A. Because she’s got a pumpkin for a coach
B. Because she keeps running away from the ball
It’s Mom not Mum
It’s Chips not Crisps
It’s Fries not Chips
It’s Color not Colour
It’s Soccer not Football
It’s Football not Rugby
Britons:
It’s School not Shooting Range.
A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
“Good news, there is. Bad news, you start tomorrow.”
Britons:
Canadians are so rude when you mistake them for Americans.
Mary had a little lamb
The lamb began to sicken
So Mary sold him to a canner
And now he’s labeled “chicken”.
Valen-swines!
A valentiny!
“I’ve got a crutch on you!”**
I just told this joke to my students because, hey, its a nice clean joke that’s totally appropriate for the classroom and everyone is still talking about the Super Bowl and football in general so why not. Little did I know they’d be able to one-up me (or you, as it so happens). As soon I tell the punchline a voice in the back row shouts out:
"Hey Lancia, what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Me: Um… … hmm… …?
Student: “She gagged.”
Much laughter from the room, the boys making disgusting simian sounds and congratulating each other on their wicked sense of humor while I get to spend 2 or 3 minutes trying to get everyone back on track. That’ll teach me to tell an innocent joke in class.
I read a long article about nuts and what is inside the shell.
In a nutshell, in a nutshell is the fruit.
I’m putting this thread on mute. The addition to the title, about “No rape jokes” both saddens and angers me, and I hate seeing it every day, reminding me that that mod comment was even necessary.
We can’t laugh at ourselves, so we can’t laugh at others.
There was a city slicker visiting a ranch in Texas.
City slicker (pointing toward the corral): How come that cow doesn’t have any horns?
Rancher: Well, some cattle don’t grow horns much. We saw the horns off of longhorns. And when some cattle start growing horns when they are young, we cut the horn buds out of the skull and they don’t grow horns.
City slicker: Thanks. That explains it.
Rancher: Nah. That doesn’t explain anything.
City slicker: Why doesn’t it explain it?
Rancher: Because that’s a horse.
The Bengals can still win the Super Bowl if Mike Pence does the right thing
If that isn’t an incitement to insurgency, i don’t know what is.
Joke
Stop by the sister thread ONLY RAPE JOKES.
There are three kinds of people in the world.
Those that can count, … and those that can’t.
There was a Texan visiting a distant relative who was a farmer in Maine. The local was showing him around, but every time he pointed something else, the Texan would say how they have something similar in Texas, but bigger and better.
The Maine farmer was was getting annoyed, but he was trying to be polite
When they got back to the farm at the end of the day, the Texan looked around and asked, “is this the whole thing?” The farmer say, “yep.”
The Texan replied, “Why back on my ranch, I can get up in the morning, get in my car, and drive all day and still not reach the other side of my ranch.”
The farmer replied, “Yep, I had a car like that once, but I sold it.”
You can substitute just about anywhere for “Maine” in that joke. When I heard it, it was a farmer in Devon, England
Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
He said, “I will be dying soon, so I’d like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.”
The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.
The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.
She shook her head and said, “I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.”
I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters.
[Applause]
A Texan, a Cuban, and a New Yorker go out for a steak dinner. The waiter approaches the table, and says, “Excuse me, gentlemen, but we have no steak tonight because of a beef shortage.” The Texan asks “What’s a shortage?” The Cuban asks, “What’s beef?” The New Yorker asks, “What’s an ‘excuse me’?”
Except Alaska.
Cut Alaska in half and make each half a separate state, and Texas would be the third-largest state.
Why were there no newspapers in ancient Rome?
Because there were no articles in Latin.