Hey, dealing with a teenager can be a nightmare. Let’s hope this is as bad as it gets!
Seconded. If forgetting Father’s Day was the worst thing my kids did as teenagers I think I’d have a lot more of my hair left.
Never mind the teenager angle (male or female), it may be that you’ve not pinned down his love language(s). It’s an actual thing.
Making a big deal out of it is a problem.
“And we spoke to him about it and about how hurt we were but he just sat and listened and never offered an apology or anything.”
“Anyway, I’m thinking this evening that we need to find out from him why he would do such a thing.”
The wording of this is odd, as though you’ve assessed it as purposely hurtful. Expecting a teenager to articulate passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t seem like the best idea ever.
In lieu of a few books on human psychology, you might just want to read a lot of Carolyn Hax columns and chats. 
16 yr old boy forget mothers day, now there is a news flash for you.
This falls right in the normal category to me.
Please understand that it was not at all “normal” for him. But I understand from the posts here that it is normal in the bigger picture.
BTW, please accept that we generally speak up about our feelings in our family. I acknowledge that many other families do not.
Maybe he’s developing feelings and ways of dealing with them that differ from yours in this area. “Our feelings” may work when the kids are young, but he may be reaching a point where “his feelings” are developing.
That said, I really feel for you. My kids were fantastic pre and post the teen years, but I had to keep reminding myself that things would get better at one stage. They did.
MOD?
Could I get this thread closed? (I searched ATMB and didn’t see another way to request it.)
I am happy with the wealth of responses I have gotten, and do not foresee getting novel input past this point. Conversely, negative input lurks, IMO. Thank you.
p.s. Thanks, Kayaker for your post. I am not requesting this because of it; the post order just fell that way.
Maybe you do; maybe your partner does. A 16 year old boy - perhaps not.
Maybe he feels like he is missing a male role model. And maybe that’s something he doesn’t think he can say to you or your partner.
Regards,
Shodan
Sigh.
I sure hope Mods do close threads upon request.
fyi, I “reported” your request. I mod another board, and if you want the mods to know what’s going on in a particular thread, I know that it’s helpful to report it (using the little red triangle above and to the right of each post.) Maybe you did that, but since you didn’t say so, I went ahead and did it.
Before it’s closed, wishing you both a belated happy Mother’s Day.
Ah! Thank you. I never thought of that little triangle because I’ve never been moved to report a post here. I appreciate your action on my behalf.
Thanks, KanicBird! That would be an excellent note to end on.
Before you run off, I just wanted to say that my teenage daughter did the same thing when she was 14 & 15. We are, and were then, very close, but those years she very passive-aggressively didn’t celebrate mother’s day.
Now, unlike you, I have the luxury of having a child who can’t hide her feelings very well, and I was very aware that she was internally comparing me to her best friend’s mom - and I was definitely coming up short in her mind. (The other mom was much cooler than me.) Fortunately for us, I had the good sense not to challenge her on this, even though I was very hurt. We’ve since gotten to a point where she is able to enjoy other parents without comparing me to them negatively, or at least has come to accept who she’s stuck with having as a mom.
So, I would say if you can tell there is something going on with him, then you’re very likely right. But it might be something it would be best for you to ignore and just keep loving him and let him find peace with on his own.
Daft question - what’s his allowance like? Because at 16 the few quid it would cost me to buy a card would have been a big deal. Maybe he’d spent all his money and couldn’t afford one?
Thats an extremely weaksauce excuse since I’m pretty sure the kid has crayons and a piece of paper. Plus most moms would love to be brought breakfast or even just a cup of coffee just as much as anything that costs money. Any gesture of acknowledgement.
Then again you can’t discount the power of the weaksauce excuse over a teenagers mind.
Talking about “passive aggressive” behavior… :rolleyes:
Especially since it’s now too late for him to do anything about it for another year. If you go/went ahead with this, congrats on making even more unpleasant associations with the holiday.
And if the kid really is as thoughtful/kind/and nearly practically-perfect-in-every-way teenage boy, and his only major ‘failing’ is forgetting a fairly lame holiday, then the one with the issues is you, not him.
Generally I can’t stand manufactured holidays. But I was really freaking hurt when my husband did absolutely nothing for me for my very first goddamned Mothers’ Day yesterday. I am evidently “hard to shop for”. So he just, you know, gave up. I’d have been thrilled with a meal, or a weeded flower bed, or anything, but he did nothing.
Now, I think maybe the whole “hard to shop for gave up” thing is actually “my depression and anxiety paralyzed me and I hoped it wouldn’t be a big deal for you”. So I feel like a total asshole for being upset and crying at him. Because he’s a good husband and a good dad. But I’d already found something to get for him for Father’s Day, you know? And good lord, I had a baby cut out of me early in a surprise kind of emergency deal under general anesthesia, which is a whole other ball game than the epidural kind. I had to pump for what felt like an eternity because my son couldn’t breastfeed effectively, and you don’t really understand “the dark night of the soul” until you’ve been an exclusive pumper. I felt like an utter failure when I gave up pumping after a few months. Anything that’s researched about this baby is researched by me. I find his clothes for him, between Goodwill and the consignment shops. The cloth diapering thing, figured out by me - my husband probably has no idea where I even buy them. I do the grocery shopping, the meal planning, the cooking, the amateur-dieticianing. I make our own goddamned baby food. Needed a new car seat? I did all the work figuring it out. Toilet broke? Guess who fixes it. I had been all trying to figure out how to fix the lawnmower until somebody didn’t get me a goddamned thing for Mothers’ Day and now that is his fucking problem.
But. My husband changed every diaper until the third day in the hospital when he was gone to feed the animals and I had to do it, barely able to sit up (and the nurse was all bitchy and “you’ll have to learn sometime”, as if this was the last diaper leaving town.) He gives the baby all his baths. He loves that little guy so much harder than I do, in such a clear and visible way. He’s a sweet and considerate partner, he was an absolute rock when my dad had a stroke and then died, and he never complains although I surely give him a lot to complain about.
And really, how much of what he doesn’t do is because I gatekeeper it? Because I don’t like to give up control, although I don’t really notice that? Because I flat out don’t ask him and he doesn’t notice that I do it?
So, I know I just ran on a bunch because I am still very hurt and that a lot of that isn’t relevant to your particular situation, but I think it’s worth saying that a) yes it is a bullshit holiday but b) it is okay and appropriate to still be hurt when you get snubbed for it because c) people do show you their feelings all year round but it’s still okay to expect something a little special when the calendar rolls around. Even from a teenaged boy. But you might have to do some prodding and understanding.
As a data point: this year my wife (look at me, bringing up my sexuality in a thread–watch out for the attacks on us breeders) told me what to get her for Mother’s Day: she wanted me to be around all day, mow both yards, make her blueberry pancakes with sausage for breakfast, and arrange a picnic lunch for all of us plus her own mom. I did it all to satisfaction, along with a card. No surprises for her, and honestly I appreciated the clear requests, because I get nervous about surprise gifts in case they’re not what the giftee wanted.
I know some folks think that surprise and creativity are part of how a gift-giver shows he or she cares. But that’s not always true: some people like me are not great at coming up with creative gifts, but are perfectly happy to do extra things for those they love.