Just wanted to start a new thread to state this. As I said, we talked things out.
—He was never going to let me go without my medication.
—He did donate blood today, which I hadn’t known when this all started, so his defenses were down.
—I said some things myself.
—It didn’t go to violence or threats. In fact, when I left for my…expedition…I popped my head back in the door and said, “I’m not going to come back and find all my stuff on the sidewalk, am I?” He said, “No…just be careful where you walk, and don’t get mugged.”
—I was also frustrated with the payroll company, and the people who fired me, so I wasn’t as much in control as I might have been.
—At one point, I said, “If I was really out of control, this whole room would be in shambles.” He said, “No, if you’d started wrecking stuff, I would have held you down so you didn’t hurt yourself punching something.”
However, everything is still not peaches and cream. We still need counseling, especially for the money issues.
I thank you all again for your support. I feel bad that I’ve turned some people against him. If I bring him to the next Dopefest, I hope he’ll be welcome.
Again I say, this would have happened anyway, but I firmly believe it would have been less intense if it had happened before 9/11/01, the new Day that Will Live in Infamy.
Of course he will be welcomed. Any violence I suggested 1) would have to be performed by you or it wouldn’t count, and 2) was merely the suggestion that you push his reset button. Guys have theirs upside their heads, and they stick sometimes so you need to push real hard. (Dogs have theirs on their butts.)
If I were to count the number of times when I deserved to have my wife divorce me… Remember, it’s been a quarter of a century and you people know me–and I’ve IMPROVED–so you can imagine how many times it’s been. I’m happy your MIL is reasonable–I suspect my mom would take Wife over me so we don’t have that problem, either. I’m glad you are (both) getting counseling together. The “together” is the important part. We didn’t have that and my shrink is surprised we’re still together.
Sorry if it seemed like we piled on. I think we just wanted you to get a wake-up call that his attitude isn’t right, normal, or respectful. When you’re in the midst of it, it can be easy to dismiss it as okay because it’s an occasional thing. But sometimes it takes someone outside of a situation to remind you that those things are NEVER supposed to happen, so you can set yourselves, both of you, straight again. I just don’t think married people should treat each other with disdain. It’s a red flag if it happens, and it sounds like you know that, which is reassuring.
He knows it too, and the first thing he did, when we sat down to discuss the incident, was apologize. Disdain…You know, he never says anything cruel. I mean, we don’t call each other ‘loser’ or ‘worthless’, like our parents did.
What you’re looking at here is two abuse survivors who are trying every day to build a healthy marriage and not repeat the pattern. Yesterday he slipped. I’ve slipped before too. I’ve heard my mom’s voice, and I’ve stopped and apologized, and I was forgiven. Yesterday we heard his dad’s voice. Luckily, his mom was on the scene (well, on the phone, anyway) and corrected him immediately.
I’m making no excuses, but I am saying that it could be a lot worse. Not that yesterday was okay.
I’m glad to hear that. I’ll repeat the urging for both of you to get counseling - get money/debt counseling and couples counseling. Get individual counseling if Mr. Rilch won’t go. The United Way in your area can refer you to sliding scale family counselor in your area. Please don’t put this off “until you get a new job” or “because things are okay now, it was just stress.”
Absolutely not. In another thread, I said, “Any hangups that people had on Monday are going to have to be jettisoned.” We can’t face this if we’re not facing it together.
BTW, I didn’t get a chance to post an update. My check came, thank god. Now we have toilet paper. Friend also lent us ten until Mr. Rilch gets his check. I got enough food so we probably won’t have to go out again until Monday.
Now that I’m calm, I want to say that this is a wonderful example of how the SDMB community pulls together. I’m a little embarrassed now: people are talking about housing people stranded in NYC, finding their friends and family, losing their loved ones, and donating blood. Then I come charging in, screaming and hysterical about my husband and my medication and my check and his subwoofer.
At a time when many people don’t have a roof of their own. And can’t even get to a pharmacy for their prescriptions. And will not get another paycheck for a long time. And would give anything to see their husband come home with a subwoofer, or just come home.
I’m sorry, everyone. I deeply apologize. I couldn’t resolve my own problems, even when the proof was on every channel that countless others had the same problems in spades. You could easily have ignored me, but you didn’t. You listened and you offered help, and I send my love to all who responded.
(Dogs have theirs on their butts.)