Murphy’s Law for Lonely Working People, addendum: No reason for absence from work ever trumps “My spouse/kid/SO was sick.” Any complaint about having to work until midnight or on the weekend will be met with “Well, you don’t have a spouse/kids to come home to.”
Murphy’s Law of Internet Dating for Lonely People (the e-harmony version): The interesting people you “initiate communication” with will either (1) not respond because actually they’re married and just signed up to “try out the free personality test,” (2) stop writing you at Step 2 because they didn’t like your list of Likes/Don’t Likes, (3) get cold feet at the “Open Communication” stage, or (4) if you do actually have a promising Open Communication with someone, they will neglect to send you their e-mail address before their subscription expires, leaving you with nowhere to write.
Finagle’s Extension About Being the Good Friend: The sexy MOTPS will repeatedly cry on your shoulder about how abusive their SO is to them. Once they break up with the SO, recover, and you make your move, they will promptly get back together with the abusive SO.
The person who feels alone, disregarded, depressed, and without a confidant, will eventually revert to the single universal standby for emotional salvation - his or her mother. Of course, in this, the lonely person’s hour of need, the inevitable words are spoken from parent to child:
“So, why haven’t you found anyone yet?”
…so proving yet another universal social law - that no matter what the situation is, family can always make it worse.
** Flurgle’s Marital Status Conundrum for Lonely Men: ** Whatever your marital status is, it will be held against you. If you’re 40 and have never been married, something’s wrong with you. If you’re 40 and divorced, obviously you have too much baggage in the form of an ex-spouse, kids, alimony, emotional scars, etc. to be considered for an intimate relationship. If you’re widowed, the memory of your deceased spouse would haunt a new relationship. If you’re married – * Hey! You’re married, for cryin’ out loud!!! *
** Sneed’s Sexual History Conundrum for Lonely Women: ** Whatever your sexual history is, it will be held against. If you’re a virgin at any age over 18, you are a neurotic prude and best avoided. If you have any sexual experience at all, you’re a floozie who will never, ever be introduced to his parents.
I don’t feel quite so lonely now. Kallessa’s Lonely Doper Law: If you post about loneliness on the SDMB, you’ll find lots of other lonely people, but none of them will live anywhere near you.
Kallessa’s Corollary to the Lonely Doper Law: If a Lonely Doper does live anywhere near you, he or she will be too shy/socially inept to make direct dontact with you.
Kallessa’s Conundrum for Lonely Doper’s: Any Lonely Doper that does overcome his or her shyness/social ineptitute to contact you, shares none of your interests.
The only people interested in shy and sweet are those old enough to be your father, wearing pink bowling shirts and a wedding ring, who claim to own antiques stores, but are quite obviously drunk. The awkwardness of these situations only increase when questions concerning Rush Limbaugh are asked.
sunfish’s Alternative: You tell a friend that you’re dying to go see a blockbluster, and they tell you they just went last weekend with a bunch of other people.
Where is that damn fly on the wall…?
Murphy’s Law for the Lonely and Financially Challenged: Everyone will be ready to go out the week you barely have enough for basic groceries, but no one will be available if you can spare the cash for a modest night out.
Cardinal Rule of the Friends-Like-This School of Encouragement: Happily occupied friends will try to cheer you up about your prospects but make you sound like you’re [sub]thisclose[/sub] to being a lost cause. “Oh hon, there’s someone for everyone. After all, if that guy in Germany could find someone to kill him and eat him the way he wanted, you can surely find someone too.”
Coffeecam’s Corrolary to FEABtGF: If you attempt to cease being the Good Friend for any length of time, the sexy MOTPS will be single a few hours later and be dating again before you call to see whats up.
Wiffle’s addendum to Murphy’s Fifth Law for Lonely People: Everyone will be sure and tell you about how great the big get-together was three days after it happens with many “you should have seens” and you should have been theres" and maybe even (if we’re feeling really lucky) an “I should have invited you”. And there will never be a bat around to properly explain the concept of invitations.
Murphy’s Law for the Lonely Professional Student: Any MOTPS who is a)cute b)funny c)likes you d)going to be a lawyer/doctor is e)married to someone who isn’t dumb enough to mess it up.
Keller’s Loneliness Evasion Paradox: A lonely person who actively tries to avoid being lonely is seen as “desperate,” and is therefore a pariah to non-lonely people. A lonely person who does not actively try to avoid being lonely is seen as “a loner” and is therefore a pariah to non-lonely people.
The Lonely Lumping: Any attempt by a friend to set you up with the lonely friend of their SO will result in awkward silences, since the only thing the two of you will have in common is your lonliness. “You’ll like him/her, s/he’s my SO’s friend and s/he also doesn’t have a boy/girlfriend.”
Morri’s Rule of Loneliness:
You may genuinely want a nice guy, but all the nice guys are ugly and socially inept, and frankly, nice in name only. All the other ones are already married or gay… mostly gay.
Morri’s Second Rule of Loneliness
Forget it, whoever it is you’re looking at… he’s gay too.
Murphy’s Law for Recluses: You have finally accepted being alone and now you WANT to be alone. This is the perfect time for everybody to suddenly want to be your friend.
End of the School Year Law: People who never even talked to you will come up and say, “I loved having you in my class!”
Murphy’s Law for Lonely Geeks: Whatever bit of geekiness you subscribe to will be looked down upon by other geeks in your area. Attempts to engage in activities with geeks online will result in schedule conflicts.
When you find someone who likes Tom Waits as much as you do, it’s for a good reason- you’re both anti-social, painfully awkward alcoholics with too many relationships that have blown up leaving the shards embedded in your faces.
