My ex-girlfriends dad caught us “spoiling” his prized leather couch.
He never did quite like me after that.
When I was 17 I managed to have sex with my girlfriend who was 18 (I had her convinced that I wasn’t a virgin, so she felt obligated) and eventually it turned into regular and relatively kinky sex, which I was too young and stupid at the time to fully appreciate - it was the best sex I ever had.
Anyways, my brother recommended the “ice cube” trick, which was surprisingly successful (for insertion, not for nipples). She liked it so much we went shopping at a supermarket for other items that may be fun “to insert.” We never considered going to an adult store, I guess because we were still in high school. Anyways, we bought popsicles and a Slim Jim to try out. We decided that the popsicles would cause an unpleasant mess, so we tried the beef jerky instead. As soon as I “inserted” the beef jerky and gave it a few thrusts, she stopped me . . . the beef jerky was too spicy and burned!! We stopped the insertion experiments then and there.
Every time I tell this story, everyone always asks me . . .“Did you eat it?” No, I did not eat the beef Jerky afterwards!
I know a fellow who is allergic to whipped cream, which he only discovered after an evening with his girlfriend, involving whipped cream, which resulted in a rash all over the lower part of his face.
Man, that’s cruel and unusual punishment of beef jerky right there.
::there is a hush around the campfire as rhinostylee whispers::
“…and I never beef jerkyed off again.”
Calling a Slim Jim “beef jerky” is cruel and unusual in itself.
::massive laughter:: DMark, you’ve made my night and brightened my week. I’ll never stop laughing about this one!
~Ferry
A gynast? That’s rare! You were lucky.
A few years ago, CrankyAsAnOldMan and I had a mutual friend who was involved with a woman he described as having, “…the sweetest tasting [parts] I’ve ever tasted…” He was quite smitten with her, until one morning he woke up and found himself practically swimming…she’d wet the bed so much that animals were starting to line up two-by-two. She was mortified, understandably, but he was less than amused when I asked him if perhaps he’d discovered the source of the sweetness…
Ohh ohh, there was this one time at band camp…
Just kidding! Really tho, heres my two stories.
#1)During the “deed” I guess between the sweat and friction, our stomachs rubbed together and made this farting sound. Giggeling insued for a good 5 minutes afterwards.
#2)During a round of phone sex, she suggested trying some lotion for a change. I looked and all we had was some pepperment lotion stuff, so it went something like this. “Ohh yeah this feels good… Ohhhh… hmmm… kinda warm now… uhhhh… okay this is getting kinda HOT.” Vroom off to the showers. She still makes fun of me about it.
Quite a few years ago, a female friend invited me over to her place to hang out with her and her roomie. Having nothing to do, I said sure, and arrived with a 12-pack of beer.
We sat around drinking and watching movies on cable for a few hours, and during that time, I noticed that my friend was looking rather good. Sexy, in fact. We’d been platonic friends for years, with no sexual overtones at all, so I figured it was either the beer or my desperate horniness that was driving me to leer at her in her bathrobe.
Even further, her roomie was absolutely stunning. She was about five-ten or so, very thin and willow-like, and probably could have been a model if she chose to do so. She sat on the other end of the couch wearing a very short kimono that showed a lot of lovely leg. My horniness was just increased by this.
After awhile, my friend began gesturing to her roomie, and they two of them would get up and go into the kitchen and speak in hushed tones.
Then they would return, explaining nothing.
Then my friend would gesture to her roomie again, and they would return to the kitchen for another round of furtive whispering.
I just sat there, drinking my beer, wondering what was going on.
Finally, after their 10th departure, they returned and sat on the couch opposite from the recliner I was lounging in and said, “Keith, have you ever been shared?”
At this point I’d like to go fictional and write that I replied with calm nonchalance: “Sure baby. Which one of you wants to get fucked first? I got plenty of time for both of you.” But honesty forces me to admit that I was a 21 year old nerd with a lot less sexual experience than I projected, so after swallowing nervously a few times and glancing repeatedly at the ceiling, I croaked, “Uh, well, uhhhh, ummm, heh, well, no.”
And so the festivities began. We began by making out with each other, and there was much groping of everyone’s package by everyone else…and then the two of them decided to show the deeper, more inimate side of their friendship with each other while I watched with a stunned look on my face. I’d never seen girls go down on each other before, and the feeling of sitting there watching was, in my befuddled 21-year old mind, akin to drinking espresso in a street cafe in Florence or winning a million dollars in the lottery.
Is this really happening to me? I wondered. Life was good, life was a stream of sunshine and blooming flowers…
After much female-to-female love, they turned their attention to me and pretty much jumped on me, smothering me with kisses and gropes and many good things besides. Her roomie unzipped my pants and began giving me a blowjob, and that stream of sunshine was looking brighter and brighter.
This is how being King Of The World feels, I thought, making it with two beautiful women at once…
After blowing me for about 10 minutes, the roomie passed it over to my friend, and my friend picked up the slack. I sat back smiling, playing with the roomie in various ways…
…until I felt pain. Sharp, annoying pain. My friend was either nervous or unexperienced at fellatio, and she was grinding her teeth up and down in a way that can only be described as OUCH.
Shit, she was really hurting me! But wrapped up in the situation, I didn’t want to spoil the mood, and let her continue while trying to ignore the pain as much as possible.
Which was not possible, because after five minutes, she was hurting me so badly that I lost my erection.
Her roomie took over again and had the flag flying at full mast in less than a minute. I was relieved.
Then my friend got on it again and with her teeth promptly reduced it to extreme limp in no time flat.
The roomie resumed, and again, all systems were go.
And my friend stepped back up to bat and promptly shot me down. At this point, I was being chewed so badly that I wasn’t only limp, it was trying to crawl back up inside my body, it seemed. Worst of all, my friend was definately not happy, and her look of puzzlement rapidly turned into one of brooding and then petulance. I felt horrible; but then, what was I supposed to do, tell her “I know we’ve been friends since 6th grade, but Jesus, you’re tearing my dick apart!”
The scene got somewhat uncomfortable at his point, and her roomie resumed blowing, getting me hard instantly, while my friend withdrew somewhat from the scene, not leaving the room but not doing anything to either me or her roomie either. She seemed somewhat upset. Hell, I was upset because she was upset, and my enthusiasm was becoming slightly dampened because no goofy drunken three-some fuck was worth any kind of tension or misunderstanding between us.
The mood was promptly shattered for good when her roomie handed me a condom and indicated she was ready to ride. Eager to screw and maybe get the mood back on track, I ripped the condom packet open, pulled the condom out, placed it on the head of my johnson, started to quickly unroll, and…
…broke the condom as I did do.
It was the only one she had. My friend said she didn’t have any. I was so womanless in those days that buying condoms was akin to fantasizing about what kind of beach house I’d buy when I was a millionaire, so I never bothered making the investment.
I think we all sat there just looking at the remains of the broken condom around my penis for a moment.
The mood was definately broken for good.
The night ended with some more variations on oral between all three of us, but I think anyone would agree that as a starter threesome, the experience was piss-poor and was a letdown after years of anticipation. It ruined my opinion on group sex for years, and I would wearily tell people that it wasn’t worth the time and caused all kinds of problems, lecturing in the voice of a man who’s seen it all and found it all lacking…luckily, I managed to have a few redeeming experiences with a duo of women that changed my mind, but that first time always makes me shudder.
Apple-flavored edible “love gel” + friction = sniff “Honey, do you smell… baked apples?” We did manage to continue after the laughing fit ended. 
Actually, there really was this one time at band camp…
Not so much an embarrassing-during-sex story, but an embarrassing-after-sex story:
I was a sailing instructor at Interlochen, and one of the CIT’s invited me back to her cabin after a night out slam-polka-ing at the Karlin Inn. I was spotted leaving the cabin (in the girls-only section of camp) and she got kicked out of camp. I wasn’t recognized, so I got to keep my cool job ($300 for the whole summer! whee!).
Hmm… at first I couldn’t think of any. But I remember an interesting evening now.
I was hanging out with my first b/f and his best friend (Irish). It was St Paddy’s day and Irish is well… Irish so we had to go out and celebrate by drinking lots and lots of Guiness and green beer. Well towards the end of the day (well the end where I could stay. I had to be home by 7pm!!) we were hanging out in O’Byrnes. A pub down on the local bar strip.
It’s this really nice place that when you walk in to your left opens up with a small bar and a stage, with stairs leading upwards to the second floor. To your right are a few booths and straight ahead is the main bar with tables along the wall which leads towards the back. At the back is this smaller darker room that leads out towards the bathrooms and the patio. There is another bar back here, but it is non-functional. More for decoration. So all of us, and a few new friends we’d made were sitting back there drinking.
My b/f and I ended up sitting at the very end in the corner of this darker room against the bar. We’re fairly drunk (as is everyone else) and start making out. My back is to the room and his to the wall, he eventually gets my zipper down and starts fingering me as we’re making out.
This is all very exciting of course. Keep in mind I’m a virgin, this is one of the first times I’ve gone out drinking and this is also my first bf. We are making out and the party continues on behind us. About 20 or so people sitting at the tables drinking and talking loudly… my ex pulls away for a moment to catch his breath… and spots someone with a video camera aimed at us.
Killed the mood right away, not like I would’ve gone further in such a public place, but we barely kissed for most of the rest of the day. The people with the camera claimed it wasn’t recording but who knows if there is a darkly lit video of me making out with my bf in a very suggestive way in a very public place.
I laugh over it now but it surprised the hell outta me that day.
hey… I think I’ve seen that video…
So I guess I’m not the only one this happens to!
This reminds me of one of my funniest sex moments.
CG and I had only been married for about 4 mos when we adopted a kitten named Precious who was about 4 weeks old at the time.We had gotten her used to sleeping with us(and vice versa)because she was so young and we (in our naievete’)thought if she slept on the floor,she’d freeze to death.That’s the set up. Ok…
One night CG and I were really at it and then mid-thrust he stops.I looked up at him and ask him what’s wrong.Apparently,Precious had crawled up on his ass and fallen asleep and he was afraid to move in case he woke her up! Definitely what you’d call a show stopper.So…after much manoevering…we managed to get apart and get Precious settled on the end of the bed.Never did get to finish that night.
IDBB
My SO and I were having a lovely evening of Quiet Sex because the kiddies were in their room just down the hall. I was on top of him and everything was really great until my allergies started to flare up a bit. I paused for a moment to sneeze–not thinking how this might effect him, especially since I didn’t warn him first. Apparently, the resultant muscle contractions that occur when you sneeze are pretty strong. He let out what I can only describe as a high-pitched, girly scream that woke the kids and had them pounding on the bed room door asking what had happened. I was laughing too hard to respond and when he said, “it’s okay, I just hit my head,” that only made me laugh harder.
Once when the future Mrs. Cliffy and I were freshmen in college we were out walking around on the quad and were given some of those Hawaiin flower necklaces by members of a Hawaiian student group that was advertising a dance. Later that afternoon we went back to her room and had sex. We were just finished getting dressed when her roommate entered and immediately asked: “Who got laid?”
Also, my dad caught my high school girlfriend and I in my car parked in front of her house at 2:30 the morning before the SAT’s. We were both largely dressed and she managed to convince him we’d fallen asleep (while she desperately tried to stuff her bra under the seat with her foot). I don’t actually think he believed us, but he was willing to play along.
–Cliffy
All I know is that the only time my mom would ever offer me something to eat outside of normal meals is when I had a girl over and my bedroom door was shut.
This reminds me of one time, my father, his gf and my bro and his friends went out one New Years to the waterpark which has a hawaiian themed New Years. You can get leis if you’re quick (or can convince a cute lifeguard to give you one 
) and this year I managed to get one. I come back up to the family unit with it around my neck and Dad’s back was turned to me. His gf looks up at me and grins at my Dad and says “You’re daughter just got lei’d” He nearly flipped until he looked at me and realized I had one around my neck.