My boyfriend just broke up with me.

The BBQ Pit
#1

I’ve been in a relationship with J for a little under 2 months now, and I totally fell for the guy. I thought everything was going great. As of tomorrow, I’m not going to see him for 11 weeks (my trip to Spain + bootcamp for him), but I was willing to wait for him.

Well, today he told me that he thought we should just be friends, that the feelings weren’t strong enough. It makes me wonder why he waited until the day before I left to do it, though- did he just want fucking privileges until I left? I mean, that’s not the kind of thing I would expect from him, but what do I know? This is what I get for sleeping with the guy so early in the relationship, I guess. But I just totally fell for him, and I thought that those feelings were returned.

We hadn’t exchanged those three little words yet- I know that both of us are a little cautious before saying them. But I was planning on telling him that I loved him tonight- since I wasn’t going to be seeing him for 11 weeks, I wanted to make my feelings known before I left. I guess I’m just kind of glad he broke up with me before I embarassed myself.

This is the first serious relationship I’d had in a year- after my last boyfriend and I broke up, I was kind of in the “I just want to have fun” mindset, as opposed to wanting an actual relationship. My mind changed with J. Now, I’m not even in that “I just want to have fun” mindset- I have no desire to mess around with anyone else. I just want to be with J.

I’m normally the one donig the breaking up, not the other way around. I suppose karmicly, it has to be my turn. But it hurts. This is my first real, major heart break. I’m not so young (17) and naive that I don’t think it will ever happen again, but this really fucking hurts.

To make matters worse, normally when I’m upset, the best people to comfort me were either J or my dog. J is obviously not an option, and my dog is currently in the kennel (we’re going on a family trip to Spain tomorrow). I also don’t know how I’m going to get through this trip.

J and I were friends before this relationship, and I hope maybe we eventually still can be. But I’m not so sure about that.

#2

monica, you seem self-aware enough in the ways of love already that it doesn’t sound like you need any of the advice I would normally give in this situation, so let me just offer my sympathy for your sadness and my hopes that you have an awesome time in Spain in spite of it.

#3

It’s a shame that this did happen right before going on a family trip to Spain. It ruins the disposition of a trip. Bad timing, but there has got to be rain in order to have flowers! Have some fun.

#4

Aw, that sucks donkey balls. I’m sorry to hear it.

Well, on the plus side, you can try to take your mind off of things by flirting with cute Spanish guys. Ole!

#5

What is that supposed to mean? Are you angry because he dumped you first?

#6

Monica, I am the father of a 22 yr old girl who is presently on the other side of the continent working as a counselor at a camp and excited about having started a wonderful relationship with a boy from another country. Yesterday she reported that her plans have changed somewhat because they mutually agreed that they would both be going their separate ways after the summer. Now I am well aware that it was him who cooled off the relationship, but I find this young man exemplary in his dealings and honesty with my daughter, and it is my hope that she can take this disappointment in stride and carry on with her life exploring and travelling before she gets saddled down with child rearing.

You’ve got lots of time dear lady and remember as most of us guys get older we eventually do consider participating in starting a family or justr settling down.

Good luck !

#7

Mmm. Spanish guys.

#8

No, not at all- I simply meant to say that this is just kind of a new experience.
And now for an update: J called me up, told me he had made an enormous mistake, blamed all of the stress that he is under (and I admit, he is under a lot of stress), and told me he wanted me back. We both agreed that this was a conversation that needed to be face to face, so I went over to his place where we could talk.

He pretty much reiterated the above, and threw in a bit more besides. He said that he actually got sick after he realized what he had done, and that it took losing me to realize to the full extent how much he cares about me.

I don’t think I’m ready to just fall back into his arms, but I do really really care about him and I don’t want to lose our relationship. I suggested, and he accepted, this: We’re going to be on a break until he returns from boot camp, which will be roughly 11 weeks from now. I think he really needs that time to think stuff over. During this time, we will keep in touch through letters (as he won’t have computer access for email). When he returns, we’ll see if he still feels the same way about me that he did when he called me up tonight, and then take it from there. That settled, we shared a hug and a long, soft kiss to tide us over until 11 weeks are past.

#9

Monica,

You have shown solid wisdom in taking the break even after the apology. He may well mean what he has said, and may well follow through when you see him in (what, October?) 11 weeks. However, people tend to show better respect to those who show self-respect. Assuming he’s good for it, he will take better care not to step on your heart in the future, if you take care to guard your heart now.

If he’s not good for it, you have an arm’s length opportunity to let him show his true colours. Either way, you stick to your guns, and leave the ball in his court.

And damn! Spain! Will I fit in your suitcase?

#10

Don’t take any flak upon yourself for this. Sleeping with him early on didn’t make him break up with you. He broke up with you because he’s a shallow jerk. For him to lead you on like that just proves that he has no consideration for others’ feelings. I had a few past boyrfiends like that. Don’t waste your time on him - he doesn’t deserve you.

#11

Dang monica! I wish I was 1/4 as smart and strong as you when I was 17 (or 20 or 23…)! I think you handled it perfectly.

Okay, so now what you can do is sit outdoors at some lovely cafe in Spain writing a letter to J. Which will give you mucho opportunities to meet a passing Spanish guy… (what IS it about Spanish guys?)

#12

Ditto a thousand times!

If you find yourself too griefstricken over this breakup, I will happily take your place on this trip to spain.

Oooooooooh…that hair…dark eyes…:::::::::::::::::drool:::::::::::::::

#13

Hey, monica, sorry about the breakup, glad to hear you dealt with it, his apology, and your mutual decision to wait the 11 weeks out.

Only . . .

Am I the only one who’s a little wigged at the idea of a 17 year old girl having a sexual relationship with a guy she’s been dating for two months?

I’m not saying you’re a bad person, monica, but sex carries with it some pretty intense consequences - not the least of which is an emotional involvement which can make breakups fairly gruesome. It’s just . . . no one’s ever died of not having sex, or even been hospitalized for that matter. You can have a healthy, fun, romantic relationship without sex (and by “sex,” I do mean intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, and all other genital+something interactions). Sex does not make a relationship, nor does it necessarily make a relationship better. From my point of view - having made my own mistakes - two months is a good amount of time to get to know someone before having sex with him. Not while having sex with him.

And . . . and . . . on top of that, are you being safe? Condoms? Every time? Plus a backup form of birth control? Do you have someone to go to if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong, and you need a Morning After pill or treatment for a sexually transmitted disease?

Yes, I have been possessed by my mother, and she is speaking through my mouth, repeating all the talks I heard when I was a teenager (well, actually, she wasn’t that . . . detailed). It’s very disconcerting when that happens, and I hope you don’t feel as preached at as I did.

Go to Spain, enjoy the cute Spanish boys (but don’t ENJOY the Spanish boys). [Chef]“Now children, there’s a time and a place for experimenting with sex. It’s called ‘college’.”[/Chef]

#14

Chef also said that the time to start fooling around is 17. Dude, she sounds like she’s got her head screwed on pretty well.

#15

I gotta go with phouka on this one. Speaking with experience, and lots of it.

The main thing I talk about with my kids on sex is the emotional consequences. And yes, having sex early on in a relationship does make things more intense and more complicated than perhaps it should be at that stage.

#16

I’m not sure how much of a difference there is between an apparently quite mature 17-year-old having sex with her boyfriend of two months, and my having sex with my boyfriend of (then) two months at 28, as long as all good precautions are taken. And it’d be equally dumb for both of us not to make sure said precautions are not in place. Fourteen, yeah, I’d be concerned. But not seventeen.

Have fun on your trip! I wish I could go. Sounds great.

#17

Do you remember what else Chef says about sex, and age 17?

#18

Goddamnit how did I miss this? :smack:

phouka, you seem to be overly concerned just for the sake of being concerned. This doesn’t seem to be one of those circumstances that justifies your post.

#19

Yeah, coming from a guy whose occupation is “getting into girls’ pants”…

I guessing YOU don’t have a 17-year-old daughter.

#20

Well I’ve got a soon to be 17 year old sister and am surrounded by 17 year old classmates at uni and I’ve got to say that posts like phoukas are pretty insulting. I can see what it’s like for the gay guys that have to put up with “are you sure you’re using a condom and sex is sooooo spiritual” every time they admit that they may have fucked once or twice.