One time, my wife were in flagrante derelicto in the manner proscribed by the padres and such, right in the middle of the day (woohoo!). A spider on the ceiling came down from the ceiling on its web and landed right on my back. My wife happened to see it and just as I felt a tickling sensation on my back, she yelled SPIDER! I disengaged and brushed him off me, going EW! EW! EW!
Sensitive? Moi? If I had to be personally offended every time I criticized someone else, well shit, I’d probably have a lot more friends.
You only have to put a smiley behind everything if you are unable to marshall the bountiful resources of the English language to express your mirth.
Since I can’t, I give you this.
It was quite astounding. She was pretty tiny, but I have no idea how she got through the two front seats without cracking her head on the dome light. If the front armrest hadn’t been down, she never would have made it.
–Cliffy
This, by far, is my most favorite thread on the SDMB.
Except for the occasional squad car pulling up during a vehicular flagrante derelicto, I don’t have any stories to share. I love living vicariously through y’all.
I would love to have a picture of his face at that exact moment.
I had a recent funny moment that, while not as good as others, did make me giggle when it happened.
So, for a while, I had a friends with benefits thing (now just regular friends) and we were gettin’ busy, as the kids these days say, when she blurted out:
“Make sure you get a condom. My pill script ran out and I don’t want you to preggo my eggo.” 
Preggo my eggo? Classic!
This is almost the exact story I wanted to post … only the cat in question (still a kitten, really) didn’t want to join in … she simply curled up on my boyfriend’s ass and went to sleep.
And then there was the time I hit my head on every piece of furniture in the living room … but that wasn’t mishaps, just bad spatial relations. 
Back in high school, my BF and I were on the couch taking advantage of my dad’s absence. We were going at it pretty ferociously, and, at the moment of conquest, I . . . I growled. I certainly hadn’t intended to, and I got a pretty funny look from my BF.
Moving forward, just after college I dated a guy briefly before I moved to Boston. We did some roleplaying, and in this particular instance were enacting an interrogation scene. He was handcuffed (nice, black leather padded wristcuffs) to the heating pipe that run along the ceiling of my basement apartment. He kept struggling against the wristcuffs (naturally, since I kept slapping him with a riding crop when he wouldn’t admit to being an enemy spy :p) when suddenly the cuffs broke. “Ah, so you think you’re a strong boy?” I said in the godawful fake German accent I was using for the scene, just before we both collapsed into laughter.
Most recently, my roommates adopted two kittens a couple months ago. Last week, I felt like a quick bit of fun, and since my roommates had just left for I-don’t-remember-what that guaranteed they wouldn’t be home for a while, I didn’t bother closing the bedroom door or keeping quiet. The kittens were playing in the hall when I started, and when I opened my eyes a minute later, they were both perched on the footboard staring at me like their eyes were about to pop out of their heads. I just couldn’t keep going with those two kittens looking at me like that.
Every time you touch yourself, God kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.
I am thinking of the kittens! Why do you think I touch myself at much as i can?
(I kid, I kid.)
When my son was three, he got up in the middle of the night while we were, y’know. Usually we could hear him open his bedroom door, but that night he must have been extra quiet. He pushed open our bedroom door and we froze (we were about ten seconds from finished) and I very quickly pulled a sheet up further to cover us. I sadi “yes, Bren,” in as measured a voice as I could. He strated to say something and then stopped, looked confused for a second, and asked, “Uh, whatcha doin’?”
Once while a friend and I were doing the horizontal tango, his jealous cat gave a horrendous howl and leaped off the headboard onto my back. I still have scars, 35 years later. :eek:
In a dark bedroom, acting on advice from the Joy of Sex, IIRC, I was pulling my boyfriend’s foreskin down while giving him head. And then, there was a pop, and a yell. He said it hurt for a minute, but was OK, so we continued with further activities, including between-the-breasts frottage and full-on sex (we were 20, what can I say?).
After we were done, we flicked on the lights to find that my torso was covered in blood. It was like a scene from a horror movie. Turns out I’d severed his frenulum.
We both developed a wicked bacterial infection later that week.
But I think the worst thing was, he had a big job interview the next day, and had to wear one of my sanitary pads to it because he was still bleeding a bit.
Be careful dating sailor boys…
I used to date a Navy guy who wore a necklace with a gold anchor on it. One day as we were messing around, the charm managed to work it’s way around into the perfect position to hook itself into my nose (ow ow ow!). I actually heard a small “crunch” noise as it set itself into the cartilage.
Of course, my shriek of pain just caused him to sit up quickly and ask what was wrong. This action made matter’s worse, hooking me even more securely.
I’m sure it was quite comical though if anyone could have seen us frantically trying to find the clasp on the necklace with him laying on top of me trying not to move, and me with a gold anchor in my nose, trying not to bleed on the couch.
A very long time ago… My girlfriend and I (16 and 17 repectively) were in my '69 Chevy Van at a local park at night. Through the only window in the back door, I see headlights behind the truck. We had been going at it for awhile so we just froze and listened. Then came the rap of a nightstick on the side doors. I pulled on my jeans, and nothing else, and steped out figuring a cop should be cool enough to figure it out, pants unbuckled and hair matted down with sweat… serious wood straining at the denim.
Shit, it was a lady cop!!! Taking her light and shining it into my eyes and then down to the bulge, she just smiled and said “You got someone in there with you?”. I wanted to say “well hell, I would certainly hope so” but nodded bashfully instead. She just smiled and told us we’d have to move along and find some other place to park.
I thought it was pretty funny and kinda cool. My girlfriend, however, did not agree.
Last night, 3 year old daughter, we were 10 seconds from finishing.
We froze, wife turned off toy, daughter climbed/crawled into bed (we were under a blanket, thank Og) to get to momma’s comforting arms because she had had a bad dream.
We calmly talked to her and tried to get her to leave and finally momma had to promise she would go in and read her a story in a few minutes. Kid left, we resumed, finished, put on the pajama’s and read a story.
Ain’t no 3 yr-old gonna stop us from getting the good job done! 
-Tcat
One of my girlfriends would scoot across whatever surface we were on if we did it missionary. I found this out the hard way one of the first times we did it. She ended up scooting to the foot of the bed, gradually going over the edge, did a backbend with her hands on the floor, and eventually was almost onto the floor. This was amusing enough, but the kicker was that I had a beefed-up air mattress instead of a regular mattress. When we were almost off the bed, our weight was enough to flip the mattress over onto us. We were both really into it, so we basically ignored it at the time, but laughed about it later.
A year or so earlier, with a different girl, I was doing it standing up. She had her legs wrapped around me while I held her. Eventually, I ended up using a wall for support, putting her back against the wall and really giving it to her. After a minute or two of rather enthusiastic thrusting, we heard a <crash> from the hallway. We disengaged and checked to see what the noise was. We’d shaken the wall enough to knock a picture off the wall and the frame had broken. It was her roommate’s.
Not a mishap, but. . .One of my first posts here was about my “Jesus” roommate. One time I got into a Dueling Girlfriends match with him. The wall between our rooms was substandard, to say the least, and the doors were pretty thin. You could hear an awful lot of what went on in there and neither he nor his women were shy about making noise. We were starting to do stuff when we heard Jesus and one of his women come in. My girl, D., decided that she was going to be particularly loud this session. That seemed to make No. 2 determined to outdo D. A war of escalation is normally not much fun. It was this time, though I half-wished I had ear plugs.
I used to laugh much more at these stories before I had one…
The WryGuy and I were all over the bed one night. We both had rather a lot of energy. There was a position shift, when he went from being on the bottom to being on top, and we both went sailing over the edge of the bed. We landed, still “engaged”, and in a dazed voice he said, “Huh. I thought I had a good idea of the available space there.”
'Nother time, the Kid had a friend overnight and they were thoroughly distracted by a vampire movie in the basement, so the Guy and I crept off to enjoy some alone time. Our episode was relatively uneventful, but the next morning the Kid told us breathlessly of how she and the friend had gotten scared by “weird noises.” The WryGuy muttered something aboiut the house settling, and the friend said, “Ohhhh. Yeah, my house makes the same noise, all the time.” Since we are very good friends with the parents of this child, it was a major effort not to laugh. When we next saw this kid’s parents, we related the story to them. The wife blushed, and the husband yelled, “Yeah baby!”
My SO and I had been dating for about a year and were pretty comfortable with each other so one day when we were alone in his house we decided to experimient with various things and were having a mighty fine time. Skip to about an hour later, he was handcuffed to the bed (footcuffed as well ;)), myself on top and about 30 seconds to go when we heard voices just outside the door. Needless to say, I quickly made my body parallel with his and who should walk in? His mother, his sister and his sisters boyfriend. It took them about 10 seconds to realise what was going on, they hastily excused themselves. As soon as the door closed, we erupted into giggles and kept going. But it was mighty hard for either of us to look his family in the eye for a while after that…