This just in:
Donald Trump is going to change the name of the San Andreas Fault to Joe Biden’s Fault.
Shot my 1st turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome.
Inquisitive grandchild: “Wow grampa, you were in the war? Did you kill anyone?”
Grampa: "Yes, probably. I was a cook
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks, “Is this whiskey?”
The other replies, “Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank.”
I was at the cemetery today putting some flowers down. As soon as I walked away, a lady came up to me and said, "How are you today?’
I said, “Oh shit, you can see me!”
She freaked out and took off running.
To co-worker: I heard that you have tattoos all over your shoulders and back?
Me: Yes. And sometimes when people are sad, I let them color them in.
Co-worker: Why would you do that?
Me: Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.
Research shows that starting your day with an early morning run with a rucksack is the best way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.
Writing a direct, blunt email about a terrible plan: “This is a terrible idea and it’s going to fail.”
Passive-aggressive corporate translation: “I have some reservations about this approach, but I look forward to seeing how we mitigate the risks.”
Don’t mess with me. I have had my patience tested. I am negative.
I got a letter in the mail today confirming my new job as a mailman.
I should have started last week.
Over 75% of Americans say they would buy a laser gun if they were available to the public…
…according to a survey by the PewPewPew Institute.
What did one bacterium say to another bacterium?
I can see you are a man of culture.
Some weirdo called and invited me to his dog’s birthday party.
I said, “Heck, no, my cat’s getting married that weekend.”
I hate all these people who say I need to be “saved” or I’ll “burn”.
Stupid firemen.
Driving test
Instructor: Turn the car on.
Me: Stroking the car console, "You like that don’t you … do you want me to …
Instructor: That’s it. Test over, I’m out of here.
“This car is a lemon. I’ve had nothing but trouble with it.”
Me: “I’m not interested in your Saab story.”
What do you get when you cross a bear with a mountain lion?
Killed, you get killed!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
Woman behind the lingerie counter. “Nice, is it a surprise for your wife?”
Me: “Only if she catches me wearing it.”
How did the hammerhead shark do on its test?
He nailed it.
Had my car towed yesterday. Nothing wrong with it, cheaper than buying gas.
Mostly from Dad joke substack.
The three ages of man:
Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly
What’s the difference between a hippo & a Zippo?
One’s pretty heavy.
The other is a little lighter.
She’s leaning back slightly so as to not be eaten.
So my daughter has a psychology degree. I asked her, “Do like hanging out with dear old dad, or am I a case study?” She glanced at me, picked up her phone, and said, “Subject is aware.”
When I die, I want to be cremated but at the funeral service, there will be an open casket with a muppet version of me.
Thank you for your order from our Sensually Yours Shop. You asked for the large red dildo as featured on our wall. Please select another product as that is our fire extinguisher.
If you’re experiencing joint pain, you’re probably holding the lit end.
“Remember son, we’re men. We walk in. We buy. We walk out. No browsing.”
Gal influencer. “First date, eat off his plate. Establish dominance.”
Reader added commentary. “Leave her with the bill. Establish consequences.”
This was especially funny coming right after a joke involving a hippo.
Netflix has a new mini series Monster: The Lizzie Borden Story. It’s ax-rated.
I’ve been dying to see the movie Constipation but it still hasn’t come out.
Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.
I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house
I am home, but he was Homer.
In Buddhism, people first die, then they attain Nirvana.
..Kurt Cobain did it the other way round.
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it’s a Dell.
I saw a Battle Droid push a foul-mouthed clone trooper off a cliff…
…he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
I went to my doctor and told him I keep hearing a buzzing sound.
He said, yeah, there’s a bug going around.