Q: Why did Michael Jackson like twenty-six year olds?
A: They fit within the demographic of fans of his music, especially in certain countries in Asia and Europe.
Two nuns are bicycling down the street. One says to the other, “You know, I’ve never come this way before!”
The other nun replies, “Yeah, it’s a shortcut I just discovered last week.”
Q: Why did the guy put two aspirins in a condom?
A: "Cuse gosh darn it, he had a headache.
How do you keep an idiot in suspence?
You set up a joke and then make him or her wait an unusually long time for the punchline.
“It’s been a long and hard journey to come here.”
“Someone else was here yesterday. She expressed similar sentiments about the journey.”
A guy says to a pirate, “Hey, did you notice that you have a steering wheel shoved down the front of your pants?”
The pirate replied, “Arrrgh, it’s really uncomfortable!”
How does a hillbilly mom know when her daughter is having her period?
Generally through private conversations, but even without those, a mother can tell.
A guy goes on a trip out of state, and his brother is home watching their mother’s house.
The guy on the trip calls home. “How are things?” he asks.
His brother says, “well, not so good. The cat died- no, no, first things first. Sit down. <pause> Mom’s dead.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive well?
She was both blind and deaf.
Q) Why are murder mysteries in the south never solved?
A) Southern murderers are clever enough to cover their tracks.
Two buddies were hunting and one of them fell down a cliff and went splat. His friend called 911 and they said “okay, we can help. First, make sure he’s dead.” So the guy walks over to his friend with his brains splattered all over the place and gamely checks for a pulse.
When is a door not a door?
Never, by definition.
Rene DesCartes was at a party. The host asked him if he’d like a drink.
“I think not,” he replied. “I’ll just mingle for a while first.”
OK. Listen closely. There’s a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They’re out playing golf. They’re deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says “We’ll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we’ll give to charity.” The minister says “No, we’ll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that’s what we’ll give to charity.” The rabbi says, “This is a decision we should each make based on our own personal convictions and respective incomes.”
Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
A: That’s just how it felt best to her.
What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast?
That would depend on many factors including the culture in which he lives, his personal tastes, and even whether it was a work day or a day off. In the US, for example, during the week he might breakfast on coffee and toast, whereas a Sunday breakfast could be considerably more elaborate.
Your mama’s so fat… that it is negatively affecting her health, putting her at risk for diabetes and heart disease, among other things.
“Why are you so dressed up?”
“Well, you’re a good friend, so I’ll tell you - I just found out from the doctor I’m impotent. So I’m trying to cheer myself up by buying new clothes.”
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He lacked the musculature, nervous system, and brain necessary to move.
A man walks into a confessional booth. The priest recognizes by his voice that he’s a man from the neighborhood who’s actually Jewish. The man says “forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had sex nine times with my wife last weekend!”
The priest says “you may feel guilty about your incontinental behavior, but God does not consider this a sin as it’s used for the purposes of procreation within the institution of marriage.”
What do you call two gay guys named Bob?
Normally, you call them both Bob and everybody relies on contextual clues to understand to which one you are speaking. If there is confusion, you specify last name.