The baby was crapping and when you baptize someone, you give them their name. Is that the final piece of the puzzle?
Could have been farting. Farts are funnier.
Not to inject realism into the setup, but wouldn’t the priest be saying “Vladimir”? You don’t christen someone with their surname.
Maybe that’s the funny bit of the joke, actually?
I think in other words Jim, your joke bombed.
The lepers had to cancel their hockey game. There was a face off in the corner.
Four lepers were playing poker.
One of them threw in his hand.
My father told me I’d go blind if I masturbated.
I replied, “I’m over here, Dad.”
My mom is a believer in baptism by fire.
The priest said “No, you have to use water.”
The United States doesn’t use torture techniques such as water boarding
The prefer the term “tactical baptism”
A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan
The priest is standing there, dunking people’s heads underwater,and when they emerged he would ask if they’d found Jesus.
The drunk wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. when he gets back up, he asks the man if he had found Jesus, to which he replied no, so the priest dunks him underwater again, this time a little longer. and again, he pops back up, and after the priest asked if he’d found Jesus, he said no, a second time. the priest then dunks him under once more, only this time he kept the man underwater for a while. when he came back up one final time, the priest asked if he’d finally found Jesus, the man asked,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Classic commercial:
I wept because I had no shoes. And then I met a man who had no feet. I really hated that guy.
Turns out, I’m lack-toes intolerant.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you’re a mile away from him and you’ve got his shoes.
Not for me it’s not.
Is it common practice to say “pootin” when someone craps in water?
mmm
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Mary had a little lamb given to her to keep,
It followed her around until it died from lack of sleep.
(Cecil Adams mentioned this one once:)
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose !@#+ was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin as he wiped his chin
‘If my ear were a $%^& I could *&^% it.’
(And I came up with this one in high school [I really did 
]…)
There was an old woman from Little Rock
Who dreamt she was sucking a man’s ^&*(.
She woke up the next day and to her most horrid dismay
Found out it was only a dirty sock.
Don’t the parents usually name the child at its baptism?
Here’s a baptism joke that’s actually funny.
There is the story of the woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant, who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. “My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter’s name?”
When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn’t quite the idiot she feared. “And what is my son’s name?”, she inquired. The nurse answered “Denephew”.
Depends. That’s how Princess Esmeralda Margaret Note Spelling of Lancre got christened. (Her mother had been christened Magrat due to her mother’s rather free approach to spelling and wanted to avoid that happening with her daughter. Be careful what you wish for.)
A young Native American boy is curious about how he got his name, so he asks his parents. “Our tribal chief decides the name of all new babies,” they tell him.
So he goes to the chief and asks how he decides what to name the babies. The chief tells him, “When I hear the news that a new baby is born, I step out of my teepee and the first thing I see inspires the baby’s name. For example, the day your sister Morning Sun was born, I stepped outside and saw the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen in my life. And when your brother Fighting Bear was born, I stepped out and saw a grizzly bear fighting off a pack of wolves.”
The young boy nodded and said, “OK, I think I see now.”
The chief asked, “Do you have any other questions for me, Two Dogs Fucking?”
This guy walked up to me the other night and said: “Quick, did you see a policeman around here?” I said no. He said “Good. Stick’em up.”
–comedian/magician Tommy Cooper
I knew the punchline as soon as I started reading this and I still laughed out loud. One of my favorites!
[these are NSFW, or really NSF anyone with a shred of decency]
Summary
A van with four nuns in it is returning from a church gathering when it goes off the road and, unfortunately, all 4 nuns are killed. Arriving at the pearly gates the four nuns are greeted by St. Peter.
“Sisters, welcome to Heaven,” St. Peter says. “In order to be granted admittance you must all answer truthful but one single question.” The nuns glance at each other, then one bravely steps forward.
“Sister, I must ask. Have you ever touched a penis?” St. Peter asks. The nun looks down sheepishly and replies “unfortunately, yes. I once assisted a rabbi with a circumcision at an inner-city hospital we were both volunteering at. Unfortunately, touching the young man’s unmentionable bit was unavoidable.”
“Sister, you have done right by God with your selfless act of charity. I ask that you wash the hand that touched the penis in this holy water and then you may enter the kingdom of Heaven.” He motions towards an ornate stoup that stood near the pearly gates. The nun does as instructed and the gates opened and she walks through. The next nun in line approaches.
“Sister, I must ask you as well. Have you ever touched a penis?” The second nun affirms that she indeed had, as she helped in the same hospital and was tasked with assisting circumcisions as well. St. Peter smiled. “Sister, you have done right by God as well with your selfless act of charity. I ask that you also wash the hand that touched the penis in this holy water as you may then enter the kingdom of Heaven.” He motions again towards an ornate stoup. The second nun washes her hand and the gates open, angles sing, and the nun enters heaven.
The third nun approaches and St. Peter asks yet again “Sister, I ask the same question of you. Have you ever touched a penis?” But before she can answer the fourth nun elbows her way past and marches up to St. Peter and says “look, can you at least let me gargle with that stuff before she sits in it?!”
An old farmer is out plowing his back 40 when a beat-up old VW bus chugs up and parks on the side of the road. The farmer watches as a skinny, disheveled hippie climbs out and starts walking across the field toward the farmer. In his hand is an empty Mason jar. The farmer stops his tractor as the hippie approaches.
“Hey, brother, a most beautiful day to be in nature!” the hippie exclaims. The farmer gives him a long look: the hippie stunk of the demon weed, had hair down to his britches and had a layer of dirt that looked like it would never scrub off. “What can I do for you, young man?” The farmer said.
“So, I was driving along, you know? And I saw this most beautiful stand of honeysuckle back at the edge of your pasture, man. I was wondering if you would be so wonderful and kind as to let me go get some honey.” The hippie held up his empty jar as he said this.
The farmer couldn’t belive what this dumb moron wanted. Honey? From honeysuckle? Unbelievable. But, the farmer had work to do and didn’t want to spend the time arguing with some half-witted stoner, so he said “sure, go get all the honey you want.” The hippie smiled and waved and then headed over to the honeysuckle patch. The farmer shook his head, started the tractor, and went back to plowing. Soon though he noticed the hippie walking back towards his VW, holding the Mason jar… and it was full of honey! No mistaking it, the deep golden syrup filled the jar. The hippie waved, flashed a peace sign, and took off in his VW.
A week or so later the hippie returns, meeting the farmer in his field. “Whoa, man. That honey was some amazing stuff. But I got to ask, when I was down there collecting that most wonderful nectar I noticed some milkweed. Would it be a bother if I helped myself to some milk?” The farmer took a long look at the hippie. Honey was one thing: maybe he had found a beehive while down at the honeysuckle patch. But milk? No way that was possible. The farmer owned no livestock and he knew the hippie could not get any kind of milk from the milkweed. But, not wanting to argue, he said “sure, go help yourself. Take all you want.” So the hippie wandered over to the milkweed, empty jars in hand. Soon though, he was back – with jars full of creamy milk! “Thanks man, this is some primo milk!” And the hippie got in his VW and soon was gone from the farmer’s sight. The farmer scratched his head – milk? From milkweed?!? that should be impossible – but since no explanation was coming he went back to work, trying mightily to forget the hippie.
But it was all in vain. A couple weeks later the farmer, once again out on his tractor, saw the familiar VW drive up and park. Sure enough, out hops the hippie. The farmer stopped his tractor and waited for the hippie to approach. “Afternoon, young man. What can I do for you today?”
“Well man, I must thank you most sincerely for the honey and the milk. It was most delicious. But when I was getting the milk I noticed you had some pussywillow out there, and I was wondering if I --”
At that the farmer immediately shut off his tractor, jumped down, and said excitedly to the hippie, “son, you bet you can and I’m going to join you on this one!”
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri Tip
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
I wept because I had no women. Then I met a man who had no hands.
Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with 2.50.
~Andrew “Dice” Clay
How is Saddam Hussein like Little Miss Muffet?
Both had curds (kurds) in their whey (way). I think I read this in SDMB?
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her turds away…
~My brother
What do you call masturbating cattle?
Beef strokin’ off
What do you call a cow having a seizure?
Beef jerky
What do you get when you put that cow in a patch of romaine lettuce with parmesan cheese?
Seizure salad
What’s the difference between a bum on a bicycle and a tuxedoed man on a unicycle?
Attire
More Jimmy Carr Jokes
Two dragons walk into a pub;
one says to the other, “it’s hot in here.”
The other dragon replies, “Oh yeah? Shut your mouth.”
Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however…
he did kill Hitler.
I don’t like to spend too much time with my girlfriend’s family,
because her husband is getting suspicious.