When I was in my early 20s I lived with a guy for two years and dated a few months before that. I loved him more than anything in the world, and I thought we’d be together forever but he dumped me for someone he worked with, whom he’d assured me many many times was just a friend. I moped and wept and felt sorry for myself for a while, but then I got better, then I started dating again and eventually got married to a nice guy who I ended up dumping after several years of marriage.
I’m in my early 40s now. I barely remember that guy I lived with. It’s just vague memories and shadows. I found him on Facebook and we had a conversation or two then he faded away again and I haven’t even thought about him until now.
It gets better. It really does. You can weep and mope and eat ice cream by the gallon if you like, or you can consider this an adventure and try some new something to pass the time. Either way, it’ll get better and one day the entire three years will just be a vague and foggy memory. And you won’t even care!
Actually, I’m 39 and he’s 37. He got his girlfriend pregnant in high school and dropped out to get a full time job to support the child. He mother does not live in the house, she let him live there for the past 18 years since then.
A few months ago, he had to have his appendix removed and during that time, his family never called him or spoke to him and hasn’t yet. He said that this has made him think about his life and that maybe he’s not something anyone could be proud of. So, he says he needs to go solo.
But, I was there. I tool him to the hospital and I stayed with him. I have done all kinds of things for him over the past three years, including buying him a car when his broke down.
None of this makes any sense to me at all. I’m hurting right now.
I’m sorry dragongirl. His reasons sound strange, but maybe he feels like he needs to change everything about his life from top to bottom in order to change his fortunes. It probably isn’t true, and of course it’s hurt you, but it sounds like in the state he’s in, he’s being rather self-destructive. In the long run it might be best to not be in the radius of the destruction.
Take good care of yourself. I’ll be keeping a good thought for you.
He sounds like a man-child - I’m sorry that he hurt you, but it actually sounds like a good thing that he’s trying to grow up some more. You didn’t, you know, mother him, did you?
I don’t think you mothered him, necessarily; it sounds more like you’ve been a loving and supportive partner. When he was hospitalized you were there for him and his family wasn’t, which seems to have freaked him out to the point where he wants to ensure he can look after himself if/when you “wise up” and write him off too.
Of course, I don’t know either of you and could be way off base, but I do know that it can be both gratifying and terrifying to have only one person that you can truly count on. It can make you feel needy and worthless. Perhaps he wants to prove he’s worthy of the love and support that you’ve given him.
Anyway dragongirl, sorry you’re going through this. Life can be unkind at times, and I hope you can take comfort from friends and family you have around you. At least you have a few hundred thousand anonymous webfriends who want to offer support. And kissing, apparently.
As a woman who fell in love with a man when he was still living at home…he’s absolutely right, and she will hopefully come to realize that he did the right thing for both of them.
Because he is immature and it would be far too easy to let her step into the mommy role, and somewhere down the line they would break up anyway and it would probably be worse later.
Sounds easy to say, but I know what I’m talking about.
dragongirl, when I wrote the first post I hadn’t read this one.
Now that I have, I am completely sincere when I say read my last post and give it a +10.
I know you’re in pain, but as a woman who has walked a similar path I say with all the gentle understanding and lack of judgment I can: look upon this as an important moment for you, as well, because you entered into this relationship with baggage of your own that you might what to rid yourself of. Seriously - no judgment, just empathy.
I’m so sorry, I truly empathize. It’s been 6 years since my breakup with my old boyfriend, it was devastating. I know it doesn’t help NOW when you need it, but I promise you, it will get better.
In the meantime, wallow, wallow, wallow. Do whatever you want that works best, whether that’s gymratting out, or snuggling up with Ben and Jerry.
Finally getting a place of his own. Sounds like he is someone who has taken care of his reponsibilities to his child for a long time. And all the time living in his mother’s house, which has probably been a big help to him, but in the back of his mind feels degrading.
So now, doing a little math, that child is grown and he has resented the living in mom’s house thing and would like to have a taste of what his life would be like without the help of you or mom.
No real freedom since he became a father so long ago, at such a young age. Other repressed issues that haven’t been addressed while he was doing what he was supposed to do.
And now he doesn’t know what he is supposed to do and he resents your help and that of his mom’s and is having a mid-life crisis that doesn’t involve a Corvette.
Let him fail or let him succeed. Keep him close if you really love him, and it will a work out.
dragongirl, how are your kids doing in all of this? How are they holding up? They are about 12 and 14 now, aren’t they?
I just followed your threads and wish you the best.
My son didn’t know him very well, because my son doesn’t live with me. But my daughter and him were close. He said many times that he loved her like a daughter and she loved him too. I have tried my best to explain things to her, but she is also crying her eyes out. She wants me to take her to his house so she can kick him.
She and I are spending time together. We are getting our hair done today and have plans to spend a day shopping tomorrow. Sometime over the weekend, we’ve going to the movies.
dragongirl, I am so sorry. This will work out, but I know it can’t be easy or fun. Please take care of yourself & your little ones, keeping to your regular traditions & routines as much as possible. Your kids need the routines; it helps them feel safe, secure. You may find that routines will help you through hard days too.
And please keep posting. We do care here. Granted, we may squabble, nit-pick, give good advice amidst bad advice and devolve your thread into fighting amonst ourselves.
But thats what families do.
That and take the last dinner roll; the one you wanted.
