More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1332

President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hello, Mr. Putin!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Putin replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Seán, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Putin paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Putin asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Putin sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 60,000 tanks and 50,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 1,500,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Good mornin’, Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Putin. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no way we can feed 2,000,000 prisoners.”

1333

Actual solid joke from Jim_B, bravo! :clap:

And you didn’t ruin it by explaining it afterward (see, in the New Testament, Jesus was known for turning water into wine…)

1334

Coincidentally, there’s this headline:

1335

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish at a pond you own, tell him you will sell his catch and give him a fraction of the profit, and suddenly he’s all “I’m hungry”, and “where is my health plan?” Gee, nobody wants to fish any more these days.

1336

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

1337

Tyco Toys, manufacturers of Tickle Me Elmo dolls, have recalled several thousand of the popular toy. “There was a miscommunication in the quality control division. Workers misinterpreted our verbal direction to workers to give each doll ‘two test tickles,’” a spokesman said.

1338

I began a college paper with a proverb:

Sell a man a fish, and you eat for a day;
Teach him how to fish, and you lose a potentially valuable customer.

1339

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat all weekend and drink beer. - George Carlin

1340

Chuck Norris

doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

What are the two reactions you should have when you see a tiger in Africa?

Fear, because it’s a tiger!

And Surprise, because there are no tigers in Africa.

Happy Year of the Tiger

The Ohio and Michigan Institute

of Lions and Tigers and Bears.

OH MI.

1341

It didn’t make it any funnier, but I parsed it to
“How do you make Moccas sin?”
“The last of the Mohi can!”.

1342

Now I know you don’t have any Russian jokes. These jokes would have them rolling on the floor there:

So Mikhail Gorbachev is premier, and there are long food lines. Two men are waiting in just such a line. And one man says to the other, I’m getting mighty sick of this. I’m going to go and punch Mikhail Gorbachev in the face. A few moments later he comes back. Did you punch Gorbachev in the face, the other guy asks? No, the line was too long

Did you hear about the Josef Stalin postage stamp? Yeah, it bombed. The peasants kept spitting on the wrong side.

1343

My Wife texted me a selfie

in a new dress and asked “Does this make my butt look big?”

I texted back “Noo!”

My phone auto-corrected my response to “Moo!”

Please send help!

Why was Werner Heisenberg’s wife so unhappy with him?

Whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time.

The 5 rules for Soviet intellectuals

Don’t think.

If you think, don’t speak.

If you think and speak, don’t write.

If you think, speak and write, don’t sign.

If you think, speak, write and sign, well, don’t be surprised.

1344

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

“Helen,” he said, “We’ve been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side.”

His wife solemnly replied, “I remember, dear.”

“Helen,” he continued, “when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn’t think I could go on, but you were by my side.”

His wife began to softly cry, “I know, dear.”

“And now,” the man went on, “I’m about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?”

His wife sobbed, “Right here by your side, dear.”

“Helen,” the man said, “I’m beginning to think you might be bad luck.”

If Bill Murray sees his shadow today

6 more years of Covid.

The fireman climbs the ladder to a bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette."

Ah,he says,you’re the second pregnant girl I’ve rescued this year.`

But I’m not pregnant!

You’re not rescued yet.

1345

And of course you know how Vladimir Putin got his name? The priest was baptizing him, and he looked down, and said ‘…pootin’! …pootin’!’ :wink: :slightly_smiling_face:

1346

Help me out. Is it because Vlad was farting in the birdbath thing? (Making bubbles and a sound like ‘pootin, pootin’?) Or is it because the priest was reminding himself to put the baby in the water? (‘Put in! Put in!’?) Or is it something else?

1347

@Johnny_L.A It’s just a joke. Don’t overanalyze it :wink: :slightly_smiling_face: .

1348

Sorry, I don’t get it.

1349

I don’t get it either.

1350

Moderating:

This can be construed as a joke about rape, which is not allowed. If there is another construction, I’m not seeing it. Please avoid telling this sort of joke in future.

Not a warning.

1351

That makes three of us. Since you like explaining jokes so much, can you explain yours?

@Jim_B