With all the salmonella recalls lately, the only vegetable missing is Mitch.
A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant chocolate bar.
It was mine.
Treat your body like a data center.
Consume as much literature and water as possible.
Piss off the local town councils with your existence.
Get better soon.
I know you aren’t sick, I just think you can do better.
Didja hear about the shepherd who took his whole flock out into a blizzard?
They had to go to the Icy Ewe ward.
I like to think of myself as a “free spirit”.
Sounds better than, “out of control”.
Therapist: And what do we say when you feel like this?
Me: I’d like a double order of queso, 8 fish tacos, two polo gordito, and a pitcher of margaritas.
Therapist: Noooo
I finally got one of those emotional support pets. A chicken, crispy and came with a biscuit.
Why is a white dwarf star sexually perverse?
It’s made of degenerate matter.
My kind of dessert.
Scientist #1: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs.
Scientist #2: Hmm, not kinky enough.
As long as we are explaining… “Cameron” sounds like “camera,”, more like ‘camera in’.
Bravo, good sir, bravo!
Two guys were in a ventriloquist’s room. They went to one of the puppets and the puppet started talking to them.
One guy said, “I didn’t know that the puppets could talk”.
The other said, “Well, it speaks for itself”.
Warden: “Tomorrow you will be executed for cannibalism. What would you like for your last meal?”
Prisoner: “Five Guys”
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a tiny man scaling down the wall. Confused, I stared up at him and he sneered back.
And I thought to myself, “well that’s a little condescending”.
I thought Con Descending was a greek paratrooper.
If he was an electrician, he’d be Con Fused.
Greek Entomologist - Con Testant.
A chicken walks into a library, goes to the counter and says “book, book, book”. The librarian gives him three books.
An hour later, the chicken returns with the books and says “book, book, book”. The librarian gives him three more books.
A bit later, the chicken again returns with the three books and says “book, book, book”. The librarian gives him another three books.
She is now very curious about what’s going on, so this time she follows the chicken. It waddles up to a pond and presents the books to a frog. The frog says “read it, read it, read it”.
Did you hear about Dolly Parton passing out on stage?
It took four guys to carry her off – two abreast.
People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know, I’m never there.”
– Dolly Parton
A kid playing tag runs up to Tim Curry and says…
you’re IT !
Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?
Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.
What did the ocean say to the beach at the end of summer?
Nothing, it just waved goodbye.
I was stopped by a cop while driving. He said, “You were driving a bit fast. What would happen if you had suddenly come across Mr. Fog?”
I said, “I would press on Mr. Brake.”
He said, “I’m going to ask you again. What would happen if you had suddenly come across mist or fog?”
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
Because they’re cheaper than day rates!
Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends argon.
What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?
The black one always dies first.
What’s long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
Calculus homework.
Old man goes to church
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.r>
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the
city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had
ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with
expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one
greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him
and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here
again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be
appropriate attire for worship.” The old cowboy assured the preacher he
would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same
ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely
shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, “I
thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”
“I did,” replied the old cowboy.
“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be
for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear.
He said He’d never been in this church "
When they got sick he tried to helium, but it was too late.
An older man goes to a new doctor to get a check-up, accompanied by his wife.
Afterward, he says to her “I like this new doc, he’s a good guy. I appreciated his advice that I was at a certain time in my life, and in good enough condition, that I shouldn’t feel embarrassed about masturbating anytime I felt like it. I guess he believes it’s an effective natural stress reliever. It’s a very enlightened attitude”.
“That’s NOT what he said, you moron”. His wife replied. “He said at your age and state of health, you could have a stroke at any time”.