My best friend is gaining weight, how to help?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

As someone who has had a weight issue off and on (mostly on) for most of my life, I just want to say, there is NO need to try to step in and help your friends who have gained weight. Believe me, they know they’ve gained and don’t need you to point it out to them. Anyone who has weight issues knows exactly what’s going on and how to make changes. The problem comes in with whether or not we really want to make those difficult changes.

No one needs to point out to an overweight person that they are gaining weight or overweight. This is something better left unsaid, believe me.

42

A guy is worried about his friends health, and everyone is turning it into a personal issue about being, or being called, fat.

People can fall into ruts without knowing what they are doing. Weight is not an addiction, where you may need to have a personal epiphany to turn things around. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to put an arm around your shoulder and give you some helpful advice. Sometimes a person desperately needs someone they know and trust to go Dr. Laura on their ass.

The gist of the advice in this thread seems to be “Just let him carry on the way he has, if he has a heart attact, that just might be the thing that’ll get him going. Provided he doesn’t die first.”

43

I’ll second this and add that not everyone has to buy new clothes when they put on weight. I remember weighing 180 pounds and wearing 34 or 36 waist pants, because I preferred them loose. At my heaviest, 5 weeks ago, I weighed 244 pounds and wore… a 38. This isn’t because I was only 2" bigger in the waist, I was quite a bit bigger but I stuffed myself into too-small pants and put up with being out of breath and uncomfortable.

My co-workers and I have a 12-week contest going and we’ve been encouraging each other and deliberately eating healthier food-- it really helps when you’re trying to eat right and the Deep Fried Oreo And Bacon Brigade isn’t partying all around you. Also, doing things together that aren’t “go out and eat, stay home and eat” helps, too.

I’m close to getting back into my 36’s-- they’re too tight now, but at least they’ll fasten again. And I’m still 30 pounds above my goal weight, and will probably wear 36’s the whole time.

44

Each case is different. When I was way overweight ,my wife made remarks. It did not anger me, because I was pissed off at myself. I lost 60 lbs and now my BP and diabetes are no longer a problem.
On the other hand, she is packing on the weight. If I mentioned it to her she would be pissed at me. But her BP is climbing and she is showing signs that she is doing harm. But i still can not say a word to her. She takes offense when anyone says a word about it. She does zero exercise. eats badly and likes chocolate, ice cream and candy. The future is clear. She knows it. What good does it do if I say it?

45

WOW… this exact same thing happened to me. My doc ragged on my ass about it and i went and joined 24hr fitness and got my ass in gear. I’ve seen answers all over the spectrum… I would say it depends on your relationship. If you were one of my boys i’d tell you and crack on your ass… because that’s the sort of relationships i have with my guys… we’re honest and we stick up for each other… but don’t pussyfoot around about it… tell him what you think and listen to his response…

46

People are giving that advice because it’s like any other personal problem: nothing is going to change until the person with the problem is ready and willing to do something about it. Sure, some people just need a friend to say “hey, wake up!” but it seems most people aren’t like that. Fat people know they’re fat and telling them so won’t change anything. If anything, threads like this show that Fatty McGee will probably just get defensive or more self-conscious and down on themselves, which just makes it worse.

I think it’s good to let friends know you’re there if they want your help, but what else can you really do?

47

Yup. If the weight gain is slow enough, your clothes will stretch with you to a certain degree as well. I was a curvy chick to begin with, and my proportions haved stayed roughly the same, despite gaining about 30 pounds since college. Only recently have I realised that I’m not really unphotogenic, the camera just shows all the weight I’ve put on in the last 6 years or so. :frowning:

48

I’m with Lamar Mundane. If the guys life is at risk something must be said. Who better than a friend? Not in an aggressive or condescending way but in a serious way such as “Guy, you are getting close to 50. I notice you have not gotten smaller- it could be a health issue.” If that ends the friendship so be it.

At the end of the day if you say nothing and he keels over, will you be asking yourself “Could I have done more?”

49

Duplicated.

50

if I am in the office for a cut on my hand that picked up an infection, or a case of poison ivy, why are you lecturing me on my weight. Believe me, I know how much I weigh.

[that being said, I have been steadily losing weight and it pisses off my endocrinologist to no end because I am not exercising nor am I watching what I eat, other than I have maintained my nutritionist mandated food selections, as I have for the past almost 30 years. I am losing weight because I had my ovaries yanked out, along with the tumors and I no longer have hormones flooding my system and fucking up my metabolism on odd cycles.]

51

Agree 100%.

I have had obese people ask me for advice on how to lose weight and keep it off. A couple were friends. The latest is a coworker. In each case I spent a good amount of time educating them on what to eat, what not to eat, how to reduce caloric intake, exercise, etc. None of them lost weight. In fact, in each case they got fatter.

I am now convinced a “lack of education” is not the reason most obese people are obese. Hence “educating” them is a waste of time, even when asked.

Sadly, I don’t think there is much a friend or coworker can do to help an obese person. I believe offering unsolicited advice is nosy and intrusive, and giving them advice when asked is simply a waste of time.

52

You and many others in this thread are missing one big thing - this isn’t about you! You have had weight issues all your life - well, the guy in the OP hasn’t! He was 220 lbs at 6’4" a year or so ago! That’s a slim person! That you have had weight issues in your past has no bearing on this, no matter how emotional you are about it.

A guy approaching 50 with rapid weight gain, a bad diet, no exercise, and consuming massive ammounts of liquid sugar is not just flirting with death, he’s taunting it. Your personal weight issues have no bearing on this case.

P.S. If you’re going to the Dr. for a sore throat and you’re getting counseled on your weight, that’s a good sign that you really need to do something about your weight.

53

Actually, no, I HAVEN’T had weight issues all my life. I was slender until I got pregnant and had medical problems.

What I and many others are saying is that fat people know that they’re fat. They are told and otherwise reminded several times a day that they’re fat. Telling a fat person that s/he’s fat is not informative, it’s not helpful, and it’s usually unkind. The OP said that he intended to needle his friend about his weight. That’s not informative or helpful, and in fact it’s downright hurtful and counterproductive.

And if I go to the doctor about bronchitis, I had better not get a lecture about my weight or blood sugar until AFTER the bronchitis is treated. If I don’t get my bronchitis treated, but only get that lecture, I’ll find a doctor who WILL treat my immediate health problems, as well as my long range problems. A doctor who will only tell me that I need to lose weight, without treating my immediate problems, is a doctor who thinks that weight loss is the magic cure for all symptoms, much like someone who believes in the power of crystals to cure all ills. I need a doctor who can see that I’m not breathing well at all, and who will treat that problem.

And taunting him, or nagging him, will do absolutely no damned good. It will only make the taunter/nagger feel superior. It might also drive the overweight person to try to get more comfort from whatever comforts him…which is a bad diet and liquid sugar.

54
  1. I didn’t quote you, and I intentionally used the word “many” in place of “all.”
  1. I never advocated taunting or nagging, in fact I specifically said that it was not a good idea.
  2. It’s clear by your response that you do have an irrational reaction to this issue. You can’t deal with it based on the facts. Whatever your own issues are have no bearing on the OP’s friend, unless you happen to be that friend.
55

Lamar Mundane, I’ve edited your post (adding extra quote tags) to make it clearer which statements are Lynn Bodoni’s and which are yours. I know that your words were already in a different color for contrast. It’s against the rules to change the text inside quote tags, so please don’t do this in the future.

56

There was a Miss Manners letter a while back that read something like this:

Could you give a tactful way for letting a friend know I think she has gained too much weight?

Can you give a tactful reason for wanting to do so?

57

Heart disease, diabetes, death.

58

Lamar, do you honestly think it’s possible that this guy, who told the OP that he now weighs 270 when he used to weigh 220, doesn’t know that he’s put on weight, or that it’s a health hazard? Seriously, do you think he’s going to smack his forehead and say “Gee, I knew there was something different, but I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was?”

If someone told me I was fat, I wouldn’t be insulted because they were saying I was fat; I’d be insulted because they were saying I was too stupid to notice. What possible good do you think it would do? I’m dead serious here. Do you really think the friend doesn’t know?

As a fat person myself, I’m telling you; we know. We know that we’re fat, we know that we’re at much higher risk for certain health problems, and we know what to do about it, or at the very least how to find out what to do about it if we don’t already know. Telling us doesn’t change anything, except possibly to make us less comfortable around you, and it’s not as if we don’t have plenty of reason to be uncomfortable already.

I’m fine with the idea of presenting alternative activities or foods to help to make it easier for a friend to lose weight. But, seriously, there’s no need to tell him something of which he is already perfectly well aware.

59

The only thing I could see helping would be saying “Hey, I’m joining a gym to get into shape, wanna join with me?”

Otherwise, I agree, an overweight person knows they’re overweight, even if they gained 50 lbs fairly quickly. They know the facts are aren’t looking for anyone but a very close friend or spouse/child to talk to about it, and even then it’s better if the conversation starts with the person.

Providing some activities or healthy alternatives without pushing yourself on them might work. Beyond that I think you’d be counterproductive.

60

I’m not the OP’s friend. However, I have been the target of many “helpful, concerned” remarks, and I have talked about these kinds of remarks with other people. The remarks, especially the mocking, needling remarks are not helpful at all. They are hurtful, counterproductive, and not the remarks that a true friend would make.

I will tell someone, once, that I don’t find the remarks helpful in any way. And then, if they continue, I will avoid that person.

I have been in the shoes of the OP’s friend. Whether you think my reactions are irrational or not, they are common reactions. You advocate sitting down and talking to the friend about the consequences. Anyone who has an IQ above room temperature has heard all about the consequences. Unless you are a mental health professional, and are asked for advice, you can either accept this person, faults and all, or you can accept the fact that you are likely to lose his friendship if you insult his intelligence by implying that he’s so dense that he doesn’t realize what his excess weight is doing to his health.

I’m a vehement antismoker. Going through a cloud of smoke will trigger an asthma attack and possibly a migraine in me. But I don’t say a word about or two people who smoke in the designated areas. If they’re over 18, I assume that they already know the health consequences. I only speak up if they light up in a nonsmoking area, and then I don’t say anything about their health, only my health. If they want to clog their lungs with tar, it’s NOT MY BUSINESS, as long as they leave MY lungs alone. If an alcoholic is drinking himself to death, it’s NOT MY BUSINESS. I won’t buy cigarettes for a smoker, or alcohol for an alcoholic. Similarly, if someone wishes to buy me an edible treat, I’m quite happy with fruit or cheese, I don’t insist that they buy me chocolate.

My best friend is helpful. We get together every week or two, and she has taken me to new restaurants, where it’s easier to make healthier food choices. It’s also easier to stay on my food plan if I’m eating with someone who’s NOT ordering the queso (cheese dip), which I dearly love, but which surely contains a zillion fat grams. And we always do something that’s physically active, that’s challenging for me but which stays within my abilities, too. She gave me ONE talk about how she’s concerned about my weight and health, but she hadn’t seen me for 30 years, when I weighed about 115, and when I was quite physically fit. Since then, she hasn’t talked about my weight, or about my diet. She just quietly helps me plan ways of better managing my diet and activity. And I provide support for her issues, too.