I think this is as worthy of a pit ranting as any. I am a walking example of the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” guy today. Ya know, one of those days where everything goes wrong.
Let me start by recapping the last few days. On Saturday, I found out that a really good friend committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. I was in the process of trying to deal with that and finally, last night, I was starting to find a little peace and not dwell on it so much. I hoped the next day might even be a better.
Then today hit. I awoke to a phone call that my grandfather died. I loved him and he was a good man. His passing, while not totally unexpected, due to health problems, was still something that caused me a great deal of pain today. In the process of trying to run my business today, I was sort of on auto-pilot as I remembered grandpa, but I knew I would be ok. Death is a part of life, the natural order of things, blah blah blah.
When I shared this news with the person that I have been romantically involved with for the last year, he was very sympathetic. Through the course of our conversation, and trying to talk about other things to get my mind off my morning, I realized that something just wasn’t right with the conversation. I felt that my companion had something on his mind. He was being very secretive and vague about things he had been doing lately.
Our conversation was momentarily interrupted. I told him to call me back. When I didn’t hear from him, I called him on my cell phone and found that he had been trying to call my office line but it was disconnected. I called the phone company to find that a check I had paid them weeks ago had bounced. It turns out that my partner has pulled some money out of the account without telling me. There isn’t enough to cover the bill and the deposit to get them back on until some checks come in. Being in business without phones isn’t a good thing. I have yet to get a call back from him to see if he has any ideas as to how we are going to resolve this. Our business is slow right now due to the economy and we can’t afford to miss a phone call. Ok, some added pressure to make things interesting.
Now, back to my companion. He asks me to come pick him up. (He lives about 45 minutes away) and I say ok because I can tell something is up. Then he calls back and says “Don’t come. I don’t want you driving all of the way down here. I was a little upset earlier but I’m ok now.” He won’t tell me why he was upset though. He says he doesn’t feel good and is going to rest but will call me later. About an hour later, he calls and says the magic words “We have to have a talk”. I then proceed to get the whole speech about how he would rather that we just be friends for a while because he isn’t sure he feels right about things as they are. This turns into the stereotypical 4 hour phone call. He tells me how great of a guy I am and how much he wants me in his life, but just as friends.
And I don’t know how to fucking do that. I don’t know how to sit next to him and not want to snuggle. I don’t know how to ride in the car without holding his hand. Things seemed really good and then blam, right on the day that I needed to hear this the least. And yet, I don’t want to lose his presence in my life. I do value the friendship aspects of our relationship. And yet, can a relationship be sacrificed to make a friendship work. Is that even possible? I know I should probably move on and go my seperate way. But he is so special to me and I can’t imagine life without having him in my life in some regard.
And now I sit, trying to make myself tired. I’m having a bit of a problem sleeping as today’s events just keep swirling in my head. I thought that it might be thereputic to start a nice old fashioned pit thread about how much it fucking sucks to be dumped. I hope you have enjoyed reading about the soap opera that is musicguy’s life right now.
Anyone have any fucking answers? 
Get some sleep and hope tomorrow is better.