It was yesterday when she told me that she was bisexual. She also told me that she had feelings for me. She was hesitant, and I was so shocked by the fact that someone would like me, gay, straight, or bisexual that I’m afraid she didn’t see exactly how I felt.
I want to make it clear that I’ll always love her and support her no matter who she is, but I also would like to know how, as a straight girl, I can tell her that I’m not interested in girls?
I don’t want to make her feel like she is not loved (which she definitely is by me), but I want her to know that the love I feel for her is purely on a sorority level.
Help from gay/bisexual dopers especially wanted, please.
Obviously, no one likes being turned down, no matter what the circumstances. Just be 100% sure to let her know how honored you are that she trusted you enough to tell you the truth. As far as letting her down easy – well, there is no way of doing that. Just make sure she knows that you’re not freaked out, just not interested in “that way.”
She’s lucky she picked as intelligent and sensitive person as you to fall for, even if her desires are bound to go unfulfilled.
Every place above where you say “she” or “her,” replace it with you. And end with a period instead of a question mark.
And I’m not being snarky. What you have there is already just about as perfect a sentiment as you can have for this sort of situation. She’ll be disappointed that you don’t want to be her girlfriend, but odds are, she’ll be relieved just to still have you as a friend.
Just say so. It was a gutsy move for her to admit a crush that (if she’s your best friend and knows you) she know can’t possibly go anywhere.
So just say that you think she’s awesome and you’re totally her best friend.
Unrequited love sucks no matter what. Whenever you fall for someone unavailable, it just sucks. Doesn’t matter if you’re straight and fall for someone who is married. Or you’re gay and fall for someone straight, or straight and fall for someone gay… Either way, you just have to learn to deal with it. That’s life. Sometimes you fall for someone who will just never feel the same way.
So all you need to do is tell her that as a straight girl… you’re not interested in girls. That’s it. She’ll come to terms with it. She has to. Everyone does.
I had one of my best male friends (straight) say he was interested in me, but the dude is like a little brother to me. Ew. He was disappointed but got over it. As a bi girl myself, I must confess that yeah, I’ve had crushes on women I knew were straight. But never said boo about it because I new it wouldn’t ever go anywhere. I also was once head over heels in love with a guy who could never possibly love me back because he just “never saw me that way” – it happens you just deal with it.
Just let her know everything is okay. Romance will never happen, but your friendship will go on. She may be disappointed and a little hurt, for a bit – just growing pains. She’ll get over it. She’s your best friend.
The same thing happened to my stepdaughter, although she wasn’t as close to this friend. She handled it much the same way she did when a male friend of hers that she was close to but not romantically involved with wanted to be more than friends.
She was honest about not feeling romantic love for either of them but did it as gently as possible and made sure they understood she still valued their friendship.
Even so, the friendships weren’t the same after that, and they’ve grown apart. But that’s the risk someone takes in telling a close platonic friend that they’d like it to be more. Just about everyone has had that experience from one side or the other.
Your friend felt something for you and hoped to take the relationship further. She had two choices: Continue things as they are and be content with you as a close friend and nothing more, or tell you how she felt and risk losing your friendship.
Even if she suspected that you wouldn’t return her feelings of romantic love, this was probably the right step for her, otherwise she would continue to live with false hope they you felt the same for her.
I won’t guarentee you can keep her as a friend, but you both can try.
Your girlfriend worked up the courage and took a shot.
Tell her thanks for the compliment, and if you were Gay you couldn’t imagine a better person…but it ain’t gonna happen.
Then go have lunch and go shopping or do whatever you normally do together. Let her know this is not a make or break deal in your friendship.
People get shot down every day…geez, just go to any bar on earth to watch that happen. Sure, it kind of sucks when it is someone you like, but if she had been a he, and a study partner or something, you would be in the same boat. Just be honest and move on.
It will, however, be up to you to call her and invite her to the next movie or party or whatever. Until then, she will feel weird about it. Your job is to move on with grace.
“I’m really glad you felt you could trust me with this. I’m not attracted to women, but I don’t want that - or anything else - to change our friendship.”
Insert appropriate bonding session [here].
Oh, and just because it’s something someone ought to mention, I’d be careful gauging how comfortable your friend is with you joking - however innocently you mean it - about her attraction to you/other women. Remarks you mean to show that you’re comfortable with who she is are remarks that might alternately get under her skin really quickly. It’s also possible that cruising the mall for individuals of your general age group is something she’ll enjoy doing and something that will solidify to her that you’re comfortable with her being attracted to you, and that saying something like “Okay … would you do her? How 'bout her?” etc. will, rather than getting under her skin, show that you support her.
Suppose it had been a guy friend – one you care for and love, but not remotely romantically?
The same sort of reaction is called for here, I think.
Or to put another twist on it… suppose you harbored a crush on a guy, and finally worked up the courage to tell him. If he cared for you, but not romantically, how would you want him to respond?
Reactions vary, so sometiems the friendshipa are never the same, other times they may actually get less “odd.”
I had a male housemate, who one evening after a party, I (was the sober dedicated driver he was not sober). He confessed that he was interested in me romantically and asked if “…uh… maybe we could go on a date sometime?.. Like a real date as more than friends.” I simply said “oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea Todd. I don’t have feelings for you that way and since we live together it could complicate things.”
Our relatiuonship actually improved. I think he’d been stiffling the urge to ask me out for a long time. The ‘maybe… I wonder if’ was driving him nuts. Knowing one way or the other made him relax. Sure he was shot down, but he wasn’t left dangling and wondering.