I don’t remember the person who said this (Ellen Degeneres? Joan Rivers?): ‘Gloria Vanderbilt? One more facelift, and she’ll have a goatee!’
No joke. That seems to be the rule rather than the exception here in La Crosse, Wisconsin, I was surprised to find when I moved here seven years ago. Lots of families with both parents working outside the home, and grandparents living in the neighborhood to take care of the kids.
I remember Joan Rivers describing a woman: “She’s had so many face lifts when she sits down her mouth flies opens.”
I still remember a Letterman line about Zsa Zsa Gabor (who was know to have a bit of face work done). This was after Gabor’s limo had been rear ended:
“You should have seen the face Zsa Zsa wanted to make.”
mmm
Allegedly, in the scene (The World According to Garp) where Garp’s wife tells him she’s pregnant he draws a baby’s face on her belly with lipstick. In one take, he drew it too low and Robin Williams quipped, “Baby’s got a beard!”
I just competed in the Suntanning Olympics
but I only got bronze.
I reckon I could have won something at the Youth Olympics
If it wasn’t for all those medaling kids.
An old man goes up to a prostitute.
He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approaches, “how much do you charge?” he asks. “€200” she says. “Are you any good?” he then asks. “Well I’ve two Olympic gold medals
Fallout 4 joke:
Virgil: I see the teleporter hasn’t totally disintegrated you.
Nate: It did, but I managed to pull myself together.
My dad caught me having a wank. He said “If you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.” I asked “Can I do it just til I need glasses?”
A man is walking by an alley, and a prostitute asked him if he’d like to have a little fun. He said “Why not? How much for a blowjob?” “$100” she said. He hollered “$100? That’s way too much.” “Take it or leave it, that’s the price.” He grumbled, then dropped his drawers and started masturbating furiously. “What are you doing?” He replied “For $100 I’m not giving you the easy one.”
A hooker approaches a john and says “I’ll do anything you want for $100.” “Anything?” he asks. “Anything.” So he takes her home, hands her a bucket and a brush and says “Paint my porch.”
An hour later she rings the doorbell, hands him the bucket and brush and collects her money. As she is leaving she says over her shoulder “By the way, that isn’t a porch. It’s a Ferrari.”
After I gave my father his 60th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes.
“For God’s sake,” he said, “one would have been sufficient.”
That reminds me of a The Young Ones episode (‘Nasty’?) where Neil, Vyvyan, and Mike are downstairs. They hear pounding upstairs. One of then says, ‘What’s that pounding upstairs?’ Another replies, ‘Probably Ric, doing a bit of reading.’
I was teaching a class today and I asked the students, “Who would like to learn about Roman Numerals?”
A student at the front of the class said, “I, for one…”
Lincoln’s Birthday
There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy’s assassination that everyone overlooked…
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer.
The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " Who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
She tells the interviewer she doesn’t know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.
She tells her mom, “Great, they already have me working on a case.”
What did Abraham Lincoln say when he heard there’s a movie about him hunting vampires?
“What the heck’s a movie?.”
I’ve been fighting an addiction to watching Hitchcock movies.
I’ve entered a 39 Step program.
Good luck. that program is for the birds.
I read this rhyme in a book for children, of all places, when I was a child. (I shutter to think what kids are reading today.)
How did it go?
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go.
Until she saw beef in the store one day at prices that didn’t please her;
She’s having roast lamb today, the rest is in the freezer.
Hey, like I said. What are kids reading today? 
Mary had a little lamb
Leftover in a stew
It sat and sat until it turned
A ghastly shade of blue
Did you ever think
When a hearse goes by
That one of these days
You’re gonna die?
They wrap you up
In a big, big sheet
And throw you down
About thirty feet
The worms crawl in,
The worms crawl out,
The worms play pinochle
On your snout.
I googled to see if there might be other verses and wow, there’s a song with lots of verses.
(Looks like you need to click on it, then scroll down for additional verses)