entire economy. The truck costs one pizza and the pizza is not negotiable and the pizza is also not expensive and everyone knows what size.
Inside I said: THE FEE IS FIXED ACROSS THE ENTIRE NATION AND WAS SET BY NO ONE.
We ate on the floor because the sofa was against the wall and none of us wanted to be the first to sit on it.
Tony told me his daughter plays soccer. I asked if she is good. He said, “She’s aggressive.”
I still think about that.
Three weeks later, Kevin texted me. “You free Sunday? Helping Tony move a fridge.”
He did not ask if I wanted to. He informed me of a fridge.
Inside I said: I HAVE BEEN CALLED UP. I DID NOT ENLIST. THE PAPERS WERE FILED ON MY BEHALF.
I went. I moved the fridge. I have no truck. I contributed only arms.
Afterward, a man I had never met asked me if I knew anybody with a truck.
I said, “Yeah, I got a guy.”
I have a guy.
I am somebody’s guy now, too. Tony has told two people about me.
He describes me as “the guy who’s strong for his size.”
I have never been prouder of a sentence in my life.
OK, who’s that from?
EDIT:
Bingo, loved it, true, and stolen.
My therapist told me I have trouble verbalizing my emotions.
I can’t say I’m surprised.
The guy who invented Tetris died. When they put his casket in the ground the whole cemetery disappeared.
In Las Vegas, the churches got used to people putting casino chips in their Sunday collection baskets.
So, they collectively turned to a local Fransiscan monastery, to sort the chips and turn them into usable donation money.
This labor is handled by chip monks.
Cameron Diaz did my colonoscopy.