Finally!
Smoking MIGHT have a little bit to do with it, as the penis is a literal “flag” when it comes to arterial plaque. Those arteries are smaller than heart or brain (cite, Martin Miner, MD, “The Penis Knows”, and other authors from the Journal of Sexual Medicine). Dr Miner is an international authority and lecturer on men’s sexual health.
Aside from that, you apparently have libido disparity. If you want to keep the relationship for other reasons than sex, get a vibrator or three. Go to the ISSWSH website. (Thanks for the reminder, I need to renew my membership). If no spontaneous lovemaking is a deal breaker, exit stage left, AFTER a very frank discussion.
Best of luck. You are too young to have to ask; something is awry.
You say in the OP that you asked him about it, but didn’t give his response. That seems to be the most relevant detail.
It’s more a past-tense thing, but I could tell you some stories. I wouldn’t say grudging, and I wouldn’t say no sex at all - just that, for some of us, the implied permission to ask nicely and never be turned down would be a big step up.
It’s a bit like when Dilbert is being offered either: (a) a well-paid job, but all his work will be publicly torn up at the end of every day, or (b) a job in which his work is valued but the pay is kinda crap. And he pauses and then says “…Both of those are better than what I get already”.
Enough about me, back to the OP and having to ask for what you want instead of people just realizing they should be the ones to do the asking.
Emcee2k, when I have brought it up to him, it seems to hurt his feelings. He is very loving to me. Questioning why we don’t have sex more often definitely seems to hurt his feelings. He knows that this is a problem in our relationship.
I can live with once every few months and I can satisfy myself in other ways of course. But I will always wonder why he doesn’t want me more. And it will always make me feel less desirable than I would like to feel. And I will always think “what can I do for my partner to make him happier and why isn’t he asking the same question?”
This post has been thissed by the thissist!
Footnote: We all have our cross to bear and it never helps to hear someone bang on about how theirs is heavier. Apologies for trying to one-up the OP.
This isn’t a boyfriend. It’s a friend without benefit. You can go to ANY bar and ask nicely and get laid.
Find someone who will love you and get on with enjoying life.
You said you have been with him for 3 years? Well to be honest this doesnt sound like a permanent thing. I’ve personally never stayed with a woman for more than a year if I didnt think it was going to be a long term thing because the problem is you get comfortable and dont want to start over so you settle for 2nd best when you really should be thinking about marriage, having kids, and growing old together.
Besides I’m at about his age and I can tell you my libido is way down also and let me tell you, it doesnt come back. Oh maybe those drugs will help, I’m not sure, but I’m not the young stud anymore.
So to be honest, you might think about finding a permanent relationship. Do you want to marry him and have children together? Can you see spending the next 20 years with him?
Girl, you need to dump that zero and get yourself a one or a two!
Is accusing him of being a neglectful lover making him happier? If not why are you having these conversations with him?
What makes you happy is different than what makes him happy so you should not assume that your boyfriend is not already actively doing things to make you happy.
You have needs and wants and it is perfectly cromulent to ask your boyfriend to meet those needs. It is another thing to say, I need this to be happy and he is not doing it, therefore he does not want me to be happy.
If something is not worth asking for, it is not worth having. Ask more and learn to have a conversation with him that does not end with him insulted and you crying.
If you do find a way to get you partner to want you all the time without having to ask for it, be sure to post it here. I’m sure Malacandra is not the only person who could use that information.
I don’t think that one person in the relationship being the usual instigator for sex is all that unusual. My Grandmother would have us believe that was the case for every husband in the world from the beginning of time until at least 1960.
But it’s the “as long as I only ask every couple of months” part that gets me. I couldn’t live like that. I’d rather be just in “off” mode than have it be so seldom. But I’m one of those people who are perfectly happy living alone. If I’m going to be in “on” mode, meaning I’m with someone I’m attracted to, then I would find it very difficult to hold off for such long periods. And I agree that having a lover reach for you now and again matters. It just does.
So the question you have to ask yourself, is, “Am I willing to let this be like this for the rest of my life?” If the answer is a resounding “No” then the sooner you free yourself to look for the right partner the better.
Have you considered consensual non-monogamy?
Agreed that he does need to see a doctor about the issue.
Sounds like a good time to sit down with a counselor. They can help you get past these barriers to communication.
If he refuses to see a doctor and/or counselor, then DMFTA.
You don’t need a guy who won’t work on a problem in your relationship.
That’s good of you to acknowledge, but you do make a good point. The situation could easily deteriorate further.
As a general point (not directed at you, Malacandra), please remember that it can be much more demoralizing for a woman to have to ask for sex than it would be for a man. This is due to social conditioning and widespread cultural beliefs about how males and females approach sex. We can fight the conditioning, but it goes really deep, and having to fight it is another way the whole situation is demoralizing. After all, what man would turn down easy sex unless the woman was a real dog, right?
The thread title serves as an excellent example of how this conditioning plays out in that she puts the onus for the problem on the thread. The OP and later posts do give a more balanced view, but the OP still puts blame on herself for not being attractive enough.
Have you tried being aggressive? Guys want to be wanted, too. Sometimes looking alluring is nice and everything, but if you’re really in need of some action, it’s perfectly okay to grab him by the business end, start tugging on it and say, “I think I need a little vitamin F.”
There are less confrontational ways to get omega-3 fatty acids, you know.
Ouch.
I meant to say …puts the onus on herself.
It puts the lotion on itself?
A guy can feel embarrassed by the problem, since it goes against what guys in our society are supposed to be like. But beside him being upset, does he acknowledge that you have a point and is he willing to try to do something about it?
I third or fourth the doctor suggestion, by the way.