I’ve got a million of these; my kids are golden quote generators. Some recent ones:
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My four-year-old daughter, to my wife: “I’m reading this book in my head. If you want to hear it, just hold your ear up to my ear.”
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My 6-year-old had a school assembly about good eating habits and general healthy living. Eager to share her knowledge that ‘you are what you eat,’ she asked her 4-year-old sister: “Do you know what you’re made of?”
The 4-year-old’s immediate kick-ass reply: “Stuff that doesn’t break.”
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A few weeks ago my two daughters decided that they were “Mommy Smaug and Baby Smaug,” which was cute. Then they rushed me with a double-dragon flame breath attack, and declared: “Yay! Now that the human is dead, we can do whatever we want!”
A few minutes later, I was treated to this follow-up scene:
4-year-old daughter: “Are you trying to steal my treasure?”
Me: “No.”
6-year-old daughter (from the other room): “He’s just saying that so he can steal your treasure when you’re not looking. Kill him, Baby Smaug!”
I finished fixing my almost three-year-old’s hair and sent her downstairs, where my husband was packing her bag for day care. To alert him that she was on her way down, I yelled “Incoming!” She looked at me like I was nuts, giggled, and said “Mommy, I’m not In. I’m Josie!”
In a store, another child was pointing at a toy and wailing that he wanted one. The parent gave him a hug (but not the toy) and guided him away. My son began wailing, “Want one! Want one!” Since we weren’t by the toys yet, I asked what he wanted. “One hug.” (He got it.)
When he was two, while we were walking down the street, he said, “Wanna see flatbed truck.” Less than a minute later, one rolled by. He got very excited and shouted, “Wanna see bwontosaurus!” I explained that he couldn’t, as they all lived a very long time ago. “Awright. Wanna see tywannosaurus wex!”
When he was about five, he announced, “I know about the Santa conspiracy. It means he gives me presents even when I’m naughty.”
Not my kid, or even a kid I know, but I remember a few years back we were driving back from Montreal in the summer. Beautiful day, so everyone’s windows were open. We were pulled up at a light, and I heard a dog:
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
Then, from the same car, a kid:
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
Sounding exactly the same as the dog! The dog was triggered and we heard
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
And then the kid
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
It was so hilarious, the kid sounding just like the dog and making the dog bark. The kid was in a car seat, very little, maybe three. I met eyes with Dad the driver, who gave me a sheepish look and said “Got my own security system.”
When my son was about 5, I put several items on the table in preparation for lunch - including a newly purchased, unused carton of milk. I was then distracted briefly and left the table for a few minutes. When I returned I went to open the milk carton. I noticed that the spout had been tampered with and said something like “Oh, maybe we shouldn’t use this milk after all, it’s been opened already.”
My son explained:“I opened it, mommy, so the milk could breathe.”
You probably won’t believe me when I insist that no, his parents were NOT actually getting sloshed on wine every night …
My son, just turned three, is in the cart in the supermarket when we pass a Arab girl shop attendan, wearing the traditional Muslim colorful head scarf.
My son sees her, jumps up and down in excitement in the cart, points at the girl, and yells: “Pirate!”.
When my son was 10, he discovered a box of our old record albums. After looking at them, and commenting on the pretty cover art he asked what they were. I explained that LPs were how music was listened to before CDs. His comment: “Wow, I bet the slot in your car’s dashboard was huge.”
My cousin Robbie, 11, is absolute best buddies with my Mom, and he can be relied upon to hang out with her at every opportunity. Since they live about ten hours apart, this is only a few times per year, but Mom’s his favorite person.
His grandparents are pretty careful about his vocabulary, and they’ve determined that ‘crap’ is a bad word. Mom gamely plays along, so when she or Robbie says ‘crap’ in the other’s presence, the other will correct them to ‘carp’.
I find the whole thing pretty damn silly, and I think Robbie’s starting to get to the point where he agrees. He and I were in the computer room at my parent’s place, and he was messing with something while I set up my parents’ new wireless router.
Robbie (mutters) : Oh, crap.
Me (grinning) : Don’t you mean carp?
Robbie (perfectly exasperated) : Shut up.
My friend and her not-quite-3 year old were helping me out with some gardening stuff. The kid was playing in the shed while we were getting the strimmer working, and I went in to check on her, to find the roll of cleaning cloths I’d left in there were now wound all round the pots and bits of junk in there. I asked her what had happened to the cloths, as I wound them back on the roll, and I swear I could see the cogs whirring as she tried to work out an acceptable answer:
I gave a lift to a colleague this morning as well as taking my 3.5 y/old to nursery.
First thing daughter said was “I’ve just done a a trumpy”, which is bad enough. She then followed this by saying “Yep, it was a real eggy poofter” (which is UK slang for a properly smelly fart).
We were at our family Christmas party the other day and I was chatting with my son (8) and nephew (9). I noticed my son hadn’t worn the shirt that I’d put out for him…
Me: Why didn’t you wear the orange shirt I got out for you?
Son: I didn’t like it. I wanted to wear this one (black, thermal shirt) instead.
Me: Oh, but the other one is so cute!
Son: I don’t want a cute shirt, I want an awesome shirt.
Me: You know, girls like boys that are cute.
Nephew: Yeah, but girls like boys that are awesome even better.
At one of my son’s football practices a couple months ago, the coaches were doing that typical rah-rah, get tough stuff that football coaches do. One of the kids was acting like he really wasn’t that into it, holding back a bit. The coach turned to him and said, “Whaddya need, a hug?” The kid said, “yeah.” So the coach gave him a big bear hug. It was sweet.
My 2 YO daughter while wearing real underwear instead of diapers after getting potty trained. I have no idea where she came up with the term wedgie or why she didn’t use the word ‘bottom’ instead of butt like we try to around her, but she did indeed have a wedgie. Her word usage was right on.
Too young to say anything funny yet, but 1-year old baby Smaje freaks the f out when Brian Williams comes on the tv to do the evening news. We’ve thought about filiming her and sending it in – I think he’d be the kind of person to get a big kick out of that!
My parents were visiting them (Mammaw and Pappaw) and since there was no smoking in the house my dad would stand just outside the back door while he smoked a cigarette. My nephew would run to the dining room window and stare at him in fascination.
So a few weeks later he and my brother are walking into a store. As they’re walking past a puddle my nephew notices a cigarette butt floating in it and excitedly points and shouts “PAPPAW!!”