[omitting long setup]
So the old lady throws the parrot in the freezer. The parrot looked over at a frozen chicken that was in the freezer as well and, because it could only repeat words that it knew, swore once again.
Q:Why was Bert doing the pigeon?
A: He really enjoyed dancing, and it was his favorite dance.
(I will now find the appropriate threads and post the dirty version)
“My dog’s got no nob.”
“No nob? How does it make love?”
“It’s a bitch.”
A grandmother takes her grandson to the beach. They sit, the play, but soon a huge wave comes, knocking them both over. When the water recedes, the child is gone. The grandmother runs up and down the sand, searching. Finally, with no sight of her grandson, she drops to her knees and begins to pray. “Dear God, please bring him back to me. He’s all I have. I will do anything, promise anything. I will change my ways. I will be the person you want me to be.” Just then, another enormous wave comes and knocks her over again. This time, though, when the water recedes, her grandson is sitting in her lap. She looks up and says quietly to God, “Thank you.”
Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.
A duck goes into a drug store and asks the clerk for a stick of chapstick. The clerk asks the duck if he needs anything else. The duck replies “no, nothing today, thanks.”
A grandmother takes her grandson to the beach. They sit, the play, but soon a huge wave comes, knocking them both over. When the water recedes, the child is gone. The grandmother runs up and down the sand, searching. Finally, with no sight of her grandson, she drops to her knees and begins to pray. “Dear God, please bring him back to me. He’s all I have. I will do anything, promise anything. I will change my ways. I will be the person you want me to be.” After 5 hours she leaves and calls 911. The drown boy is found the next day washed up a mile down the beach.
How do you get an English major off your porch?
Ask him or her to leave. If they don’t, say you’ll call the police, and then do it.
Then the guy said, “Oh, by the way, when I painted your porch, I was extra careful to put a drop cloth over your Mercedes sitting in the driveway.”
A man says to his psychiatrist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I’m a tee-pee! I’m a wigwam!”
The doctor says, “You seem to be suffering from some kind of pychosis. Let’s find the appropriate course of counseling and possible medication that will help you realize your true identity.”
So his mom comes home and starts calling him: “Johney Luckermaster, Johney Luckermaster”
To which he replys: “Mom, it has just occurred to me that your lack of enunciation makes my name sound very similar to an admonition to accelerate coitus. This unfortunate coincidence could lead to potential embarrassment at some future point when I am experiencing my first * sexual encounter, so please enunciate more clearly when calling out to me.”
*Because as the Cardinal explained, that business with Father O’Toole never happened.
Q: How do you starve a member of (ethnic minority)?
A: Discriminate against them in your hiring practices, resulting in their inability to earn a living wage to buy sufficient food for their caloric needs.
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar together. The imam says “I’m sorry gentlemen, but my religion forbids drinking alcohol,” so they all agree to relocate to the coffee shop next door, where they have a nice chat on the nature of the Creator.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Engage said blonde in an in-depth conversation on a complex topic of which they have little prior experience or knowledge, and if necessary make many false, self-contradictory or logically inconsistent statements during the course of the conversation.
Two prostitutes are having a conversation in a park, when one asks the other “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
“Well”, replies the other, “if ‘fuzz’ is, as I understand it, a common colloquialism for ‘police’ or other law-enforcement authority, then yes. On four occasions. It’s an expected occurrence for any person who earns a living by publicly engaging in illegal activities. I’m surprised you felt the need to ask.”
Q: What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A: That depends entirely on the species of said dinosaur - its monocular condition has no bearing on its proper nomenclature.
Two Irish labourers, Paddy and Mick, are working on a building site when suddenly Mick trips and falls two stories. Paddy immediately climbs down to his friend, who wails “Paddy, Paddy, call me an ambulance!”.
“Don’t worry, Mick”, replies Paddy. “The site manager saw the whole thing and has already called the emergency services. Help should be here soon.”
(skipping to the end…) So, the next guy shows up to the Halloween party at a Brooklyn brownstone – the party where you’re supposed to dress as “some emotion” – and he’s naked, except for a custard cream pie that’s plastered to his
erect penis. The host answers the door and says, “So, what are YOU supposed to be, then?”
The guy replies, “Oops…wrong party. I thought this was the naked-except-for-favorite-desserts bash.”
“Oh, fugedaboutit! That’s next door.”
“Oh, great, thanks!”
What’s the difference between a magician and a line of chorus girls?
One has a cunning array of stunts, and the other has a stunning array of shapely legs.
But it doesn’t rhyme! 
Two came to me last night, of which this is the only one I can recall at the moment:
The first thing you should probably say to her is to ask if you can provide her with any first aid for her two black eyes.
I hope these are in the spirit of the OP.
If you’re a racist good ol’ boy… You might be a redneck.
If you’re a backwoods hillbilly… You might be a redneck.
If you belong to a militia and think about having to someday having to go to war with the government… You might be a redneck.
I couldn’t think of a suitable word that rhymes with legs. 