I just flew in from the coast, and boy are my arms tired. The wheels on my luggage broke and I had to carry two really heavy bags from baggage claim to the car rental lot.
A man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
The doctor does a quick examination and says “I believe you have tendonitis. If rest and non-prescription antiinflamatory drugs aren’t helping, I can inject cortisone into the afflicted area which will be painful at first but probably provide relief in a couple of days.”
A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.
“All right, lets make this quick I have things to do, whats your talent?” asks the agent.
The man says, “It’s not me sir, its my dog – he talks!”
“Yeah, right,” says the agent. “I don’t have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out.”
“No, wait,” says the man. “I’ll prove it.” He turns to the dog and asks, “What do you normally find on top of a house?”
“Roof!” says the dog, wagging his tail.
“Listen, pal…” says the agent.
“Wait,” says the man, “I’ll ask another question.” He turns to the dog again and asks, “How does sandpaper feel?”
“Rough!” exclaims the dog.
“Quit wasting my time and get out of here,” says the agent.
“One more chance,” pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?”
“Ruth!” barked the dog.
“Okay, that’s it!” says the agent, and forces the man and the dog out the door.
The dog looks up at the man and says “Ruff.”
Three guys are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. He picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three guys and says: “I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish.”
Well, the first guy is sick and tired of being on the island, so he wishes to go back home. POOF!!! He disappears. The second one said he, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!!! He too disappears. The genie then turns to the last guy and asks him what his wish is.
“Gee,” he says, “I’m awfully lonely here by myself. I also wish that I was back home now as well.”
Two muffins are in an oven… They both end up being baked to delicious perfection.
A man, hoping to win a local newspaper’s pun contest, submitted 10 different puns. He won first prize.
A mathematician, physicist and engineer are all spending the night at a hotel. A fire breaks out and the three gather together to discuss a plan to put it out. The engineer decides to call 911, while the mathematician grabs a fire extinguisher and begins to fight the fire, and the physicist alerts other guests to evacuate the building. The actions of the three working together resulted in no lives being lost, and a majority of the hotel being saved.
A man walks into a bar with a pig underneath his arm.
“Where did you get that?” asks the barman.
“I won it in a raffle,” replies the man.
What is black and white and red all over?
A newspaper on which a small child has spilled a glass of cherry Koolaid, causing quite a mess.
What is black and white and red all over?
A zebra which has been badly wounded by a predator and is hemorrhaging rather severely, poor thing.
What is black and white and red all over?
A white sheet of paper with outlines of all of the major land masses of the earth traced in black ink, and the territories under the control of the British Empire at its zenith colored in red.
What is black and white and red all over?
I’m sorry, are you asking “red” as in the color, or “read” as in the past tense of “to read?” This is one of those cases where a homophone could lead to a misunderstanding of the meaning of the question, and I want to make sure I understand your intent correctly.
Why did Silly Billy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Unfortunately, our dear little William is of rather markedly diminished mental capacity. From what I could gather from his disjointed and quite hard to understand explanation, he apparently had heard the term “sleeping pills,” and was under the charming impression that it meant “pills that are asleep” instead of referring to the commonly understood sleep aid, and therefore was making every effort not to disturb their slumber. Just last week, he started to giggle and turned red when someone asked if he had seen the salad dressing. Yes, these frequent little misunderstandings are very cute and even mildly humorous now while he is only seven years old, but his mother and I are actually quite apprehensive of what will become of him when he gets older. There are so few programs available, he most likely will have to live with us for the rest of his life. And what will happen to him when his mother and I are no longer able to take care of him, or, god forbid, pass on? Sometimes it is hard to sleep at night, I worry about the future so. That’s why we have the sleeping pills in the cabinet in the first place…some days, i just cannot get to sleep without them. My wife is worried that I may become dependent on them, but my doctor and I have discussed that issue and my occasional usage of those pills, and he feels that I do not need to be too concerned about addiction at this point.
“You can use the barrel any time you want, except for tomorrow.”
“Why, what happens tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow, the prostitute who works in the barrel has the night off.”
Little Billy knocks on the door to the Cooper house, Mrs. Cooper answers the door.
Little Billy: We’re playing baseball, can Jimmy come out and play?
Mrs. Cooper: Now Billy, you know Jimmy has no arms and legs.
Little Billy: I know, but we enjoy his company and thought he might like to get out of the house in his electric wheelchair and watch.
Q. What do you call a woman with only one leg?
A. Generally, you would use her first name, if you have met in the past. If not, it would probably be more appropriate to refer to her more formally as “Ms. {last name}” or if she is married “Mrs. {last name}”.
My dog has no nose!
How does it smell?
Though his nose is missing, his olfactory sense seems to be somewhat intact, miraculously.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Cow who?
Moo.
What did one straight ‘A’ student say to the other?
“It has been a long time since either of us has gotten a ‘C’.”
Two sodium atoms were walking along when one stopped and said, “Oh my God, I’ve lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” asked the other sodium atom. “Yes,” replied the first sodium atom, “I’m sure!”
A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” it says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. The bartender replies, “For you? On the house.”
Heisenberg is driving down the freeway when he’s pulled over for speeding. The cop asks “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “Nope, I’m afraid I wasn’t paying attention to the speedometer. Sorry.”
How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why does the new [ethnic] Navy have glass-bottomed boats?
They don’t. You have been misinformed.
“Waiter, do you serve crabs here?”
“Of course, sir. This is a seafood restaurant.”
I read this in Gilbert Godfrey’s voice and laughed my ass off. May I have your permission to re-post this on my Facebook page?
Yo Momma’s so nice, she waves every time I go by your house and last time we were at your house she brought out lemonade for everyone while we were playing.
That’s what she said (in a completely chaste, platonic and appropriate way when she herself was in a stunningly similar almost deja-vu-like situation to that which we’re currently experiencing now)
Actually…
I was glad I was away from people when I read this as I hooted out loud at what you wrote. That was really funny stuff.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Set up a rabbit trap baited with alfalfa hay.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Go to the pet store.
Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: The Yemen national flag.
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He checks in with the receptionist and presents his insurance. He then takes a seat in the waiting room and reads a magazine until his name is called. The doctor examines him and tells him to come back in six months. The man makes an appointment, then he leaves.
A homeless man approached me and said he hadn’t had a bite in days. I pretended not to hear him and went on with my business.
Q: What do you say when you see a legless hitch hiker?
A: I’d give you a ride but I’m afraid that you may have confederates hiding nearby, laying in wait to rob me. Furthermore, my car cannot accommodate your wheelchair. If you are as you appear, I do appreciate the sacrifice you made in Iraq.
Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a really nice swingset?
A: It came with the house.
A guy goes into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. He was a felon attempting to feign insanity in hopes of a lighter sentence.