musicguy gets dumped (and other assorted ramblings) long and pointless...

I think this is as worthy of a pit ranting as any. I am a walking example of the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” guy today. Ya know, one of those days where everything goes wrong.

Let me start by recapping the last few days. On Saturday, I found out that a really good friend committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. I was in the process of trying to deal with that and finally, last night, I was starting to find a little peace and not dwell on it so much. I hoped the next day might even be a better.

Then today hit. I awoke to a phone call that my grandfather died. I loved him and he was a good man. His passing, while not totally unexpected, due to health problems, was still something that caused me a great deal of pain today. In the process of trying to run my business today, I was sort of on auto-pilot as I remembered grandpa, but I knew I would be ok. Death is a part of life, the natural order of things, blah blah blah.

When I shared this news with the person that I have been romantically involved with for the last year, he was very sympathetic. Through the course of our conversation, and trying to talk about other things to get my mind off my morning, I realized that something just wasn’t right with the conversation. I felt that my companion had something on his mind. He was being very secretive and vague about things he had been doing lately.

Our conversation was momentarily interrupted. I told him to call me back. When I didn’t hear from him, I called him on my cell phone and found that he had been trying to call my office line but it was disconnected. I called the phone company to find that a check I had paid them weeks ago had bounced. It turns out that my partner has pulled some money out of the account without telling me. There isn’t enough to cover the bill and the deposit to get them back on until some checks come in. Being in business without phones isn’t a good thing. I have yet to get a call back from him to see if he has any ideas as to how we are going to resolve this. Our business is slow right now due to the economy and we can’t afford to miss a phone call. Ok, some added pressure to make things interesting.

Now, back to my companion. He asks me to come pick him up. (He lives about 45 minutes away) and I say ok because I can tell something is up. Then he calls back and says “Don’t come. I don’t want you driving all of the way down here. I was a little upset earlier but I’m ok now.” He won’t tell me why he was upset though. He says he doesn’t feel good and is going to rest but will call me later. About an hour later, he calls and says the magic words “We have to have a talk”. I then proceed to get the whole speech about how he would rather that we just be friends for a while because he isn’t sure he feels right about things as they are. This turns into the stereotypical 4 hour phone call. He tells me how great of a guy I am and how much he wants me in his life, but just as friends.

And I don’t know how to fucking do that. I don’t know how to sit next to him and not want to snuggle. I don’t know how to ride in the car without holding his hand. Things seemed really good and then blam, right on the day that I needed to hear this the least. And yet, I don’t want to lose his presence in my life. I do value the friendship aspects of our relationship. And yet, can a relationship be sacrificed to make a friendship work. Is that even possible? I know I should probably move on and go my seperate way. But he is so special to me and I can’t imagine life without having him in my life in some regard.

And now I sit, trying to make myself tired. I’m having a bit of a problem sleeping as today’s events just keep swirling in my head. I thought that it might be thereputic to start a nice old fashioned pit thread about how much it fucking sucks to be dumped. I hope you have enjoyed reading about the soap opera that is musicguy’s life right now.

Anyone have any fucking answers? :slight_smile:

No answers that don’t involve alot of behaviors that would just make things worse, and probably land you in jail.

Sorry man. :frowning: Get some sleep and hope tomorrow is better.

Aww, hun, you are in a tough place. As I sit at the keyboard tonite, I, as many others, have the swirl of life pressing down.

Know that it can get better… That it will.

Life partners come, and they go … I’ve been married twice, and am fixing to head down the aisle a third time. :wink:

I’m trying to think of things to tell you but to be honest my head is a whirlwind. Mostly I’d like to say: sometimes break-up isnt’ about you.

And I’m sorry for your pain. And hurt.


No answers here, either. I just know that it’ll get better, given time.

I’m really very sorry you’re having to go through all this. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Seriously.

Your (ex-)boyfriend is a dick. Yeah, okay, I can understand wanting to break up with someone. But to dump someone the day their grandfather dies? Asshole. Break up with him next week (a 7-day pause on your love life isn’t gonna kill you), but help him through his emotions right now if he means anything at all to you.

Sorry, no real answers, just a little bit of time and treating yourself well.

Sorry your life is sucking, find a good buddy who can give you moral support and a couple of good hugs and do that. Vent, complain, cry, whine, get it all out of your system and start moving on with life.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your kind thoughts more than you know.

I got a few hours of sleep last night, although it doesn’t feel like it today. I just talked to my ex for a bit and it seems the more I talk to him the more confused I get. He wants us to get together tonight and talk for a while. By the time we talk tonight, I hope to have come to a decision as to whether I want to let us continue to talk and hope for a reconciliation, or if I am going to tell him goodbye and that I don’t want him to be a part of my life anymore. I hope I make the right choice when the time comes. I keep thinking that whatever the right thing is to do, I will know it at the time.

I’m generally very good at keeping rational when problems arise in life. I don’t let many things get me down. But when it all hits at once, I don’t know where to begin to devote the little energy I have right now. The logical choice is on my business, bacause if I don’t take steps to fix that, I don’t have any income. But the emotional side takes over and I realize that the most important thing in my life, the thing that has kept me sane and happy for the last year, is disintigrating. When I was with him, I felt that there was nothing that I couldn’t handle in this world because, no matter what, he would be there to offer support and encouragement. Just that hug at the end of the day and the reminder that everything would be ok. Now, I feel alone to deal with all of this. I guess I just didn’t expect to be alone again.

I have to agree with JerH on this one. It doesn’t matter how crappy you feel a relationship is going. You do not break up with someone on a day like that. If you care about them at all, you have to suck it up for a few days and let the immediate grieving phase pass.

Sorry for your losses. Things will get better eventually.

Aww, hon, I’m sorry. To be honest, your ex sounds like my best guy friend’s ex-boyfriend and you are certainly better off without him. He has dicked my friend around for months (not in a good way), and every time he makes one of his “I still love you, but I can’t be with you” phone calls to said friend, it fucks him up for weeks and I’m sick of it. Please don’t let that happen to you - let him be over if that’s what he wants. If you can’t be friends, don’t let him convince you that it’s possible to see one another without romantic feelings getting in the way.

I do hope things improve for you.


musicguy, I know it’s going to sound hollow now, but if he’s going to do that to you, you’re a lot better off without him.

My sincere condolences on the passing of your grandfather. Take care, musicguy.

I’m sorry for your recent losses, musicguy. Do what you need to get through this rough patch – lean on friends and family for support, eat fatty treats, watch sad movies and cry, write bad poetry about the ex-boyfriend in which you think up creative rhymes for dumbass and dickhead.

As for being friends with your ex-boyfriend, don’t do it, at least not right now. You feel like you should put your hurt aside in order to make a friendship work because you value what you had. That won’t be a friendship, though – that’ll be a shadow of your former relationship that your ex-boyfriend is maintaining out of guilt. A friendship can’t work until you are truly past the hurt and anger at him ending the relationship, which you both work at it equally because you like each other and want to hang out.

Yeah, I thought his timing sucked as well. He did offer an explanation of why though, and it seemed sincere. He said that he just felt that he couldn’t let me go on thinking that everything was fine. And because we were originally planning on spending the rest of the week together, he said his options were to either pretend that he felt something that he didn’t, or be honest with me now. He said he felt that there wasn’t really going to ever be a “good” time to do this, but he felt he needed to tell me as soon as possible, because that was the only way he could be honest with me.

And in a way, I wouldn’t have wanted him to lie. I don’t want someone to pretend to feel something that they don’t. Honestly is something that is very important to me and he knows how I feel about it. So I see where he was coming from and I don’t feel that it was that he was trying to hurt me or trying to make my life worse. I think he just got to the point that he couldn’t go on without me knowing how he really felt.

It doesn’t make it suck any less. But I don’t think that callousness was the motivation. I think that, wrong or right, he felt he was doing the right thing.

I think I am going to spend a great deal of time over the next day or two talking to him in person and trying to see what he really wants. I love him enough to let him go if that is whats best. But I also want to hash everything out. I want as few unanswered questions as possible. I want to bring some closure here. Thats the only way I can truly move on.

I’m really, really sorry to hear about your friend and your grandfather. It’s hard to lose someone you love, whether you’re expecting it or not.

And breakups are hard no matter what, and I’m sorry to hear you have to go through one. But you know what? I think I agree with JerH. First off, there’s the breaking up the day you find out you’ve lost your grandfather, and shortly after losing a friend. Then there’s the “let’s be friends” thing. I know there are people who actually manage to do that, but I’ve never been able to swing it, for just the reasons you’ve stated. How do you suddenly cut off one part of a relationship? It’s like cutting off your leg, and trying to walk around that way. IMHO, when you break up, you need to get away from that person, at least for awhile, so your wounds can heal and you can get a fresh start, a new set of habits. Hanging around this guy is only going to keep you hurting longer than you have to.

Maybe he’s a really wonderful guy, and his courage failed him when it came time to break up, or to deal with your grief while he knew he wanted out. But it’s still damaging to you, and I think you need to cut it off completely and get away from him.

Things will get better for you eventually. Hang in there.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest and requires the most courage. The more I read what you all are posting, the more it scares me because I know this is going to get more difficult before it gets better, especially when I have to finally say “Goodbye, I can’t have you in my life right now”. That is going to really hurt someone that I care deeply about. And that is a very hard thing for me to do, even if it is in my own best interest. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, even though his actions are hurting me. But you are correct. Not allowing myself to heal and move forward is just going to prolong this hurt. I could conceivable do that for a little while but in the end, the result will probably just be the same.

No offense, but I think it will probably hurt him a lot less than you think. He is after all dumping you. This “let’s stay close” is a way for him to feel better about it and is often an empty promise.

My first reaction was the same as JerH’s, but thinking about it, maybe this way was the best. Get all the greiving over with at once, instead of dragging it out over a month of constant bad news. Like ripping a band-aid off in one quick jerk. Still, you should feel absolutely no guilt about not staying friends with your ex-. He decided he wasn’t interested in you romantically, you’ve got just as much right to decide you’re not interested in him platonically. And if you still love the guy, spending time around him is just going to make it harder to get over him.

Best of luck, musicguy. Hope things get better for you soon.

You know, I really can’t put into words how much all of your posts are appreciated. This is a very difficult time in my life and yet I can’t help but be warmed by the feeling of community and support. I think that is one of the things that really really makes this a special place. You are all a bright spot in an otherwise bleak period.

I look forward to a time where I can get past all of this hurt. I know it will be here soon enough and I know that I am going to become a stronger person because of all of this. I know these things but it sure helps to hear others remind me of this. I hope, if given the opportunity, I can provide some support and comfort to someone else on this board, in the way that you are all comforting and supporting me.

Again, I thank all of you for your input and advice.

I couldn’t agree more. I’ve never been able to stay friends with my X’s. I had one relationship that was constantly on and off again, because it just wasn’t possible to keep it platonic. The off again on again shctick lasted for 7 years. When we were freinds and neither of us were seeing anyone else, we’d get lonely and end up together. When one of us was seeing someone else, the other would end up getting jealous. We both knew we would never last as a couple, no matter how hard we tried, but we just couldn’t seem to stay away from eachother. Like you said, musicguy, being in a car and not holding hands, little things like that which have become so second nature, are hard to just stop doing.

I finally had to just cut it off. No relationship and no friendship. It sucks to have him out of my life, because he really was my best friend. I still miss him terribly at times. But it’s best for both of us this way because now we can both find healthy relationships that are better for us.

The point of this rather rambling post is to urge you not to fall into the “friend” trap. If you were in love with him and like you said, can’t imagine severing a part of the relationship, then most likely you won’t be able to. It hurts like hell to walk away from a part of your life that you cherish, especially when the option exists to keep it (even though you know deep down it wouldn’t work). Unfortunately, sometimes it’s necessary.

I’m so sorry for everything that’s happening to you. I know it’s an overused cliche, but time really does heal all wounds. But if the source of the wound lingers, it’ll never heal.

That’s quite a bit to deal with, to say the least, especially during what’s typically the most stressful time of the year. I’m sorry for your losses and I hope things get better for you soon.