I’d say mind your own business. People make bad health choices all the time, and at least being overweight is not going to inspire him to steal from you or destroy his family like a drug addiction would. Needling him about specifics (like soda) probably won’t help, as you run the risk of making him defensive or increasing the cycle of despair and the resulting out of control behavior.
But who knows, maybe he could genuinely benefit from a wake-up call. We’ve all read narratives where someone says “I hadn’t realized I had gained so much weight until I looked at a picture.” Weight does just creep up on you, and it can be easy not to understand how far you’ve let yourself go.
In this case, I’d say you have one shot. Try to find a recent photo of him and a past photo. Show him these and say something like “The weight you’ve put on lately has become very noticeable, and your loved ones are becoming concerned about your health. It would be such a shame to lose you. Please let us know if there is any way we can help. We are here to support you however we can.”
Then leave it at that. He’ll do what he wants with it.
Alas, it’s unlikely anything you say can convince your friend to lose weight. The decision to change comes from within the person, the more you nag about it the most likely he would put it off.
That said, instead of nagging or finding a way to talk about this, maybe you can try asking your friend out for a swim, a trip to the gym or just a walk now and then. It comes across better because instead of just piling another problem on top of his existing ones, you are offering a solution.
Like everyone else said, it’s not your call to make. He’s a big boy and he can weigh the consequences and decide for himself if he wants to eat more and gain weight or eat less and lose weight.
Trust me-he realizes. It’s not like alcohol where the addiction itself clouds your thinking. People know when they’ve gained weight. That said, there is a way to tactfully offer support. Don’t treat him like he’s an idiot who just needs somebody to point out that he’s gained weight or is not eating healthfully. He knows. As long as you put the emphasis on your own thoughts and feelings it will come across better. I’m thinking something like “I’m worried that you seem to have gained a little weight recently. It seems to get tougher to maintain as we get older, doesn’t it? Anyway, if you need any kind of help I’m here for you. Maybe next time we should go out for sushi instead of KFC, or go for a walk instead of a movie.” Then DROP IT and DO NOT mention it again.
Well, that’s a sure fire way of making sure that you won’t be bothered by the sight of his overweight, because after a few times, he’s going to realize that when he sees you, you are nasty about his issues. And soon, he’ll just quit seeing you.
You are NOT his mother or his doctor. You don’t have any control over his choices. About the best you can do is to make sure that when you do see him, it’s easy for him to choose healthier alternatives…that is, don’t go to a movie with him (with the buckets of popcorn which can feed AND HOUSE a family of four), but go to an event that’s more active.
Trust me, he already has a lot of people telling him that he’s fat. If he has any sort of emotional issues, and is turning to food as a comfort method, then these people are making him worse, not better.
You can tell him ONCE, in a respectful way, that you’re concerned about his weight. If you keep harping on it, though, he’s going to tune you out…and will quite probably drop you as a friend, because a real friend wouldn’t keep nagging about something with no hope of change. Nagging doesn’t work. Really.
In the last two years I’ve gained 40 extra pounds from divorce stress and forced to work the graveyard shift. I think if one of my friends told me I looked like I was gaining weight I’d be pissed, because it confirms my suspicions; people can tell. Also I don’t think just mentioning it will help, unless solutions like going to the gym or eating better together are put out.
I think you owe it to people you care about to let them know when you are concerned about them in any shape or form. It can be a suspicious mole that you don’t like the look of, a life threatening habit, a dangerous pattern of behavior or a health concern. If you can’t mention it how does the relationship count as a friendship at all.
However, having mentioned your concerns you can then only offer your help and support and then leave it up to them. And stick to the help and support bit only as requested.
If you were talking about it, he already knows he’s overweight. As someone who has been overweight (and still is, though not as much), I’d say not to help unless you’re asked for advice. Don’t approve, for example, of him eating crap, if he does, but don’t actively point out that he’s eating shit and that’s why he’s fat - he undoubtedly knows this, particularly if he hasn’t always been this size.
Weight is a difficult issue, for men as well as women in my experience, and people can be hurtful, even with the best of intentions - I’d let him know you’re more than happy to help him if he would like some support, and then wait for him to ask for help if he wants it.
As a personal aside, this Feburary I had dinner with my mum, and she said, “Ohh, you are getting fatter than before!” That was enough for me to embark on lifestyle changes, including making sure I am eating no more than what I need and execrising regularly.
Trust me, it doesn’t take much nudging by outsiders for someone to make up their mind about something (if they are receptive) - and do try doing it. If they are closed to the suggestion, can’t be bother or cannot muster the willpower, there is really nothing anyone else can do.
As a friend, you are right to be worried. But you shouldn’t (and can’t) force your will upon your best friend.
Your concern for your friend is good. But this is a difficult subject and something that is not easily approached. If approached the wrong way, you can end up pushing your friend away, or touching off a reaction that will create the opposite effect. Weight is a very sensitive issue to many and there’s a lot tied up in it. It’s not always (or often) as simple as- 'put down the cheeseburger and pick up the tennis racquet and all’s good. ’ It’s also one of those things that if it happens over time like that and is the first time your friend has been overweight, he may not really see it. His body image could be still what he’s looked like most of his life. BUT, that doesn’t mean if you go pushing the subject and needling him that you’re helping. Likely, you won’t be. Rather than pushing (which will probably just make him push back- and not from the table!)- just provide different opportunities for get togethers that are not food-oriented. If there’s a sport you used to play together, or you both enjoy, plan your get togethers around that and make it a regular thing. Feel him out for something he’d be interested in doing and make it a joint venture rather than you pushing him into it. You can lead a horse to water, but ya can’t make him drink diet soda. Provide the more healthy opportunities and know that you’ve done what you can to help. Nagging or needling, may have the opposite effect of your intention.
Dude, people can tell. Would you really be better off maintaining your delusion that they can’t? The truth does hurt, but we can’t really go about changing anything until we admit the truth to ourselves.
I have a friend who’s always complaining about her weight. She could stand to lose about 20 lbs. I’m surprised she isn’t a LOT heavier because by now she should know better about cooking healthy and nutrition. She drinks Pepsi all day, from morning till night, glass after glass after glass. I’ve suggested she NOT drink glass after glass of sugary soda, and she snapped, “well, what should I drink, then???” Uh, water? Falls on deaf ears, so I’ve just shut up. I’ve also shut up about the half a stick of butter and most of a whole pound of fried bacon on Sunday mornings, Little Debbie snack cakes, and the steady diet of packaged, processed, sodium laden convenience foods that she consumes. I’ve just shut up, she knows what she should be cooking and eating to be healthier. When asked what I’m cooking that night, it usually IS something fairly healthy, and I’ll tell her, trying to set an example.
I’m looking at this problem from the opposite end: My husband is overweight. Actually, he is obese. He has asked me to help him lose weight/make better choices, and I agreed - it’s beyond time, he’s suffering from health problems related to his weight (high blood pressure, joint problems, etc.) and his career is actually at risk (the caricature of a fat middle-aged Southern deputy isn’t usually the reality. It’s a very physically demanding job, and at 41, the former football and weight-lifting star is less and less able to rise to those physical demands.)
I keep healthy foods around the house - no chips or cookies, lots of veggies, etc. - and cook healthy meals every night. And nothing pisses me off more than when he returns from a doctor’s appointment with a bag from McDonald’s or Burger King. I can only do so much, because he IS a grown man, and I’m not the food police. But don’t tell me that you want to be able to walk your newborn daughter down the aisle one day, but you can’t be bothered to make choices today that will allow that to happen.
Advice? There really isn’t a good way to tell someone “You’re fat, and I love you and want to spend a lot of years being your friend/wife/child/parent, so I’d like to see you make better choices.” All I’m able to do is offer my husband the opportunity to make better choices. Whatever he chooses to do is up to him… Unfortunately!
sparky!, your friend told you himself that he now weighed 270, having weighed 220 in the past. I assure you, he knows, unless he is unable to do simple arithmetic. He also knows because he has had to spend a fair amount of money buying clothing to accommodate that extra fifty pounds. He’s also experiencing the physical difficulties associated with lugging around fifty more pounds than he used to. Also, unless he is culturally utterly ignorant, he knows the kinds of foods and/or activities that are likely to contribute one way or another to his situation, and he knows that extra weight is hazardous to his health. It’s on TV constantly, it’s everywhere in newspapers and on the Internet. Unless he is a determined hermit, he already knows everything you seem to want to tell him.
He knows he’s fat. He’s either ready to do something about it or he isn’t. Anything you say on the topic isn’t going to tell him anything he doesn’t already know, and may make him feel bad. If he ever expresses a desire to lose weight, then you can spring in with dietary and/or exercise advice and offer support.
I can’t tell you what to do about your friend, however, as has been said before if he told you that he’s gained 50 pounds then he’s already aware on some level that there’s a problem. But I can share with you how I would feel if one of my friends had brought up the issue of my weight when I was at my heaviest. I started out about 3 1/2 years ago in the Super Morbidly Obese category and am now in the midst of just plain old Morbidly Obese. I’ve lost 80 pounds and I’ve never looked so forward to being ‘Overweight’ in my life. During the time that I gained all my weight there were many huge, tumultuous changes going on in my life and lots of stress. I went up 8 sizes (obviously I gained more than your friend) and had to buy new clothes. So believe me, I was fully aware that I was the proverbial tub of lard. But if one of my friends had tried to ‘help’ me with dieting advice, that might have pushed me over the edge and I might not be here today. That being said, they have been extremely supportive once I decided to lose weight again. They never nag me, they’re always super-excited when I lose more weight, and one of my friends who works at Macy’s even went out and bought me 3 new outfits recently since all of my clothes are too big. So, after that long-winded story, my advice to you is to take his lead and be a good example.
By the way, I realize that one person above said that parental nagging helped but I think that they are the exception to the rule. The thing that finally did it for me? I fell through a very old set of steps at my boyfriend’s house. I had already lost about 20 pounds before that, but it was a huge wake-up call.
So you really love someone, not a family member, and they are going from kinda hefty to morbidly obese between visits a month apart. What should you do?
How much time you want to invest in this? Because nothing you say, alone by itself will do any good at all. If you are very close friends, able to share deeply troubling emotional issues without endangering your relationship, there are things you should do. Most of them are not things you should say.
People overeat for a lot of different reasons. You can’t supervise that. But, you can begin increasing your interactions with them and pick all things that do not specifically involve food. That is a challenge, because so much of American and European social activity centers on eating. But, walks, astronomy, poetry, sports, amateur theater, local historic investigations, volunteer work, and a hundred other things don’t need to involve food. Don’t be secretive about why, but don’t become the coach. You don’t want to help with a behavior (eating) which is doing them harm. You do want to be involved with them, so these are the options still open.
Being a resource, emotionally or socially is a big involvement. Don’t start and then just walk away feeling proud. That sucks. If that is the most likely outcome, just go ahead and call them fatty now, and fuck off.
I recall two different posters on the board who have said that they didn’t realize they had become so fat until someone else finally pointed it out to them. I wonder how often that happens. I think that while people know they’re buying larger clothes, they just don’t see the change in themselves because it’s so gradual. Plus, guys can continue to buy the same size jeans and just wear them lower down, and tell themselves their figure is shifting with age. Guys who are very tall often can carry the extra weight without looking terribly fat.
I probably wouldn’t say anything to the friend. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you have with him.
During the time that I gained all my weight there were many huge, tumultuous changes going on in my life and lots of stress. I went up 8 sizes (obviously I gained more than your friend) and had to buy new clothes. So believe me, I was fully aware that I was the proverbial tub of lard. But if one of my friends had tried to ‘help’ me with dieting advice, that might have pushed me over the edge and I might not be here today. That being said, they have been extremely supportive once I decided to lose weight again. They never nag me, they’re always super-excited when I lose more weight, and one of my friends who works at Macy’s even went out and bought me 3 new outfits recently since all of my clothes are too big. So, after that long-winded story, my advice to you is to take his lead and be a good example.