Seriously, why is it ok for someone to nag me for drinking or smoking (quit two years ago,) but not to tell someone how bad it is to be fat. Trust me, I would not and do not nag anyone about these things. Just wondering…
I’m not sure I understand exactly what you are saying here.
If you had a friend in his late 40’s who decided to take up smoking, would you say nothing because who doesn’t know all the hazards associated with smoking, or would you go up to him and say “Dude, what the f%@* are you thinking?”
I really don’t get this thread. Nobody’s advocating that the OP start ridiculing his friend about his weight. He’s concerned about his health and that he might orphan his kids.
I’d certainly want my friends to speak to me if they were that concerned. A lot of people are in deep denial about the consequences of their actions. The potential of saving a life is worth the risk of someone getting offended.
I think that everyone does know the risks. They also know the risks of obesity and drinking to excess. If someone is actually ignorant of these facts, they’ve either been living under a rock or they lying to themselves. My friend knows she’s fat; I know I drink a bit too much. I would feel strange about telling her I’m concerned about her weight; she knows, admits she’s hugely overweight, etc. Knows that I, as her friend, am concerned. All of these things I know about drinking or smoking and will do what it takes when I’M ready and the more I’m nagged, the less likely I am to comply. That’s all I’m trying to say. Not sure I’m really making total sense, though! 
And even more off topic: Those people that gave me such hell about smoking? What’s up with not giving me the SAME AMOUNT of praise for quitting. Yeah, that’s right…
I think people are way too focused on the fat thing, and the nagging. I don’t even know where the nagging came from - it’s not in the OP, but it seems to be in a lot of the replies. What it comes down to for me is is that it’s not about someone saying “Hey, dude, you’re fat!” but about a friend saying “Buddy, I’m your friend and as a friend, I’m concerned about your health.”
The concept of “nagging” comes from the fact that the subject is aware that he is fat, and has already been informed of the OP’s concern, more than once. All from the OP, bolding mine:
Right. That’s been said. Having said that, does a friend do more help or harm by going on about it?
And at what point does this behavior no longer describe a “friend”?
Are you truly his friend? Then say something. That’s what friends do.
No the job description of a doctor is to treat the issue you bring to them. I know I’m fat, it’s an ongoing situation, but when I come in with cystitis or bronchitis or a flare-up of arthritis in my wrist, the majority of the visit should be focused on those acute issues, not the chronic issue of my weight, and when it’s a doctor with whom there’s a relationship, a redundant lecture, (rather than dialogue) at every visit goes beyond the issue of appropriate doctor concern into the area of not communicating with the patient as an individual, which is a massive problem.
More like his concern about his friend’s health is misplaced, however well meaning. Not every fat person develops diabetes (the vast majority never will) heart disease (same) or high blood pressure (ditto). And the “increased risk” of those things isn’t a blanket thing, it’s not as if everyone in the “obese” category automatically is now X% more likely to get ill, and that likelihood does not automatically reduce once every person moves from the “obese” category to the “overweight” category and again once they’re in “average” category.
It’s been a year. The friend’s had a massive change in his life, not just his lifestyle. He could have health issues going on that the OP knows nothing about, and aren’t the OP’s business. He could have all sorts of things going on that the OP knows nothing about and won’t. Regardless, this automatic “oh no, my friend got fat, I’m afraid he’s gonna die!!” thing is a complete overreaction. (Or misdirection, but I’m not going to impugn motives at this point.)
I’d love to see your cites on this because I really do not believe it.
One in three adults in the US has high blood pressure. That’s one in three.
63% of of adults in the US are obese or overweight. 34% of American adults are obese.
So the majority of adults in the United States are overweight. A little over one third of all adults are obese rather than overweight.
Are you still believing that the majority of fat people will never have high blood pressure? Do we want to move on to heart disease or diabetes?
I’m not saying the OP should or shouldn’t discuss this with their friend, I’m just absolutely disagreeing with your statements quoted above. Keep in mind they are using adults as being older than 20 so a lot of young people are included to bring down the average. As people age the likelihood of developing these diseases increase.
If you really believe the majority of fat people will never develop high blood pressure, diabetes, or heart disease I would wonder exactly what you think most people are dying from as they age?
In fact, the Surgeon General says:
[ul]
[li]High blood pressure is twice as common in adults who are obese than in those who are at a healthy weight[/li][li]A weight gain of 11 to 18 pounds increases a person’s risk of developing type 2 diabetes to twice that of individuals who have not gained weight[/li][li]Over 80% of people with diabetes are overweight or obese.[/li][/ul]
Cite (warning, PDF).
I am overweight and the one thing from my friends that will motivate me to lead a healthier lifestyle is to notice that they are.
A woman at work started looking really good and I heard her mention that she joined the gym. A different friend lost a lot of weight fairly fast and she said she stopped eating after dinner.
Make a change in your own life, even small, and mention how it makes you feel better, lose a couple of pounds or get more toned. He’ll think if you can do it he can too. Invite him to do some physical activity with you. Grab some water and casually mention that soda makes you feel tired or sluggish.
Make it about you, not him.
I walk every day. I once had a total stranger stop me in the street and say “Miss, I just wanted to thank you. I’ve been overweight all my life and I’ve never been able to lose weight. I saw you walking every day and thought ‘She walks every day and she is thin. If she can do it, so can I.’ I’ve been walking every day for four months and have lost thirty pounds.”
People don’t listen to what they say; they watch what you do.
I understand where you are coming from, but even that sentence, repeated many times over, with the best of intention to help, is also nagging.
I guess what many are saying is that if that, plus the realization that one has been putting on weight, is not enough to motivate the friend to change his lifestyle, nothing will. I think the OP has done his duty and responsbility as friend to bring up this point seriously and to offer help when asked.
To the OP, can you wait until your friend mentions it again (trust me, he will), then use that opening for some suggestions? For example:
OP’s friend: You know, I feel so fat. Remember when I said I used to weigh 220 and now weigh 270?
OP: Hmmmm. Have you thought about bringing this up with your doctor? Do you notice a difference in the way you feel? You know, if you need help losing some weight I’m always here. Taking off a few pounds can really boost your energy levels and give you a better outlook on life, and I know you’ve been kind of down lately.
OP’s friend: Well, uh…
OP: Hey, no pressure. But if you’d like a quick, pretty painless way of at least cutting a few calories, you could try diet soda instead of regular or substituting water for your soda a couple times a day. Just try it for a week and see how you feel. You don’t have to make huge changes all at once - little ones go a long way.
But, yeah, I’m with those who said that your friend definitely knows he’s fat and probably doesn’t need you to tell him that he needs to drop a few pounds. In fact, he sounds a lot like I used to when I was fat. I’d open a conversation with my husband and say, “Jeez, I put on a ton of weight when I was pregnant. I’m so fat!”
What I was looking for was my husband to say, “No, you’re not babe. You look gorgeous.” What he said instead was, “You know, we could both probably stand to lose a few pounds. Can you help make it less painful?”
I liked this approach for two reasons: first, I didn’t feel targeted. It wasn’t just me with the problem, it was both of us - we were in it together. Second, he waited for me to open the conversation. I was initially horrified and hurt, but this was much better than if he’d sat me down and said, “Jeez, overly, you need to lose weight.”
After my initial horror, he said, “Look, overly, you know and I know that we’ve both gained weight. You gained weight because you were pregnant. And you’ve said yoursef you don’t feel good. I don’t feel good, either. Let’s do something about it so we can both feel good.”
So we did.
If the Sparky!'s friend FatAss, knows that he’s fat, and Sparky! is still concerned…
…depending on how close a friend Sparky! is to FatAss…maybe Sparky! could ask FatAss if he wants to start working out together.
This way, Sparky! can feel like he/she is helping with the offer to work out together. If FatAss is too damn lazy to get off his FatAss and try and shed a few pounds, at least he knows somebody cares enough to work with him, and isn’t just criticizing him.
And for Sparky!, if the offer is declined, at least he can confidently know he tried when he’s attending FatAss’s funeral.
I’m seeing a lot of advice from overweight people who have remained overweight, which if you think about it probably means you are getting great advice on how to remain overweight.
Obviously people are going to say “I don’t want to think about and confront my problems.” That is how their problems got so bad in the first place! If you were able to confront your issues, you’d probably start working on weight loss when you had gained ten extra pounds, not waited until it was unmanageable.
I’m an overweight person who has lost 40lbs and would have (and did) react poorly when people tried commenting on my weight. I knew that I was overweight and needed to come to my own decision to make changes. The one thing that did help was a friend suggesting we join Weight Watchers together, but she is an extremely close friend who has seen me through thick and thin, no pun intended.
Lots of us have lost weight (visit the various Weight Loss threads) and have direct experience with this. It’s an extremely delicate subject to broach with someone, and you should be sure of their reaction before you go there, or be prepared to lose the friendship, IMO.
I agree with Telemark 100%. Well phrased, too.
And no one should attempt to discredit Telemark’s good advice because he admits he’s overweight, that’s ridiculous.
And you’ve seen a lot of advice from overweight people who have lost weight, too. I’ve lost a significant portion of my overweight, and I’m still losing weight. You’ve also seen a lot of overweight people tell you which approaches are counterproductive, but it’s not NEARLY as much fun to NOT nag and criticize someone.
The simple fact of the matter is that nagging and making critical remarks is generally counterproductive and not helpful at all. Gentle encouragement, when the overweight person is ready for it, DOES help.
I agree with Telemark, Lynn and the lone cashew. I knew I was fat. Even knowing I was fat didn’t make me lose weight. What made me lose weight was my husband agreeing that I (we) needed to and also finding out that my cholesterol was high. I could tell myself I’d gained “just a little weight” until I found out I’d not only gained weight, but was also putting my health in serious jeopardy.
I’ve lost 30 pounds since that moment and struggled every step of the way. I’m still losing, too.