I saw this as a cartoon.
A father bids his 5-y-o goodnight. The boy says, “Dad, there’s a monster under my bed. Can I come and sleep in your room?”
The father replies, “Don’t drag me into this - it’s you he’s after.”
From Facebook:
As women grow older, they collect more and more dogs and cats. This syndrome is called many-paws.
Q: If March winds bring April showers, and April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
From Red Meat (comic strip):
Manopause: everything is bigger, hairier, and closer to the ground.
Another RedMeat (weird Earl): (paraphrased):
“I was in an antique shop. Bought an old, beat up rocker. Says his name’s Eddie Money.
Did you hear about the guy who was half Japanese and half Black?
Every December 7th he attacked Pearl Bailey.
(funny how reading one joke reminds you of another)
A man hears a knock on his door. He opens it and there is a turtle selling magazine subscriptions. The homeowner picks up the turtle and throws him as far as he can.
Three years later the man hears a knock on his door. It’s the turtle. “What the fuck did you do that for?”
I once dated the inventor of the stopwatch.
That was my 15.535 seconds of fame.
Why did the cactus cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken!
By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers…
The Priest scolded him …
After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.
His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.
One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!
He has never stepped into the Church ever again.
That evening, he went to a bar …
He was still nervous n unsure.
By mistake he spilled his drink on the table.
The waiter apologized, gave him a napkin to clean himself up.
The janitor mopped the floor.
The female manager offered him a complimentary drink.
The bar girl gave him a hug n said,
“Don’t worry man. Who doesn’t make mistakes ?”
He has never stopped going to that bar since then
How do you store chickens?
In layers.
A mother opens the door to the playroom and observes her 6 year old daughter comforting her younger brother, who is in tears.
Girl: “Everything will be alright, you’ll see. It’s just one of those things that happen. The pain will soon go away and you’ll be happy again.”
Mother: “Why is he crying?”
Girl: “I hit him.”
That one had me in tiers!
ISWYDT.
FWIW, I made that one up this morning.
I asked some horses if I should take Ivermectin. They all said “nay”.
Nice job, Johnny!
Jay Leno, in grade school, told his teacher this. I think he created it.
All of Robin Hood’s merry men knew that if they were caught by the Sheriff, they would be boiled in oil. All except Tuck, that is.
They wouldn’t boil Tuck…he was a friar/fryer.
I’m sorry, when I said “butter” I really meant “ghee”.
I should have clarified.
What do you call someone who dyes their hair red?
Transginger.
Why are Republicans overweight?
So they can own the lbs.
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Iphone cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Ipad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman in the U.S. government,” says the cowboy. “Wow, that’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn’t recognize
“Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What’s your name?”
“John.”
“John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Smith, Jones, Jenkins, and so on. And you will refer to me as sergeant major. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, sergeant major.”
“Good. Now that we’ve got that settled, what is your name, soldier?”
The soldier breathes a heavy sigh and answers “Darling. My name is John Darling, sergeant major.”
“Okay John, here’s what I need you to do…”
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
And so they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate
Inmate #1: so, why are you here?
Inmate #2: I’m in prison for something I didn’t do.
Inmate #1: yeah?
Inmate #2: yea, I didn’t wipe off the fingerprints from the murder weapon.
Nice one!
A few from the late Victor Buono, because why not?
When my dad was a communications officer in the Navy, his superior officer was Commander Darling.