Sure MannyL, go ahead. I’m glad some people enjoyed it.
Q. Why do hummingbirds hum?
A. The humming noise is a characteristic of the high rate of their wing beats, which can reach 80 times per second.
Q. Why do geese fly south for the winter?
A. Many species of birds migrate in order to find food, which can become scarce in the winter months. When food becomes plentiful again in the spring, they return home.
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He says “Can you put me up for the night?” and presents the innkeeper with an appropriate sum of money.
Q) What does the MPAA give pirate movies?
A) Well, the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise are generally rated PG-13 because Disney wants to be edgy yet not completely drive away the family audience. However, the second most famous pirate franchise of the decade was an adult oriented film so it either recieved an NC-17 or was unrated.
Did you hear about the astronaut who wanted to fly to the Sun? Fortunately, his friends were able to dissuade him from this dangerous notion and were able to refer him to a good psychiatrist.
Two men are peeing from a bridge.
One says" the water sure is cold".
The other says “since the length of my penis is within normal parameters, it is not in contact with the water”.
Q. How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A. On a date arranged by a mutual friend.
Q. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
A. Someone left the waffle iron on and she accidentally touched it.
Q. Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
A. She likes the way they fit.
Q: How many people of an arbitrary racial, religious or political designation does it take to accomplish a routine task?
A: An indefinite number, one or more to attempt the task in question and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with consensually-agreed humorous stereotypes.
A traveling salesman’s car broke down, so he stopped at a nearby farm house and asked for a room for the night. The farmer said, “sure, my beautiful daughter will make up your bed for you.”
She did, went off to her own room, and the salesman had a refreshing night’s sleep.
An unfortunate man was released from prison and got a job at an ice cream parlour. He did pretty well, until the day the delivery truck broke down, which limited the available flavours. Wouldn’t you know it, it was Memorial Day, and people wanted ice cream. One customer in particular stood out.
As soon as she walked in, he saw trouble in the way she carried herself. Maybe it was the muu muu.
“Gimme a chocolate ice cream,” she said.
“I’m sorry, we’re out, the truck broke down. You could have strawberry or vanilla,” he said.
The customer turned upon her heel and bailed. The counterman felt relieved, but not for long, because before an hour was out, she was back.
“Hey, how about a pint of chocolate mint?”
“Sorry,” said the man, “but as I already said, we have no chocolate ice cream of any kind. And because I’ve got a premonition, no, we have no rocky road. That has chocolate in it.”
The customer seems satisfied and leaves.The counter man restocks some shelves and looks forward to the end of his shift.
Sure enough, his tormentor returns: “Hi, I’d like a double dip of Rocky Road,” she said.
Guy looks her in the eye and says: “Get the fuck out of my store”.
…After a few weeks he couldn’t stand it any more, so he had the sergeant bring the camel around. He rode it into the village where he desported himself at whorehouse catering to officers of the Foreign Legion.
“My wife went to the West Indies.”
“Jamaica?”
“No, she felt she needed some time to herself. Maybe it’s for the best - we’ve been in rather a rut recently and I know I haven’t being paying her as much attention as I should, what with the situation at work and trying to arrange decent care for my mothe… oh, I’m sorry, I misunderstood. There you were making polite conversation, and here I am baring my soul to you, hahahaha! No, St Lucia, as a matter of fact. It’s meant to be lovely at this time of year, so I hope she’s happy. Everyone should be happy, don’t you think? It’s just hard at times…I’m sorry, I don’t mean to go on. I’m sure you’ve got your problems, I mean, we all do, don’t we? Best just to get on with it, and cut out all this whining. I can’t expect you to solve my problems, can I? Can I? Please, I’m so lonely. You’re the first person I’ve talked to about any of this. Will you… will you hold me? Please just hold me.”
“Sir, you need to pay for your frozen pizza and leave the shop. Now.”
A priest goes into town to run errands. While there, he’s accosted by a young woman, who, in his limited experience, appears to be a prostitute.
“Hey padre,” she says. “Twenty bucks for a blowjob.”
The priest politely refuses, but he is ill at ease because he’s not exactly sure what the prostitute was proposing. When he returns to the church he asks one of the nuns who teaches at the parish school. “Sister, what’s a blowjob?”
“It’s a slang term for fellatio,” she answers. “Why in heaven’s name do you ask?”
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. She explains that the problem is that her husband thinks he is a cat and will, in fact, eat nothing but cat food.
"The cat food shouldn’t hurt him, but I understand how his behavior troubles you, " the doctor replied, “Please fill out these forms to have him involuntarily committed for the next 72 hours.”
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Many don’t, despite the stereotype. However, in an Alpine pasture for instance, it is often convenient to be able to aurally locate livestock who are out of line of sight.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: I don’t know. Perhaps something frightened it, attracted its attention, or it was foraging for food. In any case, it’s doubtful a chicken recognises a “road” the way we do.
Q: What has an IQ of 144?
A: Many Ph.Ds have an intelligence quotient in this range.
Q: Knock, knock!
A: Why didn’t you use the door knocker instead of resorting to onomatopoeia?
A gorilla goes into a pub and everyone panics, although probably the poor animal was more frightened than anyone else present; admittedly that might have rendered it all the more dangerous, of course.
I went to this rural pub in Scotland and there was this burly guy in a kilt drinking there. He greeted me heartily and pointed out the window. “You see that stone bridge over the brook? I built it with my own hands. That’s why they call me Duncan the Bridgebuilder.”
How does a blonde stop at a blinking red light?
By releasing the gas and then applying the brake at the appropriate distance to stop safely at the proper place. She will then typically look in both directions to verify that it’s her turn and it is safe to move forward into the intersection.
“…Wow! That sounds like it’s gonna be a great party! What should I wear?”
“Oh, that don’t matter, boy. It’s going to be a casual get-together. The other guests and I will probably just be wearing khakis and such.”
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it lost a dominance battle with another male and received wounds which will almost certainly prove fatal.
So this priest was out golfing on Sunday and hit a hole in one. He told lots of people about it later on, without specifying the day of the week on which it occurred.
[omitting long setup]
Then the bishop leaned back, put his feet up on the table, and said, “This diocese is staffed with people who have remarkably filthy mouths and yet are still fine people. Thanks for the fish!”