A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. They order drinks and enjoy some good conversation.
Two hobo were crossing a bridge. Mutually, they decided to urinate from the top of it into the water below. A police officer observed them and they were arrested for indecent exposure.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you?”
ETA: Should have previewed before sending. ::Shakes fist at Sppons.::
A skeleton, inside a person, walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then back on the phone the guy says “I’m not a trained medical professional but upon rechecking his pulse and respiration it appears he might still be alive.”
.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you have frequent blackouts.
Apologies to Zach Galifianakis.
I also love the Simpson’s version of that
Q: Who’s on first?
A: Yes. Not the pronoun, but the player with the unlikely last name of Who.
Two guys are walking down a sidewalk and they see a dog licking its balls. One guy says “Wow, I wish I could do that.” The other replies “Me too.”
Nice.
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, “Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees… Why do you ask Chavatangakwunua?”
Shamelessly stolen from Bill Bailey:
A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Englishman walk into a pub, and the whole scene plays out with a tedious inevitability.
“Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”
“I’m sorry sir; I’ll get you another bowl of soup. Please accept our apologies.”
Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and I’m a little offended by that question.
What’s grosser than gross?
Well, rotting meat is pretty bad, but then again so is raw sewage.
Q: How many Harvard girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they can just call building maintenance.
Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Inexplicable.
How do they separate the men from the boys in Texas?
At age 18, he legally becomes an adult and is able to vote, sign legally binding contracts, and so forth.
A family walks into a talent agent’s office. The agent says “Sorry, I’m not signing any family acts anymore.” The father says “At least let us show you what we do.” The agent refuses and the family leaves.
Q) Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
A) They generally don’t eat humans. They will sometimes bite a human to see what they taste like but upon discovering that it is not tasty they will usually let the human go.
Q: How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Really, it is a simple task that any adult and even children can accomplish by themselves.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Again, one. The political beliefs of the person changing the light bulb have nothing to do with their ability to change a light bulb.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. This is actually getting quite tiresome. No matter what particular political, religious, socioeconomic, professional, educational or ethnic characteristics a person possesses, the ability to change a light bulb independently, without assistance, remains unchanged.
Q: How many quadriplegics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: sigh Yes, yes, yes…I expected you were going to go this route eventually. Personally, I am not familiar with what sort of manipulative aids are available nowadays. It is entirely possible that there is a device that would allow a quadriplegic person to change a light bulb without assistance, but I am not sure. If such a device is available, then I would expect that the answer is one, although use of the aid may somehow require the assistance of another person. Again, my personal lack of knowledge in this area prevents me from giving you a clear answer. If, however, no such manipulative aid exists, then it is entirely possible that no number of quadriplegic people working together would be able to change a light bulb, although I would not discount the pure human ingenuity of several quadriplegic people brainstorming together to come up with a method by which working together, they could successfully change a light bulb. However, assuming that no manipulative aid exists, I expect that if a quadriplegic person needed a light bulb changed and if they were not able to do so by himself or herself, then rather than trying to gather an indeterminate number of quadriplegic people together to brainstorm some method for changing a light bulb by working as a group, the person in question would simply request assistance from another person who is able to change the light bulb. So, the answer is maybe one, maybe some indeterminate larger number, or maybe one with assistance from another person who is not quadriplegic.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, now you are just being vulgar and disgusting, and I refuse to answer any more of your pointless questions.