Holy crap. I typed and formatted this whole freakin’ thread once, then got the “Invalid Forum Specified” error. El Gone-o. Now I shall try to recreate.
I think this belongs in the Pit. Mod, please move if it doesn’t. This is very long.
Cast of Neighbors and Friends:
The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the asshole.
El Hubbo - My husband
Larry and Manny - Neighbors, friends, all-around good guys
Bob and Heidi - Neighbors and friends of ours for six years
Tom and Jerrie - Tom works with me and grew up with Heidi. Jerrie is his wife.
Adam and Dave - Mutual friends
Reed - An annoying neighbor
Background:
Back in November, El Hubbo, Larry, and Manny got in an argument with Bob about a game they’ve been playing called Advanced Squad Leader (ASL). It’s a very complicated game that does its best to simulate the complicated and varying conditions of war. Bob is an expert. The other three are n00bs and have to constantly look up the rules. Bob has no job and is privileged to have a wife who indulges his every want and need. The other three have full-time jobs and wives with whom they have very give-and-take relationships. Bob was frustrated about their inability to memorize the inches-thick instruction book. The other three were unwilling to committ to studying it. An impasse was reached.
At about the same time, I got a new job that forced El Hubbo and I to change our hours drastically. I get home at about 6:00 p.m., we go to bed at 8:30 - 9:00 and we get up at 4:30 a.m. Our usual habit of inviting Bob over for dinner when Heidi was out of town went by the wayside. All the neighbors spent New Year’s Eve together. That was the last time that either El Hubbo or I socialized with Bob.
We slowly began to realize that Bob might be avoiding us. Heidi would show up for our dinners, etc., but Bob wouldn’t. He and Heidi attended events together when El Hubbo and I weren’t around.
Two weeks ago, I realized that the problem might be that Bob thought El Hubbo was angry at him about the whole ASL argument. I never envisioned them having a heart-to-heart, but I guessed that the simple extension of an olive branch from one of them would heal all wounds.
On Wednesday, El Hubbo called Bob and invited him and Heidi over to play Risk with us (me, Larry, Manny) on April 3. Bob accepted.
On Thursday, I invited my co-worker Tom and his wife Jerrie. Tom knows Heidi from high school. This will be the first time they’ve been to our house.
On Friday, I wrote to Heidi and said, “I don’t know if El Hubbo told Bob that you’re invited to Risk, but you are.”
She wrote back, “Oh, I thought it was a guys-only kind of thing. What do you say we hit the spa for massages instead?”
I replied, “That sounds fantastic but I’m really looking forward to Risk and besides, I invited Tom and Jerrie.”
I didn’t hear back from Heidi that day.
On Saturday, the first thing El Hubbo said to me was, “Hey, why did you invite Tom and Jerrie? We already have six players.”
“Oh, shoot. You know what? I’ll call Tom. He will definitely understand.” Then it dawned on me. How did El Hubbo know I had invited Tom? I hadn’t told him yet.
El Hubbo showed me the email Bob sent him, which contained the message I had sent Heidi. Bob wrote, “I would not have accepted the invitation if I had known that Gazelle was going to do her invite-a-random-person thing. And besides, I’m trying to minimize my contact with Gazelle because she’s been annoying me lately.”
Ed note. You wanted to minimize your contact? Um, mission accomplished. I haven’t seen you in three months, jackass.
Bob’s email was way out of left field. I had no idea he felt this way and was deeply hurt. I cried as soon as I read it. Immediately, I wrote him a quick message saying, “I feel blindsided. Can we talk about this?”
Bob and Heidi were gone for the weekend, so I had to wait 'til at least Sunday night for a reply. I actually didn’t get it 'til today, due to screwy email issues. Bob’s vitriol is in red, my replies are in blue. FYI, I read it as I replied to it… That’s why it takes me so long to realize that the message is a total sucker punch.
From today, circa noon:
Hi Bob:
I guess I understand a lot of what you’ve said. I know that you have a low tolerance for screechiness and general goofiness. I appreciate you not yelling at me to STFU in front of other people.
- You are playing so we are going to have to sit around a table together for some time. You ignored Heidi’s subtle suggestions to do something else and let it be a boys night…
El Hubbo invited you over for Risk at my prompting, because I thought that you wouldn’t come if the invitation came from me… But not because I annoy you; because I thought you were angry with Butch and that he should be the one to invite you. He neglected to invite both you and Heather and he neglected to tell you that I was going to be there. I declined Heidi’s invitation because I really am looking forward to playing Risk.
…so we can now look forward to the three-million dollar dance and crusty vagina song if Jeremy shows up, and the whole tuna can thing as well. These conversations are usually only initiated by you and might have been interesting and funny the first ten times, but after a 100’th time or so, they aren’t so funny.
I hear you. I disagree, but I hear you
- You invited other people who are your friends to an event that started out as a smaller gathering. In this specific case, an event that started out as pretty much a boy’s night blew directly through neighborhood event to a “Gazelle” event as you have invited your work friends. Parties and large gatherings are fun once in a while, but in this case I agreed to attend a different event. You have a habit of doing this. You also have the habit of inviting whatever person X you find interesting at the time to smaller gatherings with little regard to how anyone else (including El Hubbo) might feel about it. You’ve even invited folks like that over and then went to be early leaving everyone else thinking “wtf”?
Yep, you’re right. I have a problem with doing this. El Hubbo didn’t know I invited him 'til you forwarded him the email. His first comment was, “Hey, we already have six.” My immediate reaction was to say, “I’ll call him and cancel; he’ll understand.” But then I went, “Wait, how did you know this?”
- You invited Tom. You have a strange habit of trying to become close friends with our friends or family. This has worked out fine with folks like Adam, but how do you know how Heidi feels about Todd? They were friends a long time ago and Heidi has tried to maintain a polite relationship with Todd where she sees him and his daughter once or twice a year. But, now you are pushing that. Just because you might be interested in being close friends with everyone you ever knew does not necessarily mean everyone else wants to be.
You’re right, kind of. I work with Tom. I like him. I think he’d be a cool person to get to know better. The way that someone like me meets new people is through people I know. It just so happens that I like Tom, Adam, and Dave a lot. Maybe my way of making new friends is unorthodox… I wish it didn’t annoy you or make you feel as if I’m trying to intrude on your life.
This is just part of your standard behavior of believing you are closer to us than you are. The last three times we have had friends or family over to visit, you either showed up uninvited or forced a “polite” invitation from Heidi. If we would have wanted to have you over, we would have called you and invited you. Heidi and I try to maintain personal lives and friendships, but living near to you makes that increasingly difficult.
Wow. That just… hurts. For the past several years, I’ve thought of you guys as our best friends. I like you, I like your families. And when I see that someone is visiting and I haven’t been invited over, I call to see if I can stop by to say “Hi.” It’s definitely not meant to be a guilt trip. I understand the need for time alone and Heidi has always just said, “We need our alone time” or family time or whatever. She knows she doesn’t have to make excuses to me and has always been assertive about it.
I’m not sure what kind of “adult compromise or understanding” *Ed. Note: He’s quoting me here. * we are going to come to. I imagine there isn’t a whole lot difference in the way I feel about you than there is in the way you feel about Reed. It just took me quite a bit longer to get to that point that I don’t want >to spend time around you as it did for you to not want to be around Reed. Who knows if the way I feel might change in the future. I will likely spend time around you on some occasions, but I’ll likely continue bow out of events where we have to be in close proximity for extended periods of time because I’m not interested in telling you to shut-the-fuck-up in front of a bunch of people.
Again, ouch. Okay. Well, I play Risk and will be there on Saturday.
Ed. Note: I wish I had written, “Don’t worry about having to restrain yourself from screaming at me because you will not be invited to our house ever again.”
You also don’t need to contact Heidi, Tom, my sister, or whomever else about what I’ve said. As far as I am concerned, these are pretty much my opinions expressed to you and they should remain between us.
I wish you had come to me in the first place, instead of sending that email to El Hubbo. I have always know that we have disparate personalities and that I have annoyed you upon occasion. I don’t know if you care, but I promise it was not my intention.
Anyway, I’m not going to ask you to change. Why would you do that? Be yourself. But, for what its worth, a suggestion would be to simply pay more attention to what you do or say and exercise some self control. If you find yourself dominating large group conversations with topics like your choice of birth control, the fact that you just got a bikini wax, that you are making an attempt to fit into size four jeans, or that you just lost a half a pound, you might want to just be quiet. You can be relatively certain that a large group is uninterested and possibly uncomfortable with most of those topics.
I am intensely aware of annoying other people. When we had the discussion about weight training, which was mostly civil, I realized that I need to avoid that subject. But I guess I am just now realizing how incredibly futile this is. You basically hate me and it would take a miracle for us to be friends now.
Ed. Note: I wish I had said something about how he does a lot of speaking for people besides himself.
Drinking a little less would probably help with that as well as the embarrassing (for everyone) falling asleep/passing out episodes that were becoming relatively commonplace last fall/winter.
Covering all the bases, huh? Your communication style is incredibly harsh. I think that every single issue you have described could have been addressed on the spot with a subtle, “Wow, Gazelle. I really don’t want to hear about that. Seriously.” Or taken me aside. If you annoyed me the way I annoy you, I would have done this because I truly valued you as a friend. It seems as if you let all of these little idiosyncracies of mine build up to a boil. I can’t imagine being able to be around you in the future without crying or being completely silent, so I guess this is it. Well thanks for writing back; my curiosity has definitely been sated. I am overwhelmed with your apparent detestation. I’m flabbergasted. I’m an optimistic person, so part of me really wants to say something about how I wish it would change but I don’t know what to say that won’t sound idiotic to your ears.
Questions for Dopers:
Is Bob going nuts? Possibly depressed? This is a man I’ve known for six years; we’ve laughed together many times.
I promise that I’m not in denial. I know I can be annoying. Everything he has related is true, but seen in the most negative light.
In retrospect, I wish I had replied to the message thusly:
Bob, that is the most insane email I have ever read. I haven’t seen you since New Year’s Eve. Your message sounds dangerously like obsession fueled by depression. You need some professional help. I am carbon-copying your wife on this message.
Probably wouldn’t have helped.