Dear Dopers,
I feel that the time has come that I share something with you which has not been revealed until now. Many of you who have read my posts and replied to them, seem to be aware that something with me is amiss. Well, my friends, you are right. What I am about to share with you is not a joke, not a pity party, but simply a way for me to let you know me better. What you choose to do with this knowledge is beyond my control. I can only hope and pray that some of you will be understanding and have a desire to help see me through this.
Despite my often jovial and whimsical attitude in my posts, there is another side to the person that is MagicalSilverKey. Some of you have “read between the lines” and seen a glimpse of this side of me. A side that is not so happy, not so fun, not so lively. A side that is sad, lonely, and bitter. What is this “dark side” you may ask? Well, I shall tell you.
I have been coming to the board for a long time. Many of you have come to get an idea of who I am through my posts, but I haven’t revealed the whole picture of myself until now. The reason for my often despondent nature, is that I have a personality disorder. I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder in the summer of 1995. Although I was diagnosed in '95, I have had this disorder the majority of my life. Looking in retrospect, I first started suffering it significantly and noticeably in high school, then early adulthood. I sought out counseling in '95 when I underwent a major case of depression and was literally on the verge of suicide. One day while I was at my job, I took my utility knife and placed the razor sharp blade against my left wrist, and began pressing as hard as I could. I wanted so badly for the skin to break and for the blood to come rushing out but it would not. Fortunately, I had the sense to realize that I had a serious problem and that I seriously needed help. I walked out of work in tears that day, and shortly thereafter, I went to get help. I spent one year in outpatient therapy and about 6 to 8 months on anti-depressant medication. I have come a very long way since then.
I continue to struggle with this disorder on a daily basis, to this moment, and I still have a long way to go. I am currently not undergoing therapy or on any medication. I am not suicidal. I have done a great deal of research into Avoidant Personality Disorder, over the last 6 months. By doing so, I have come to a far greater understanding of why I am the way I am, and of who I am. The past six months of my life have been very life-changing for me. My disorder cannot be “cured” but it can be dealt with. I have begun dealing with it in many ways I had never dreamed of before. First of all, I admitted that I have this disorder to my family and friends. This is something I had kept secret for many years. I was ashamed, frightened, and humiliated. Little did I know that in doing so, I was only keeping myself from getting better and keeping my loved ones from understanding me. I now, admit my illness to you, The Teeming Millions.
I have written many threads with the recurring theme of how lonely and unhappy I am and how I yearn for a mate. I have also been “difficult” with many of you when you chose to reply and tried to help. I truly and seriously apologize for this. It is my fault that I have not told you of my disorder, so that you may better understand and help me if you desired to. Well, my friends, “I am coming out of the closet.” I am laying it all out on the table for all too see, learn, and understand. I am tired of denying my problems, denying myself, and denying life. I want to get better and I want to have a full life, just like the rest of the world. That is not going to change, until I start facing it by sharing my problem openly with the world. This is me in raw, honest form. The hardest part of anyone outside coming to terms with my disorder, is accepting that it is an integral and eternal part of my being and who I am. It cannot simply be erased like writing from a chalkboard. However, I believe that with time, patience, and understanding, the writing on the chalkboard can, not be erased, but rather, overwritten.
What is Avoidant Personality Disorder?
I have many links to share with you if you desire to read them. Some are short, some are long, but I plead with you who wish to research this, that you read as much as possible. This disorder is quite complex, and cannot be properly perceived through a few short paragraphs and pages. You may encounter a good deal of repetition in some of the articles, but please, do not let this discourage your reading.
[li]This is the bare basics. A very brief summary of symptoms.[/li][li]This is one of the best in-depth pages I have found online about AvPD.[/li][li]The Avoidant Personality Disorder Homepage[/li][li]More about AvPD.[/li]
I could post a ton more, but I digress for the moment. If you desire more links, let me know and I can post them or Email them. IM’s are welcome.
So, hopefully, the above will help some of you understand why:
[li] I am unemployed and have a very difficult time getting a new job or staying with a job. AvPD significantly interferes with my working.[/li][li] I have absolutely no friends, IRL.[/li][li] I am not adept at making new friends or meeting women.[/li][li] I am living with my mother at age 31.[/li]
Now another question remains: What am I doing about overcoming this disorder? IMHO, more than I ever have before.
[li] I openly admit, to myself and others, that I have this problem and that it’s a part me.[/li][li] I am getting myself out in the world as much and more than ever. For example, by going to two different churches 4 times a week.[/li][li] Researching the problem so that I may have a better understanding of the problem and of myself.[/li][li] Sharing this research with others, so that they may have a better understanding of the problem and of myself.[/li]
I would like to return to counseling for this problem, but the cost is a major problem at this time, and my family is not willing to help. I am not aware of what medications, if any, are available for this exact disorder. My previous Rx was for depression and was called Serzone and it helped the depression only. I have no insurance. I have no savings. I may have to look into Medicaid, Social Security, or disability income. I have done some research into Medicaid, and I do not believe I would qualify. Even so, to incur any of these, I most likely would need a letter from a physician about the problem, would I not? It’s quite a mess. I am not eligible for unemployment compensation.
My friends, as if the above were not enough a burden to bear, I learned in January that there is a very strong & likely possibility that I have recently contracted Reiter’s Syndrome, a physical disorder, as well. I have a good number of the symptoms, the worst being significant eye problems, significant joint pain, and uncomfortable urethral problems.
The hardest part of all of this, is I have to endure all of this alone. My family is not standing by my side, my girlfriend abandoned me, and my friends have all been long gone. It’s just me and God now. Perhaps there are some who here who are brave enough to help keep my spirits up. I know there is at least one, you know who you are. 
Thanks for listening. If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask.
Alan - MSK
