I have to know… Did this actually happen?
Sounds like you need a doctor to give you a check, mate.
Yas, a quick search showed a 1999 set of 1st edition cards and specials worth $5 to 10k.
You’ll know I’ve won the lottery when you notice me no longer making the effort with difficult-to-open pistachio nuts.
No joke here, just a pro tip: for those difficult-to-open pistachio nuts, if they have even the smallest of openings, just take the half shell from a previously consumed nut, insert and twist until difficult shell pops open. Easy peasy, no need to find a hammer or pliers!
At the risk of TMI: a few weeks ago I was out sick for the day with “digestive upset” AND a high pollen count gave me sneezing fits all day. DO NOT RECOMMEND (although I did manage to, um, keep everything in).
The Laconic IF. I’ve has the occasional one with a perfectly intact exterior.
Hammer time!
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
Weird.
He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Me: My new girlfriend told me she used to date a circus clown.
Friend: How do you feel about that?
Me: A bit concerned, those are big shoes to fill.
Me. Why am I hungover?
Friend. Did you drink water?
Me. Yes.
F. From a glass?
Me. Yes.
F. Was it frozen?
Me. Yes.
F. Was it surrounded by whisky?
Me. It’s like you know me.
Teacher. Johnny, can you use the word gruesome in a sentence?
Johnny. Yes ma’am, I used to be short but then I grew some.
They said a banana a day cleans your colon … then I learned you’re supposed to eat them.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller. (groan)
Ate my last piece of cheese yesterday. Today it’s raining. Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone. (oof)
I have a small C-clamp I use for that purpose.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes humourous.
Now, that’s (laughing) stock.
what do lawyers wear in court?
a lawsuit
My girl is cheating on me with a baseball player.
I know he’s either a first baseman or a third baseman.
Who? I don’t know.
Why does Ed Sheeran have to open canned food with a knife?
All of his openers quit on him.
I took a job on Old Macdonald’s farm.
I worked my way up, and now I’m the CIEIO.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I realized it the moment she walked through the door.
My wife told me I own a copy of every board game ever made except for one.
Honestly, I had no clue.
Gas prices are so high I went to the dealership and test drove three cars to run my errands.
Superman flies to the crime scene.
Wonderwoman flies to the scene.
Flash is there already.
Batman is filling up while cursing gas prices.
“Not bad, counselor. Not….bad.”
— Tom Hanks character in Philadelphia
Pliers work better.
You’re off base about the actual player your girl is seeing, but what you don’t know won’t hurt you.
But a hammer is more satisfying.
A black cat and a white cat sat by the river.
The white cat fell in.
What did the black cat say?
“Meow.”
Science is when you search for a black cat in a dark room.
Philosophy is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat.
Religion is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat – and then you suddenly exclaim "I’ve found the cat!“
Lawyer:
Someone who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
What do you call graveyard shenanigans?
Tombfoolery.
Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?
It’s the degree of compactness of a substance.