What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna One
Anna Two
I would have thought those were Lawrence Welk’s daughters’ names.
I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament
I took gold, silver and bronze.
McDonalds has decided to close all operations in Russia
They’re calling it a “no fry” zone.
James finds Timmy crying at a hospital…
“Timmy!” James exclaims, “What happened?”
“I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm,” Timmy responds.
James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.
Timmy looks over and asks, “Why are you suddenly crying now?”
James wails, “Because I have a urine test later!”
I just had to pay to refill the air in my tires. It used to be free!!
Now that’s inflation!
How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty
Professor, how do you come up with so many fine jokes for this thread?
Control C, Control V
Where is the source? By the way, you have come up with many fine jokes for this thread.
Thank you. I often use Reddit, and also Upjokes, plus a number of others as I come across 'em.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
I’m not saying fuel prices are too high, but…
I went to the gas station and said I wanted five dollars worth of gas. I handed the clerk my money. He farted and gave me a receipt.
What’s the similarity between semicolons and pregnancies?
Both mean you won’t be seeing a period for a little while.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
What’s the difference between a semicolon and a cat?
One has a pause at the end of it’s clause, the other has claws at the end of it’s paws.
Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally cut completely through the the part of the large intestine that extends from the cecum to the rectum, thereby inventing the semi-colon?
There was an old man from Vienna,
Who lived upon tincture of Senna.
When that didn’t agree
He took Chamomile Tea
That nasty old man from Vienna!
A flea and a fly in flue
Were imprisoned, what could they do!
Said the flea, Let’s fly
Said the fly, Let’s flee
So they flew thru a flaw in the flue.
There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the Fall
It would be a sad thing
Had he died in the Spring
But he didn’t - he died in the Fall.
In 1985, Stanford University’s marching band did a tribute to presidential diseases. They formed two circles on the field in homage to President Reagan’s colon, then formed a little tail on the lower circle to indicate he now had a semi-colon after his operation.
The only account of this I could find online is a non-copyable Google Books sample.
What do you call a dead pelican?
A pelican’t.
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
“And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training.”
What did the janitor say when he popped out of the closet?
Supplies!
They were probably mentioned upthread, but with such short search terms I’m not going to look:
What’s the difference between dark and hard?
It’s dark all night
What’s the difference between light and hard?
A man can sleep with a light on.
My girlfriend asked me to take her somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her to the petrol station.
Two dumb blokes go to a car lot to buy a car. They don’t see anything they can afford, but notice a camel standing in a corner with a sign around its neck saying “$50.” They ask the dealer about the camel and he said, “Gentlemen, this is a specially-trained camel. He will stop at all red lights and go when the lights turn green.” The two dumb guys pay for the camel and start riding it home. They come to a red light and the camel stops, just as the dealer promised. A minute later the light turns green and the camel proceeds ahead. The camel stops at another red light and a guy in a convertible pulls up next to them. He starts laughing and yells, “Look at the two perfect assholes on that camel!” The two dumb guys get off the camel to look, then the light turns green.
Just a month or so ago the punchline was the lumberyard
There was a young fellow named Halls
Who toured all the low music-halls.
His favourite trick
Was to stand on his elbow
And roll 'round the floor on his ankles.
A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”
“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”
The man replies “One water please”
“Just a water??”
“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”
When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…
These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.
I thought up this Fibonacci joke …
But it’s worse than my last two combined