Why is Trump not invited to the Louvre?
He would insist on signing all the paintings.
Anything’s a toy if you’re brave enough.
Carving a pumpkin in September…
Is a clear case of Premature Ejackolantern.
A guy is sitting at a bar, drinking his drink, and every few minutes uttering the sentence “lawyers are assholes.”
After several minutes of this, the guy on the next stool speaks up. “Excuse me, but I find that extremely offensive.”
“Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
Nurse (smiling). “Congratulations on your successful vasectomy.”
Me. “What? It was supposed to be an appendectomy!”
Interviewer: "What was the worst side effects or outcomes from your COVID shots?
Me: " I’m alive to endure this shithole administration."
Her: There’s no way I can pay my rent but (unbuttoning blouse) maybe there’s another…
Him: I’m sure we can (standing, undoing pants) work some…
Others: This is Monopoly people!
Relationships:
Object of my affection: “Go away, Steven.”
Me: “It’s Stephen, with a PH.”
HER: “Go away PHteven!”
To do list:
- Drink coffee.
- Avoid slapping stupid people.
- Repeat 1 and 2.
Before therapy: I hate everyone.
After therapy: I’m okay with hating everyone.
I woke up this morning determined to eat right, exercise, drink less …
But that was four hours ago, when I was younger and full of hope.
Girlfriends talking .
“If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive. Who would it be?”
"Alive, definitely alive "
Treat your body like a data center: Consume large amounts of water and literature, and annoy the city council by existing.
(This is a test joke, if I may. I’m interested in seeing how many folks get it)
- I get it
- Huh?
0
voters
I started a band, we call ourselves the Palindromes.
Our first album will be titled “If I Had a Stereo”.
“stereo = hi-fi”
I never claimed it was funny. 
(Previous joke re-structured):
I started a band, we call ourselves the Palindromes.
Our first album will be titled “If I Had a Hi-Fi”.
That’s better.
It’s a hi-fi of justice…
It’s a hi-fi of freedom…
It’s a hi-fi of love between my brothers and my sisters…
My kids told me “dad, stop telling everybody your opinions about computers. You don’t know what you’re talking about”.
To that I said “hey, I don’t like computers and I don’t trust them. That’s a perfectly valid opinion, even if you don’t agree with it”.
They replied “that’s not what you say, though. You keep telling people you’re non-binary”.
Aaarrr! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day, savvy>
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: “It’s ok, they’re benign.”
Pirate: “Count again, I think there be ten!”
What is a Pirate’s favorite letter?
The one from the General Manager telling him he’s been traded to the Yankees.
What Does Every Pirate Hate?
A small chest with no booty.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
P. Without it, he’s irate.
When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them
In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You’d think it would be R, but he’s married to the C.
Laughter is the best medicine unless …
You have broken ribs or explosive diarrhea.
My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on our plates. Great man, incredibly slow cook.
Not to brag but, I just walked into another room and remembered why I was going there.
Pokemon cards on Antiques Roadshow. Feeling old now?
Studies show that an increasing number of people aren’t interested in what studies show.
Police interviewer, “When did you first notice your wife was dead?”
Me, " Well the lovemaking was the same but the dirty dishes were piling up "
Police interviewer, “When did you first notice your husband was dead?”
Wife, “Well the lovemaking was the same but the lawn was getting really tall.”
I’m proud to say that my house doesn’t have any unhealthy snacks on it.
Because I ate them all.
The longer I live on earth, the easier it is to understand why geese randomly attack people.
People are so judgemental, I can tell just by looking at them.
Guy wins a big lottery and two days later meets the love of his life. Some people have all the luck.
8am Monday, this is going to be a great week; no matter what happens, I’ll be positive.
9am Monday, I hate everyone.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Canada and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing the accent asks, “What brings you to Canada?”
Irishman, "Well I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said, “Drink Canada Dry” so I thought I’d give it a try.
Guy, I’m 84 and my body is full of aches and pains.
Other guy, I’m 85 and feel like a newborn baby.
Guy, Really?
OG, Yep, no teeth, no hair and I just wet my pants.
mostly from Dads substack who stole them from elsewhere.
Psychiatrist: Do you ever voices but you don’t know who or where they are?
Patient: Oh, yes, all the time.
Psychiatrist: Interesting. When does this happen?
Patient: Right after I answer the phone.
Spock, Captain, we’ve found an asteroid exactly 5,280 ft long.
Kirk, That’s rather large isn’t it Spock?
Spock, Yes sir, it appears to be some sort of a milestone.
Stranger, Nice to meet you.
Me, Give it time.
It’s been five months since I joined the gym and … still no progress.
I think I’ll go there in person and see what the problem is.
Her, I want you back
Him, I don’t date women with children.
Her, They’re your children
Rhinos are just unicorns that let themselves go.
There’s nothing more dangerous than sitting down for a few minutes with your phone.
Three hours later: I’ve watched racoons making cotton candy, diagnosed myself with four conditions, and I’m emotionally involved with a stranger’s kitchen remodel.
This morning I coughed up a bishop, a pawn, and a rook. I think I have a chess infection. It was a rough knight.
A billiard ball rolls into the psychiatrist’s office
“You gotta help me, doc!” The ball says. “I don’t know what’s going on with my life - it feels like I’m just getting knocked around, bouncing off the walls, falling into deep pockets and then I just lie there til somebody pulls me out and it all starts all over again! I don’t know how much longer I can take it!”
“I see,” The psychiatrist says. “Well, why don’t we start from the beginning.? Where do you think your problems began?”
“Well, doc, I think it all goes back to my mother. See, she worked at the billiard ball factory, she was the one who painted the balls as they came off the assembly line. And let me tell you, she did a number on me!”
I say, I say, why, oh why can’t you see in the dark?
Because “dark” doesn’t have a “c”.
TIL that the word “nothing” is a palindrome.
I mean, backwards, it’s “gnihton” which means nothing.
I post on this thread following a couple of simple rules.
- No pee jokes. That’s #1.
- No poop jokes. That’s #2.
Sydney Sweeney says,
“Thank God for nipples. Without them, tits would be pointless.”